I need to talk to someone!

[makethepainstop]

I am having some thoughts I need to express. I am starting to feel like self-harm is a really good thing. I am thinking about cutting. Not to bleed out, but to inflict pain on me. That is weird to me. I am not sure those lovely THC gummies I am so greatly enamored of are not causing the problem. I am getting more and more hate-filled for everything in my life and I find no logical way to relieve my pain and continue this wretched existence, other than to CTB. I haven't enough money to get away from my mentally ill, toxic half-sister. The only time I can stand being at home I have to be stoned on THC gummies to keep from exploding. My sister is a mental nut case who expects everyone to work BUT her. I never had a single roach or rat at my place until that bitch moved in. She does nothing 24/7, while I work, sometimes 7 days a week. My niece who is 19 has had one job in her life that required her to work one whole day a week. My sister made her quit because she didn't have time to take her to work and pick her up. God, I am getting ever more ready for CTB. I am having days I think of how sweet it would be just to quit pussyfooting around trying to get the stuff to use SN, grab my 45cal derringer and walk outside, and BLAM! I am so alone I miss my furry marine so dam much it hurts. Not just sex, but to talk to him, and hugs. Not enough money from a job I despise, loathe, and truly hate, with clients I also hate. So to sum things up I hate going home, I hate going to work, I hate not having my wonderfully furry marine, and I hate my looks...So tell me again why I should I continue to exist, just to feel pain? Sorry for the long rant, I guess I get that way sometimes, but Jesus Christ, how much is a man supposed to take? Oh yeah, does anyone laugh when you go to SaSu, and all of those pesky get help now sites show up before SaSu? Dear pro-life MFers, please F.O.A.D., love makethepainstop! Anyone ever heard that Bee Gee's song, To Love Somebody? I like the part about there is a light that never shown on me. That is exactly how the hell I feel right now.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I read it all. I'm here if you want to talk directly. It's terrible to have your own home turned into a hell and your generosity completely stomped on.

 

[releasespieces]

We're here for ya bud. This world is a rather unpleasant place and can be really challenging when aspects of it pile up.

 

[Ellipsis]

I am having some thoughts I need to express. I am starting to feel like self-harm is a really good thing. I am thinking about cutting. Not to bleed out, but to inflict pain on me. That is weird to me. I am not sure those lovely THC gummies I am so greatly enamored of are not causing the problem. I am getting more and more hate-filled for everything in my life and I find no logical way to relieve my pain and continue this wretched existence, other than to CTB. I haven't enough money to get away from my mentally ill, toxic half-sister. The only time I can stand being at home I have to be stoned on THC gummies to keep from exploding. My sister is a mental nut case who expects everyone to work BUT her. I never had a single roach or rat at my place until that bitch moved in. She does nothing 24/7, while I work, sometimes 7 days a week. My niece who is 19 has had one job in her life that required her to work one whole day a week. My sister made her quit because she didn't have time to take her to work and pick her up. God, I am getting ever more ready for CTB. I am having days I think of how sweet it would be just to quit pussyfooting around trying to get the stuff to use SN, grab my 45cal derringer and walk outside, and BLAM! I am so alone I miss my furry marine so dam much it hurts. Not just sex, but to talk to him, and hugs. Not enough money from a job I despise, loathe, and truly hate, with clients I also hate. So to sum things up I hate going home, I hate going to work, I hate not having my wonderfully furry marine, and I hate my looks...So tell me again why I should I continue to exist, just to feel pain? Sorry for the long rant, I guess I get that way sometimes, but Jesus Christ, how much is a man supposed to take? Oh yeah, does anyone laugh when you go to SaSu, and all of those pesky get help now sites show up before SaSu? Dear pro-life MFers, please F.O.A.D., love makethepainstop! Anyone ever heard that Bee Gee's song, To Love Somebody? I like the part about there is a light that never shown on me. That is exactly how the hell I feel right now.

I mutilated myself for a long time, I lived in a toxic home. What is very interesting is that my brother also mutilated himself. In fact, we were children and we both mutilated at the same time without knowing it. I knew the toxic family, crying every day blade in hand. My parents never saw that I mutilated myself, but my brother was unmasked. I knew and I "covered" him, I said that what he was saying was true, that he had really fallen off his bike and that he had injured himself like that, for example.

I am at your disposal if you wish to speak, even if I have socialization problems, I will try to do my best.

 

[makethepainstop]

Thank you ALL for your kind responses. I sometimes think I shall go mad.
I just cannot find a way out. I am trying to win one of those million or hundred-thousand-dollar scratch-off lottery tickets to finance my escape. I kind of made a promise to God to try this before I CTB. But I am so tired of trying and being disappointed. I asked God to either end this or help me get the money to escape and flee to parts unknown. or kill me. But I don't know how much longer I can stand this hellish nightmare scenario. Thanks for your understanding in this matter, love you all!

 

[makethepainstop]

discord xed#8625

? HUH?

 

[B4mbi]

It sounds so exhausting what you're going through. We're all here for you on this website, feel free to message me directly if you need someone :)