Discussion I need to know if I’m the only one

[spooky_kxtty]

I've been a people pleaser all my life and that's lead me to do sexual things for other people I never felt comfortable doing while giving them consent and also getting Sexually assaulted many times. When I was 10 I would fantasize about being raped but never truly wanted it and later realized that could just be a Cnc thing. But after going through an abusive 2 year relationship, normal kinks aren't really enough to turn me on and bc of that I began thinking I was asexual bc of trauma or grey ace because nothing seemed to turn me on or get me horny anymore. Now I'm in a new relationship and I learned through this relationship is that I can get horny again, just by being completely raped by someone I trust. Not even in the way of consensual non consent; in the way of completely being violated when I don't want it and I know this isn't normal and in some cases pretty messed up but I crave it and I don't know why. I'm afraid if I open up about this to my therapist, my boyfriend could go to jail or she just won't understand and I'll be put in a phyc ward. I wanna know if I'm just crazy or if anyone else deals with something similar.

 

[MoonlitNight]

would it in any way help to mention that your boyfriend did not do it? the other reason is a risk only you can choose on.. its probably better to try and discuss your mindset with your therapist. While you wait for other replies, wishing you the best. and sorry you had to deal with that

 

[TimeHasCome6]

Is this something you've talked with your boyfriend about? Do you trust him with it. If you have, maybe talk to him about the bets course of action since you want to talk to your therapist about it since it bothers you so ouch. I do think it is best to talk to your therapist about it. Hang in there! Sending you love! :)
With it?*
So much*
Please excuse my typing errors.

 

[Stripe19]

Not exact same boat, but similar experience here. I dont recall when but sometime long ago, i got raped and a bit after starting thinking i could give my body to make people like me, in the same vein as giving people my money and attention. Most recent attempt at sex had be totally incapable of getting erect and being uncertain what it may be, and trying not to consider it may be the same reason you have.
As for opening up about this it really depends but therapists have a decent chance of not hospitalizing you for this although i'd recommend more caution outside of that.

I hope for both our sakes there is a way to undo this, but even if not, know that you are neither a degenerate nor a monster for this. The only monsters are the ones who did it in the first place.

 

[AllMyDreams]

It's more common than you'd think. Also started around 10 or so for me. I think it comes from that you want to be desired so badly that you want someone to... or that you like when you give up control because you don't feel in control of your life.

For people who were abused when you were younger it could also be a way to cope (I wasn't though).

 

[spooky_kxtty]

Not exact same boat, but similar experience here. I dont recall when but sometime long ago, i got raped and a bit after starting thinking i could give my body to make people like me, in the same vein as giving people my money and attention. Most recent attempt at sex had be totally incapable of getting erect and being uncertain what it may be, and trying not to consider it may be the same reason you have.
As for opening up about this it really depends but therapists have a decent chance of not hospitalizing you for this although i'd recommend more caution outside of that.

I hope for both our sakes there is a way to undo this, but even if not, know that you are neither a degenerate nor a monster for this. The only monsters are the ones who did it in the first place.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Part of me is glad I'm not the only one. I guess I'm more afraid of how my therapist would react. I've asked my boyfriend to rape and sa me because for some reason I desire to be by him. I'm just afraid if anyone found out he could get in trouble.

It's more common than you'd think. Also started around 10 or so for me. I think it comes from that you want to be desired so badly that you want someone to... or that you like when you give up control because you don't feel in control of your life.

For people who were abused when you were younger it could also be a way to cope (I wasn't though).

This would make some sense; I've almost never had control of my life and I was abused in my early teen years.