I need to run away

[tiredandconfused]

It's a long story but I'm 41 living in a refuge near Southampton. I'm so tired of trying. Years of trying.

I've lost a lot. Once had a career, house, money in my pocket. But spent the last 3 years running, been in 4 refuges, relocated many times, even have a new identity.

The abuse is over now. In reality you could say I have a safe place to live now. So why do I feel so low. This is a fresh start but I can't snap out of this hopeless feeling. All the appointments and support from services I feel like I just go along with what they say. I have felt for a long time that I can't take this. I'm not brave or courageous. I'm not a survivor. Luck just meant I lived through it. I'm tired of listening to professionals talk about being compassionate to myself.

I have no contact with anyone from my former life. Although the staff and other residents are
lovely i feel like I put on an act. I don't want to be here. Really I want to run away. But I have no money to do it. I've been homeless as a young person. If the weather was better I'd do it again. I am desperate to disappear.

Probably sounds weird. I just wish I could be with someone who understands. Somewhere I don't have to face the world.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you've had to go through and of course it's just so unfair how you've had to suffer, it's understandable as to why you would feel so tired of it all. But anyway best wishes.

 

[SilentSadness]

That sounds like a terrible, trying life you've lived so far, I would probably do anything not to experience your struggles. I too don't think there are many who understand, this forum is small compared to the 8 billion people in the world. I hope you don't have to be abused any more.

 

[want a chick 🐥]

Sounds very tiring, if I could think of it as an image, it'd be like an invisible cage. I also understand the feeling of puting on an act or wanting to disappear or not exist. Hope things get better for you

 

[tiredandconfused]

Thank you for your messages. I feel ashamed of myself that I'm not doing better. I have a safe place to live now but it's still so hard. The people around me are always positive but I feel like I'm drowning and no one sees it.

I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember. Tried a few times but survival instinct kicked in. I know I've taken all I can but I would not end things living here. It would be selfish of me. The staff, other women and the kids that live here it wouldn't be fair to them. That's I guess why I want to run away. I don't want to ctb until I'm away and forgotten about. I wish I had options.

 

[MoonlitNight]

It's a long story but I'm 41 living in a refuge near Southampton. I'm so tired of trying. Years of trying.

I've lost a lot. Once had a career, house, money in my pocket. But spent the last 3 years running, been in 4 refuges, relocated many times, even have a new identity.

The abuse is over now. In reality you could say I have a safe place to live now. So why do I feel so low. This is a fresh start but I can't snap out of this hopeless feeling. All the appointments and support from services I feel like I just go along with what they say. I have felt for a long time that I can't take this. I'm not brave or courageous. I'm not a survivor. Luck just meant I lived through it. I'm tired of listening to professionals talk about being compassionate to myself.

I have no contact with anyone from my former life. Although the staff and other residents are
lovely i feel like I put on an act. I don't want to be here. Really I want to run away. But I have no money to do it. I've been homeless as a young person. If the weather was better I'd do it again. I am desperate to disappear.

Probably sounds weird. I just wish I could be with someone who understands. Somewhere I don't have to face the world.

have you decided where you'll go from here? You've been through a lot so it is mandetory that you rest, take care of yourself and take baby steps to thrive.

This is entirely upto you of course, we'll be here. Best of luck

 

[tiredandconfused]

I really need to leave the refuge. I can't do this much longer. In the past I could relocate. Pick a different town and start again but I have £50 left. So ironic when 3 years back I owned a house and earned good money. I don't know what my options are. In a simple way I reaching out for help. I really need a solution.
Any ideas? Really need some help
Any suggestions on where i can run to are much appreciated. I feel so lost.

 

[tiredandconfused]

I don't know what to do. Never felt this desperate before. Have no one to speak to.

 

[missingpeace]

It's hard to get over what you have lost.. how come your situation changed so drastically? Is there a chance you could find some work again?

