Help I need one thing before I go

[chester]

I already described why I ended up here in this post in another thread:

I feel so comfortable here and I don't feel alone with you

Hey, long time I don't post here. I have been trying to change my life and get better, but the "better" never comes. Unfortunately I always come back to the suicide thoughts. This forum is my comfort place and I am so glad I am here to discuss CTB without any moralism. I feel so connected with...

sanctioned-suicide.net

She said 6 years ago she said she would hold my hand when I CTB if nothing else worked. I ended up holding her hand while she died of a terminal illness this year.

I no longer have anyone in my life who would understand me as well as she did. Everyone offers me unsolicited advice starting with "you need to" or "you must".

Do you know what I need? I need someone to tell me it's ok to want to end it. And it's ok to do it. It's ok to prefer nothing to suffering. But not in general, like "it's ok for people to yadda yadda...".

The last thing I need, is for one person, to act like they truly care, and tell me, personally, that it's ok if I do it. That they understand me and it's fine. They may forget all about me tomorrow, I won't mind. I just need to hear it from someone.

 

[kinderbueno]

Its okay if you choose to ctb, it's understandable why you'd prefer peace to suffering

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. If there's nothing left for you and you come to the conclusion that death is the only relief then this is your decision if you want to give yourself another chance then this is your decision. I'm sorry you're suffering so much but we cannot make the decision for you.

 

[chester]

@kinderbueno thank you

@Praestat_Mori Don't get me wrong, I know it's my decision. I just don't want to feel alone making it. And the past months I've never felt lonelier in my life. I want to feel some kind of understanding presence of another human being, because it feels like I've lost this forever. Someone who won't call emergency services when I tell them how I really feel. Who wouldn't try to fix me without knowing anything about me. Someone who would hear my decision and would respect it, and tell me it's ok.

 

[Worndown]

We go when we need to go. Only you know when that time comes. If it is now, so be it.
You were a good friend staying with her to the end. Not everyone would or could do that.
I hope peace awaits you whenever you get there.

 

[chester]

We go when we need to go. Only you know when that time comes. If it is now, so be it.
You were a good friend staying with her to the end. Not everyone would or could do that.
I hope peace awaits you whenever you get there.

Thank you We weren't just friends, we were supposed to get married this year. She was everything to me. Best friend, soulmate, amazing life partner, my rock whenever I was weak. She was my whole life. And now our life is over.

 

[yunzzzk]

Everyone dies eventually, and we were not born in this world by our choice. So I don't get why we cannot get the freedom to at least end our own lives. It's the only thing that "belongs" to ourselves out of everything in this world. So ctb should be our own choice. Everyone has their own way of living, so ctb when we want to should be one

 

[No More Tears]

Damn ... I can relate so much. Mine died too, but under different circumstances. She was killed by a drunk driver when he t-boned her after blowing through a red light.

You got all my sympathy. It's an extremely hard pill to swallow, and I can honestly say, I know how you feel.

 

[samdocheon]

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
WE all be with you what you chose

 

[FrancesFarmer]

Chester, I am sorry you are having to endure the pain that this beast can conjure up. We have grown tired, and it's ok when we finally are left with no choice but sleep. If I could hold your hand right now I would, I wish you nothing but the best

 

[Zephyrous]

Hi Chester, your body is yours and no one elses - you live and die by your own means and I think that is beautiful. If it is your choice, then I wish you the best.

 

[SVEN]

I get it Chester, and I genuinely believe it's okay for you to leave when you hurt too much. The choice will be yours and you can tell when enough is too much.
Go well when the time comes.

 

[Davey40210]

Its ok Chester, you can go if you want to. It seems you loved her so much. I can relate. I hope you see her again when you go.