I need to live just a little longer

[vad]

In my life I've done many mistakes that led me to wishing for death. I think the main reason for it would be that life just isn't worth it. But the only thing i want is at least try to to be not a complete failure before i die. And for this i need to finish the study at the university.
My family insists on this even more now because of the recent death of my older brother at war. And now I'm their only hope to have a son who has got at least somewhat successful in life by having a degree and a "proper" job. But i just don't have any will left to continue. Because of my views i simply see no sense in not dying right know. I already know the exact method I'll use. But before that i need to give my family what they want.
So I'm just asking for an advice. How to make myself live for at least five more years? Because I'm just an awful person my love for my family simply isn't strong enough to keep me going. But they deserve to have a good son or at least to think they have one. The temptation to end myself is getting stronger with each day. I don't know how long i can keep up.

 

[MrDarkness]

I'm in the same boat, I'm cursed by memories of my past, the best advice I can give is devote yourself to something either helping others, or by doing a hobby you really love, I always helped others to get my mind off of my self, I'd worry more about them then myself lol.

I hope you can find peace in life or death

 

[vad]

I'm in the same boat, I'm cursed by memories of my past, the best advice I can give is devote yourself to something either helping others, or by doing a hobby you really love, I always helped others to get my mind off of my self, I'd worry more about them then myself lol.

I hope you can find peace in life or death

What's your story?

 

[MrDarkness]

What's your story?

I've had issues with friends and trying to find someone I love, I've been cruel, hateful and utter garbage, I can hear and remember all the poison I said, and all the times I failed, the biggest one was a girl i truly loved, we had so much in common, we got into a argument and she tossed me away like garbage, I keep seeing all the poison and suffering I caused, I want it to stop I want my mind to be quiet for once. This isn't my full story but it is a big one

 

[vad]

I've had issues with friends and trying to find someone I love, I've been cruel, hateful and utter garbage, I can hear and remember all the poison I said, and all the times I failed, the biggest one was a girl i truly loved, we had so much in common, we got into a argument and she tossed me away like garbage, I keep seeing all the poison and suffering I caused, I want it to stop I want my mind to be quiet for once. This isn't my full story but it is a big one

Yeah sometimes we screw our relationships even while having the best intentions possible. Not noticing what a piece of shit we actually are untill it's too late.
And the worst thing there is no point to all of this. I even could turn to religion but my mindset just doesn't allow it. I can't just start believing in some greater cause or something.
I too hope you will manage to solve your problems. One way or another.
Thanks for answering.