notevenhere
Ghost Angel
- Apr 27, 2023
- 99
I'm sorry.. This probably won't really be much but I was surprised I survived 2022. My ex dumped me April of 2022, and I sifferrd some serious C-PTSD from it. I remember even sleeping was suffering because I kept having nightmares of him. I remember the sexual trauma, codependency, traumabonding, my friends telling me not to date him and me being manipulated into a relationship with him, the mutual obsession, the enabling of my eating disorder and whoring because i made money as a sex worker online. Everything I believed in crumbled. I lost my sense of self value, of the very little that I had. i lost friend groups because they told me so he was bad for me, I lost support from my family because a failed suicide attempt is the worst thing you can do to them.
I remember just adding men on discord, having esex with everyone who wanted, I didn't care. I let a disgusting human being manipulate me into cutting more and telling me to commit suicide, i forced myself into situations i wasn't comfortable in and entered kink communities i was disgusted thinking if i do some exposure therapy, it would work.
couldn't distract myself with video games or reading or shows or music. everything reminded me of him. im in so much pain unless I'm drowning in alcohol or pills or validation from men who buys me food to survive the month, couldn't leave my room because my mom doesn't allow me outside the house because of my condition.
I'm told to be the worst person in the world, I'm some self centered fuck who's a narcissist. I never ever want to be my mother. That's my biggest fear. It makes me want to die. It took me a year to heal from this and mend my relationships but I can't even blame my mother for running her mouth. She probably has a narcissistic disorder.
I fail to move out. Or make money enough or get a proper full-time job. I dwell on my mental illness to pretend my physical disabilities isn't debilitating and worsening my quality of life.
There is no hope for me.
I remember just adding men on discord, having esex with everyone who wanted, I didn't care. I let a disgusting human being manipulate me into cutting more and telling me to commit suicide, i forced myself into situations i wasn't comfortable in and entered kink communities i was disgusted thinking if i do some exposure therapy, it would work.
couldn't distract myself with video games or reading or shows or music. everything reminded me of him. im in so much pain unless I'm drowning in alcohol or pills or validation from men who buys me food to survive the month, couldn't leave my room because my mom doesn't allow me outside the house because of my condition.
I'm told to be the worst person in the world, I'm some self centered fuck who's a narcissist. I never ever want to be my mother. That's my biggest fear. It makes me want to die. It took me a year to heal from this and mend my relationships but I can't even blame my mother for running her mouth. She probably has a narcissistic disorder.
I fail to move out. Or make money enough or get a proper full-time job. I dwell on my mental illness to pretend my physical disabilities isn't debilitating and worsening my quality of life.
There is no hope for me.