 

[tiredandconfused]

I struggled with an abusive ex partner. Had to keep moving every time he found me. It's my fault. I was offered support years ago but I wasn't strong enough. I didn't want to go to a refuge I thought I should manage it myself. It's taken me a long time to get to this point. I feel safe in the refuge but I don't like to leave the building. My confidence is massively low. Don't think it could be lower. I have a job interview next week but I'm freaking out because I don't think I will cope. Feel useless and stupid. I had a job were I could help people. Never questioned their right to a good life. But for me. I feel like I'm nothing. Im not good enough. I feel hypocritical to support others when I can't sort my own crap out.
I struggled with an abusive ex partner. Had to keep moving every time he found me. It's my fault. I was offered support years ago but I wasn't strong enough. I didn't want to go to a refuge I thought I should manage it myself. It's taken me a long time to get to this point. I feel safe in the refuge but I don't like to leave the building. My confidence is massively low. Don't think it could be lower. I have a job interview next week but I'm freaking out because I don't think I will cope. Feel useless and stupid. I had a job were I could help people. Never questioned their right to a good life. But for me. I feel like I'm nothing. Im not good enough. I feel hypocritical to support others when I can't sort my own crap out.

 

[lukas19]

Thank you for your messages. I feel ashamed of myself that I'm not doing better. I have a safe place to live now but it's still so hard. The people around me are always positive but I feel like I'm drowning and no one sees it.

I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember. Tried a few times but survival instinct kicked in. I know I've taken all I can but I would not end things living here. It would be selfish of me. The staff, other women and the kids that live here it wouldn't be fair to them. That's I guess why I want to run away. I don't want to ctb until I'm away and forgotten about. I wish I had options.

Don't be ashamed for not doing better, a lot of people would have given up by now!

 

[thevaccumguy]

The only thing worse than not having hope is losing it even though you once had it. Your circumstances are tragic to say the least. But the fact that you've overcome so much makes you are strong. Whatever direction your life takes you, just keep in mind the path that you've taken up until now, and you should be fine.
As for talking goes, for whatever it's worth, we're all here.

 

[LittleBlackCat]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I may go into a refuge soon , I'm really scared and don't know if it will mean having to leave my job. Can you move to a different refuge?

I want to run away badly.. the UK is an awful country and I wish I could run away to anywhere in Europe

 

[AngryDog]

I struggled with an abusive ex partner. Had to keep moving every time he found me. It's my fault. I was offered support years ago but I wasn't strong enough. I didn't want to go to a refuge I thought I should manage it myself. It's taken me a long time to get to this point. I feel safe in the refuge but I don't like to leave the building. My confidence is massively low. Don't think it could be lower. I have a job interview next week but I'm freaking out because I don't think I will cope. Feel useless and stupid. I had a job were I could help people. Never questioned their right to a good life. But for me. I feel like I'm nothing. Im not good enough. I feel hypocritical to support others when I can't sort my own crap out.
I struggled with an abusive ex partner. Had to keep moving every time he found me. It's my fault. I was offered support years ago but I wasn't strong enough. I didn't want to go to a refuge I thought I should manage it myself. It's taken me a long time to get to this point. I feel safe in the refuge but I don't like to leave the building. My confidence is massively low. Don't think it could be lower. I have a job interview next week but I'm freaking out because I don't think I will cope. Feel useless and stupid. I had a job were I could help people. Never questioned their right to a good life. But for me. I feel like I'm nothing. Im not good enough. I feel hypocritical to support others when I can't sort my own crap out.

I'm not from the UK, and I don't know much about refuges, so I'm afraid I can't help you with that. Don't let the panic control you though. From what you described, it is not a good idea to run away from where you are.

It may sound hypocritical to support others when one still feels like shit, but it actually means you can empatize easier with their problems. If you helped them to improve their lives, that's amaizing.

From all you've written, the situation you're in sounds hard and maddening. It never happened to me, so I can only imagine the feelings you have and the pain you must be going through in the refuge. You had an abusive partner, and had to run away constantly. That is a horrible thing to endure for anyone, and it must have been a living hell. It wasn't your fault though.

All I can say is that if you used to have a job where you supported and helped people, you are not what I'd call a "useless and stupid" person. I hope you can see and treat yourself the same way you used to see and treat the people you helped.

I wish you the best of luck in that job interview, but even if you fail, know that it doesn't have to be the end of the world.

 

[tiredandconfused]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I may go into a refuge soon , I'm really scared and don't know if it will mean having to leave my job. Can you move to a different refuge?

I want to run away badly.. the UK is an awful country and I wish I could run away to anywhere in Europe

Sorry to hear that but don't be scared. It takes some time to get used to but it's nice to be around others that have gone through similar things. The hardest thing is keeping your mind occupied. Otherwise you end up hiding in your bedroom the whole time. This is my 4th refuge. Hopefully will be my last.

If I can help or your want someone to message about it, I'm here.