Discussion I never thought id be alive past a certain age! Can anyone relate?

[lifecanbecruel!]

Since a very young age I've always been convinced that I would die before a certain age, either naturally or by suicide. I've never had a number, but I've always found it impossible to see myself as an old man, and I've always had a Phobia of getting old! I always thought that suicide would be easier than it is (maybe partly because it looks so easy in films), so always thought to myself that if I don't die naturally then I will just take my own life. I only ever saw darkness in my future!

I lived a certain way because I never saw a future. I never planned a future, never had goals and aspirations, because I was convinced that I wouldn't be alive. I just lived in the present moment. This has put me in a really shitty situation at the age I'm at now.

I think that I am now at an age that I didn't see myself getting to, or am now at an age where I'm thinking I just can't continue anymore and it's so fucking difficult. So difficult that suicide isn't as easy as I thought it was when I was younger. So difficult being at this age and to feel how I feel. So much harder at this age feeling shit than when I was younger feeling shit in so many ways!

I've always struggled being me in this world, and I've always struggled with this world. I've thought about suicide from a young age, but now it's just different!

The fear that I have of my future and getting old just isn't normal. I feel like I am not meant to live it, feel like it just isn't meant to happen. The thought of continuing to live terrifies me.

Can anyone relate to this?

 

[CatLvr]

 

[Big_Eal]

Since a very young age I've always been convinced that I would die before a certain age, either naturally or by suicide. I've never had a number, but I've always found it impossible to see myself as an old man, and I've always had a Phobia of getting old! I always thought that suicide would be easier than it is (maybe partly because it looks so easy in films), so always thought to myself that if I don't die naturally then I will just take my own life. I only ever saw darkness in my future!

I lived a certain way because I never saw a future. I never planned a future, never had goals and aspirations, because I was convinced that I wouldn't be alive. I just lived in the present moment. This has put me in a really shitty situation at the age I'm at now.

I think that I am now at an age that I didn't see myself getting to, or am now at an age where I'm thinking I just can't continue anymore and it's so fucking difficult. So difficult that suicide isn't as easy as I thought it was when I was younger. So difficult being at this age and to feel how I feel. So much harder at this age feeling shit than when I was younger feeling shit in so many ways!

I've always struggled being me in this world, and I've always struggled with this world. I've thought about suicide from a young age, but now it's just different!

The fear that I have of my future and getting old just isn't normal. I feel like I am not meant to live it, feel like it just isn't meant to happen. The thought of continuing to live terrifies me.

Can anyone relate to this?

I was not expecting to pass over 30 , im 32 now , I really feel this is my last year

 

[rs929]

You can see it this way: you are closer to death than you were before :)

(how old are you? at least a range to tell what you call "old" exactly)

 

[CentreMid]

I didn't think I would live past high school. Then I moved the goalpost to 19. Then 21. I'm sick of moving goalposts tbh

 

[Subhumano]

Yes, I always thought I would die before I finished high school, and now Im 27

 

[whiskeyblanket]

Can relate to most of this. Didn't think I'd make it past 18... Or 25... Or 30... Now I'm pushing 40 and very tired.

 

[BRAINWORMS]

Never thought I'd see 20, now I'm 28. Everything feels weird and confusing since I never envisioned reaching this point. Very weird.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

In high school I was convinced that I wouldn't make it to 20. I'm 46 now. It still feels so weird. I still don't plan for the future much, as I'm convinced I won't make it much longer.

 

[divinemistress36]

I thought I would be dead by 30 from suicide. Instead I had a stroke from an assault at 29 almost 30. Now Im 37 still here

 

[InTheAbyss]

I thought that I wouldn't see 20, then 30, then 40. Still here at 45...

 

[Darkover]

i didn't think i would make it into 2012 i wasn't far off because in 2016 i got a brain injury and my life has been over ever since i am already dead just not been laid to rest yet

 

[Stan Swiftie]

I'm 50... Forever Alone & miserable in my pointless pathetic existence.
I never expected to continue existing this long
Not without a wife & kids
And I never truly believed I'd have those
Truth is, I failed at life
I should've ended it by 40, because if a person doesn't have a family by then, they ain't gonna ever have one.
However, suicide is a lot more difficult than I ever imagined
I'm looking at becoming train splatter because my dumbass can't figure out how to order SN or where to find fetynal.
Oh well, it is what it is.

 

[Worndown]

We really have no idea how much time we have.
5 years ago I went from a normal, productive life to being about a week from death. I survived and now live a much less productive life. Health is still a little sketchy, but one day at a time.

 

[lifecanbecruel!]

You can see it this way: you are closer to death than you were before :)

(how old are you? at least a range to tell what you call "old" exactly)

I am 33 now.....if I had to pick a number then maybe I never saw myself living past 30......hit me hard when I turned 30!

