I need help

[kunikuzushi]

I feel hopeless.
I had my monthly check in with my therapist/case manager. She called me the abuser in my relationship, which fair, I guess. And said my partner hitting me, trapping me, and more was reactive abuse.

I don't even know what to believe anymore. I really don't. I don't know if I'm an abuser and don't deserve gentle love, or if I'm being abused and deserve better. I really don't understand.

But either way, it hurts that I told her I'm being traumatized by getting physically and emotionally abused by my partner and being told that it's a fair reaction from him. And not getting any sympathy.

I truly wish to die. I'm trying my absolute best to be a good person. But apparently it's not good enough to deserve to be treated well and loved. I don't want to exist if I don't deserve love.

I was seeking treatment to become a better person, so I don't hurt people close to me anymore. But she just keeps shaming me and saying I don't have any concrete goals and now dismissing the physical abuse I'm going through. I need help. I don't want to be in pain anymore. People just keep telling me go to therapy, get help. But they won't help me.

 

[mustard tiger]

do you think your therapist understands your situation better than you do?

 

[kunikuzushi]

do you think your therapist understands your situation better than you do?

No. I've barely had any sessions with her because she kicked me out of therapy for apparently not trying.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Is there no way to take a time out from the relationship? Sometimes a bit of time and space can help us see things more clearly, and either way it doesn't sound like the relationship is a healthy one.

 

[infinitanocte]

It doesn't sound like your therapist is being very supportive or helpful for you. Perhaps they are projecting something or have their own biases. Can you find a new therapist who might be a better fit for you?

I'm not clear what your situation is, but you deserve to feel safe and loved, and it doesn't seem like that's true in your current relationship. I don't think there's anything that justifies being abused as a reaction. I find it alarming that your therapist would even say such a thing. I agree with DeathSweetDeath that this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Are there any other people in your life you can maintain connections to instead?

You are most certainly deserving of love. I'm so sorry you're not getting the help you need.