Tionally
bored
- Jul 5, 2023
- 113
i had not so good period in my life for a couple months now. some mental issues, I had highs and lows, feeling pathetic and wanting to die etc.
but right now at this point I really don't care what happens. I don't feel bad anymore. I don't feel good either. I feel nothing. I thought before that I felt nothing cause I struggled with anhedonia for years but this is even stronger. maybe it'll pass but I think I truly don't care right now at this moment. I feel like I could ctb right now tbh because it doesn't feel like it matters. maybe it's also because of the derealization I have? I don't know and I don't really care about that either anymore
I mean realistically I know nothing matters, we all die, everyone forgets us blah blah and other nihilistic stuff
but I fully feel it now. I just don't care.
maybe it's good? at least I don't feel bad right now?? but it's also bad in another way. I don't want to do anything. I don't care about doing anything. it feels like I spend my time now just waiting to go to sleep to just not exist and not think.
I'm just finding ways to kill time with minimal effort to just idk do something.
but that's the problem. you can't just live without effort forever. so ctb still's appealing. I like sleeping so much now and ctb is just a never ending sleep
but right now at this point I really don't care what happens. I don't feel bad anymore. I don't feel good either. I feel nothing. I thought before that I felt nothing cause I struggled with anhedonia for years but this is even stronger. maybe it'll pass but I think I truly don't care right now at this moment. I feel like I could ctb right now tbh because it doesn't feel like it matters. maybe it's also because of the derealization I have? I don't know and I don't really care about that either anymore
I mean realistically I know nothing matters, we all die, everyone forgets us blah blah and other nihilistic stuff
but I fully feel it now. I just don't care.
maybe it's good? at least I don't feel bad right now?? but it's also bad in another way. I don't want to do anything. I don't care about doing anything. it feels like I spend my time now just waiting to go to sleep to just not exist and not think.
I'm just finding ways to kill time with minimal effort to just idk do something.
but that's the problem. you can't just live without effort forever. so ctb still's appealing. I like sleeping so much now and ctb is just a never ending sleep