 

[pixi]

i planned to end it at 16 while i was growing up. had a notebook i carried with me everywhere that detailed my plans and just contained all my other vents. had a kid who sat next to me at school take it and read it while i was away from my desk. he thought it was left from last class. he didn't know it was mine. he gave it to the teacher and told her what was written in it. luckily she put off doing anything with it "til the end of class". i spent the entire class trying to sneak it off her desk, but i ended up just walking up, grabbing it, shoving it in my pants, and walking away. no one said anything to me. i don't think anyone actually wanted to deal with it. once the kid next to me realized it was mine, he didn't talk to me much after lol. nothing ever came from this, and im 21 now. don't think ill make it to 30 though. at this rate, ill probably gone within the next year. but we all know how that goes.

 

[Antiquated]

Never thought I'd make it to 30, I always figured something would happen somehow...my mental health fell off a cliff a few months before I hit 30, I couldn't cope but still unable to end it all and now I'm 37 "living" like a zombie.

 

[myfaultneverlived]

same

 

[lifecanbecruel!]

Can relate to most of this. Didn't think I'd make it past 18... Or 25... Or 30... Now I'm pushing 40 and very tired.

What's it like in your 40's compared to 30's?

In high school I was convinced that I wouldn't make it to 20. I'm 46 now. It still feels so weird. I still don't plan for the future much, as I'm convinced I won't make it much longer.

Why do you think you are still here?

I thought I would be dead by 30 from suicide. Instead I had a stroke from an assault at 29 almost 30. Now Im 37 still here

Wow sorry to hear about the stroke. Is the stroke why you are still here?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Yup I was so sure that if I didn't have a gf by 30 I was going to have to kill myself and even though I'm 31 now I still feel like I probably should have killed myself then, although 35 is for sure gonna be too late to keep this up.

 

[notrllycherub]

same, a few years ago i couldn't imagine myself living past 18 and for a long time i didn't know what to do with my life. back then i didn't see any point in thinking abt my future, because 'i was going to kill myself anyway'. after i got better i got it somewhat figured out, but it took me way more effort to get to where i am now, than it would take me if i wasn't suicidal back then.

 

[F@#$]

I was told by lost of people growing up. " you'll never make it to 30 they way you behave." As much as I wish they were right. 30's long gone yet here I sit. Mean,ornery and miserable as ever.

 

[lifecanbecruel!]

I thought that I wouldn't see 20, then 30, then 40. Still here at 45...

Why do you think you are still here? What's it like for you at 45 compared to your younger years?

 

[divinemistress36]

Ya once you have a brain injury your body has a strong fight or flight response its annoying lol

What's it like in your 40's compared to 30's?

Why do you think you are still here?

Wow sorry to hear about the stroke. Is the stroke why you are still here?

 

[lifecanbecruel!]

i didn't think i would make it into 2012 i wasn't far off because in 2016 i got a brain injury and my life has been over ever since i am already dead just not been laid to rest yet

Sounds rough. Sorry to hear this. Hope that you find peace ASAP.

We really have no idea how much time we have.
5 years ago I went from a normal, productive life to being about a week from death. I survived and now live a much less productive life. Health is still a little sketchy, but one day at a time.

What happened?

 

[whiskeyblanket]

What's it like in your 40's compared to 30's?

Assuming you were referring to my post since you quoted it... I'm not quite in my 40's yet, just pushing toward it (I'll be 36 soon). But I would say that the closer I get to 40, the less I care about most things, which is both good and bad.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

In a different way but yeah I can relate. I was raised Jehovah's Witness and constantly told I would never get old, the world would end soon and Paradise would come. So here I am about 60 working hard and spending nothing to save what scraps I can so I don't have to burden my kids and... this whole situation sucks, I hate it, I just wish I could die in an accident or drop dead of a heart attack or something. But like others have said, each day is one less I have to suffer through. I hate this.

 

[InTheAbyss]

Why do you think you are still here? What's it like for you at 45 compared to your younger years?

Probably a mixture of apathy and fear of failing or getting caught. Things go wrong for me all the time and I've had a bunch of attempts that failed but somehow I was never caught even though I had makers or other issues that made it obvious something happened. Always lived with someone too that made attempting things hard. But now I finally got my own place after 44 years.

I understand things a bit more. I wasn't diagnosed with autism and the like until my 30s so people just insisted that I was shy and didn't have issues. It's also far more frustrating and lonely. I still prefer to be alone more often than not, but I get more and more lonely. The frustration gets worse over time as it wears you down over decades of people not understanding what you say all the time, ignore you, or just tell you to act normal and everything will be fine. I've also lost interest in most things that I used to like. I can barely even bring myself to game anymore.

 

[lifecanbecruel!]

same, a few years ago i couldn't imagine myself living past 18 and for a long time i didn't know what to do with my life. back then i didn't see any point in thinking abt my future, because 'i was going to kill myself anyway'. after i got better i got it somewhat figured out, but it took me way more effort to get to where i am now, than it would take me if i wasn't suicidal back then.

I'm glad that you are now in a better place

 

[bananaolympus]

I thought i never make 30 since i was a child not because i was suicidal but because it was "old"