Venting I need to but I can't

[cymbaline23]

I just want to be gone from this Earth. I don't want to struggle or feel pain or pass the pain onto others, and I don't want anyone to see the aftermath. Not only that, but I don't want to come up with a plan. I can't write a note that perfectly encapsulates everything I need to say. But I can't take the loneliness, the boredom, the lack of purpose, the insanity in my head, or the hatred in this world anymore. I was never supposed to be here. It's insane to me how everyone just plays this game, and they're fine with it. The nature of society is so absurd it's almost funny. I genuinely can't understand why a lot of people's brains work the way they do. None of this was meant for me, and it's crazy this is our only option. We created civilization ourselves from the ground up, and this is seriously the best we could think of. It's too hard to make friends, even through texting, I feel too messed up and different compared to everyone else. My therapist was out this week, and she's going to be out the week after next too. I hate it. And every time I go to therapy, I leave just wishing I had more time, I dread going back home to be alone again, and I feel like shit because I was scared to talk about wanting to die. Therapy isn't helping enough, it might even be making things worse. My mind is constantly spinning. Smoking weed helps me cope, but at the same time the instant dopamine without effort has made other things less enjoyable. I used to play the game at night a lot with my friend when he'd get off work, but now I just sleep. I get so drowned by my thoughts at night I can't see anything else. Blehhh yayyyy

 

[2messdup]

I just want to be gone from this Earth. I don't want to struggle or feel pain or pass the pain onto others, and I don't want anyone to see the aftermath. Not only that, but I don't want to come up with a plan. I can't write a note that perfectly encapsulates everything I need to say. But I can't take the loneliness, the boredom, the lack of purpose, the insanity in my head, or the hatred in this world anymore. I was never supposed to be here. It's insane to me how everyone just plays this game, and they're fine with it. The nature of society is so absurd it's almost funny. I genuinely can't understand why a lot of people's brains work the way they do. None of this was meant for me, and it's crazy this is our only option. We created civilization ourselves from the ground up, and this is seriously the best we could think of. It's too hard to make friends, even through texting, I feel too messed up and different compared to everyone else. My therapist was out this week, and she's going to be out the week after next too. I hate it. And every time I go to therapy, I leave just wishing I had more time, I dread going back home to be alone again, and I feel like shit because I was scared to talk about wanting to die. Therapy isn't helping enough, it might even be making things worse. My mind is constantly spinning. Smoking weed helps me cope, but at the same time the instant dopamine without effort has made other things less enjoyable. I used to play the game at night a lot with my friend when he'd get off work, but now I just sleep. I get so drowned by my thoughts at night I can't see anything else. Blehhh yayyyy

Youve put it much better than I could. I also get frustrated because I really like seeing my therapist (the only human being I like being around) so I'm more upbeat than usual whenever I see him, so I can't communicate how bad I feel the rest of the time. As he drives away at the end of each session I feel the panic rising and I have to just sit and breathe for some time until I'm able to drive home. I also worry that I'll drive him to ctb (which is weird really cos I want ctb for myself) because my reasons to ctb are so logical and make so much sense, I'm worried I'll persuade him to my way of thinking

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm also not meant for existing, I wish that there's the option to just erase my existence and completely disappear like I never existed at all. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.