Hey, long time I don't post here. I have been trying to change my life and get better, but the "better" never comes. Unfortunately I always come back to the suicide thoughts.
This forum is my comfort place and I am so glad I am here to discuss CTB without any moralism. I feel so connected with all of you. Thank you so much for leaving your thoughts on my posts, replying my comments and being opened to discuss everything. I have read a lot of stories on this forum, and I love how we built a community filled with respect and peace. Thank you so much. Here is the only place I feel comfortable and free.
Can you guys tell me a little bit about your own stories? What brought you here, for example.
According to "specialists" I've had some personality disorder for most of my adolescent life and all of adulthood so far. Some said I had some traits of Asperger's. I couldn't feel happiness, I felt mental pain all the time. Pain that wasn't justified in my life situation, because objectively nothing was wrong. I went through many doctors and therapists. Meds just made me feel nothing instead of feeling bad, which was worse. And the therapists couldn't tell me anything that would change how I feel. Basically my choice was to learn to live with it or give up. I was close to giving up. I went through some relationships, but they all fell apart. Until 2018 happened and I met her. I told her my story when we were still just friends. She genuinely admired me that I've been able to cope with all my shit. She said that if nothing else works, she'll help me CTB, but until that, let's try whatever else there might be. I didn't scare her off. Quite the contrary, we fell in love. She bough books which helped her understand what I might be going through. She didn't judge me or think that I'm immature. She didn't tell me to get my shit together. She wanted to know and understand who I am and how my mind works, and she was more successful than all the shrinks I've seen, combined. And I believe I brought here happiness too. Because when I love someone, I put all my heart in it. She told me things like:
"I don't think I truly loved anyone before I met you"
"It seems to me, like all my life so far was meant to lead me to meeting you"
"If I could turn back time, I would be afraid to change anything, because I might not have met you if I did"
So, I suppose, I wasn't that bad a boyfriend. She created a true home for me. Home I never had. A space where nothing was impossible, because whatever life brings, we're in it together, and we'll get through it. It was a wonderful life. A love so strong and beautiful, that most people may not experience all their life.
"for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part"
It was all of the above, including the death part. She died earlier this year. I know there's nothing like this that's going to happen to me ever again. Even if there was someone else suitable for me, I'll never stop missing her, loving her, suffering after her loss. There's no way back to how life was. There's only a way out.
Once she told me "if something happened to you, I wouldn't survive it". Well, my darling, it works both ways. Better die together, than live apart.
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