Venting I Need to Get Out of Life

[honestmind]

I need to die but I've been procrastinating getting the gun due to my financial situation that's tied up in my university. My mom is fed up with me. I can't bear this anxiety anymore- it's driving me to want to die and at the same time is stopping me from living enough to actually go through the steps to get it over with. I wish there was a bridge nearby high enough to guarantee my death or at least I wish I had a car so I didn't have to Uber or ask for rides in order to get what I need to die. I've never used a gun before and I'm scared that that's causing me to procrastinate getting one but I absolutely need to die. The urge is so strong it's ripping me apart one moment, and then the next I'm anxious because I don't have enough money to get to the DMV to get an ID and then I start stressing about all the steps after like what if I never make it that far much less to the range to practice or to the counter to actually buy the gun. This anxiety stops me from living life- fine, but for it to prevent me from dying also is too much. I have to find a way around it. I can't live with myself anymore. I hate typing shit like this but this is the one place I can be honest about how much the thought of dying consumes me and why my anxiety is so high all the time. I need to get through my summer classes but I just can't. I don't want to make it to fall and it's exhausting to live split between the idea others have of me living which I can't imagine attaining and my true desire of death which I'm scared I'll fail at too.

 

[Dayrain]

@honestmind Thank you for this very honest post. This makes all sense what you are explaining.

 

[spentspirit]

If you want to live, you have to choose life -- and completely leave behind any thought of wanting to die. It will consume you and bring you to your grave.

I hear you that you have such bad anxiety, though.