I need help

[ksera]

I cant cope with this. ive reached a limit. I am alone. Abusive family to abusive relationship. the police took over my life in March and put a stop to things. No they want me to give evidence. I want to die. I am tired. I feel ashamed of who I am. I couldn't protect myself. I didn't stop I from happening. I cant live with the memories and the guilt. I just want to ctb. I just need the strength to do it.

 

[JimFord99]

DO NOT feel ashamed of yourself. DO OT. OK? Don't feel guilty, not your fault.

 

[Bukmeikara1]

Dont be a a prisoner of emotions. You shouldnt be afraid neither from death or pain but If you make that move ... make it "sane", with a clear mind and no random thoughts conflicting you from inside. This way you would know for sure and If you do it, you would go away as yourself.

We cant give you strength, only pretty words. The strength is inside you!

 

[JimFord99]

Now what do you need help with? Someone here may help. Don't give up yet. What exactly is the matter?

 

[Donewith_]

Sorry you are hurting..
You sound like you are a sufferer from all of this.. and not the person causing it.
Dont be hard on yourself.. and don't feel guilty. Its not your mistake that you were treated bad.hugs.

 

[ksera]

I am more than tired. im broken. I have thought about ctb so much. ive tried on a few occasions. I cant keep pretending im ok. im not ok. its not ok. I cant help the police. there will be no justice. just me having to live with horrible memories. I cant do it. I have nothing left to fight. ctb will finally give me peace. ill be safe.

 

[Donewith_]

You can share whats going on or what had happened.. till the extent it won't trigger you.

 

[Bukmeikara1]

I am more than tired. im broken. I have thought about ctb so much. ive tried on a few occasions. I cant keep pretending im ok. im not ok. its not ok. I cant help the police. there will be no justice. just me having to live with horrible memories. I cant do it. I have nothing left to fight. ctb will finally give me peace. ill be safe.

Imagine being on a Island with a fresh start and where nobody knows you. In this case, would you want to commit suicide?! Memories are just "baloons" that we are holding in our heads, they are not real. What kind of impact they would have on you, its only up to you and nobody else. Same goes for future/imaginery scary projections which seem to haunt you right now.
Right now you are deeply affected. What would help you 100%, a cold shower for 5 minutes. Go under it and dont back away. I guaruntee you that the scary thoughts would go away at least for the coming hours. Build on that, dont let the panic take hold of you.

 

[Fordprefect]

Can you please give as much detail about whats happened as possible in your situation? How old are you? Have you tried taking antidepressants? No one should ctb without trying AD first (well, unless things are really fucked up of course). I had been very depressed and suicidal from the age of 14 until I first tried Lexapro at about 22. I couldn't believe how good I felt and I wanted to kick myself for not giving it a try sooner, I had lost all those years to terrible anxiety and depression

There are situations when ctb is, well, the best option on the table. When you've tried everything and know it doesn't work. But have you?

Often you just need some chemicals to change your brain chemistry :)

 

[Dead beat dad]

I cant cope with this. ive reached a limit. I am alone. Abusive family to abusive relationship. the police took over my life in March and put a stop to things. No they want me to give evidence. I want to die. I am tired. I feel ashamed of who I am. I couldn't protect myself. I didn't stop I from happening. I cant live with the memories and the guilt. I just want to ctb. I just need the strength to do it.

Sorry to hear about this trouble friend. It sounds like you've got something really dark that you're having to deal with. Lots of helpful and kind people here who you can open up to and want help.
It is okay not to be okay, it is also okay to ask for help.
I hope there is peace for you and that you find what you are looking for.
DBD

 

[ksera]

I failed badly in a long relationship. I let him treat me badly. I couldn't stop it. it was me and him. id cut off from everything else. I just wanted to be good enough. im 37. the police turned up at my house in march. someone had told them I was being hurt. I fought it. I tried to get them to leave us alone but they didn't. after a really bad incident in may they took it out my hands. two months now. I havnt seen him. first time in years. I still think of what he would say. I cant give the police the evidence they want because ive never told anyone. I feel ashamed. the thought of going to court scares me. what happens if I cant cope. ive been on medication for years. I had psychotherapy to help me cope with my up bringing. I thought that was bad but what has happened to me in the last year has pushed me to my limit. I am ok with ctb. I cant keep trying to be strong and putting a brave face on. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with these memories. I have taken all I can.

 

[JimFord99]

I failed badly in a long relationship. I let him treat me badly. I couldn't stop it. it was me and him. id cut off from everything else. I just wanted to be good enough. im 37. the police turned up at my house in march. someone had told them I was being hurt. I fought it. I tried to get them to leave us alone but they didn't. after a really bad incident in may they took it out my hands. two months now. I havnt seen him. first time in years. I still think of what he would say. I cant give the police the evidence they want because ive never told anyone. I feel ashamed. the thought of going to court scares me. what happens if I cant cope. ive been on medication for years. I had psychotherapy to help me cope with my up bringing. I thought that was bad but what has happened to me in the last year has pushed me to my limit. I am ok with ctb. I cant keep trying to be strong and putting a brave face on. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with these memories. I have taken all I can.

Hey,hey hey, don't feel ashamed, don't feel guilty. You have been used and abused. Do not be afraid and feel bullied. Please, don't!

 

[Blackjack]

Can you please give as much detail about whats happened as possible in your situation? How old are you? Have you tried taking antidepressants? No one should ctb without trying AD first (well, unless things are really fucked up of course). I had been very depressed and suicidal from the age of 14 until I first tried Lexapro at about 22. I couldn't believe how good I felt and I wanted to kick myself for not giving it a try sooner, I had lost all those years to terrible anxiety and depression

There are situations when ctb is, well, the best option on the table. When you've tried everything and know it doesn't work. But have you?

Often you just need some chemicals to change your brain chemistry :)

To be fair, AD's don't work for everyone (although it'd be life changing if they did.)

 

[Donewith_]

You shouldn't have tolerated abuse.. but i can understand.. when you are distressed, you can't really think things clearly. So, don't feel bad that you were unable to do anything at that time.

Now, you just want to get away from him and all thats going on?

 

[Bukmeikara1]

I failed badly in a long relationship. I let him treat me badly. I couldn't stop it. it was me and him. id cut off from everything else. I just wanted to be good enough. im 37. the police turned up at my house in march. someone had told them I was being hurt. I fought it. I tried to get them to leave us alone but they didn't. after a really bad incident in may they took it out my hands. two months now. I havnt seen him. first time in years. I still think of what he would say. I cant give the police the evidence they want because ive never told anyone. I feel ashamed. the thought of going to court scares me. what happens if I cant cope. ive been on medication for years. I had psychotherapy to help me cope with my up bringing. I thought that was bad but what has happened to me in the last year has pushed me to my limit. I am ok with ctb. I cant keep trying to be strong and putting a brave face on. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with these memories. I have taken all I can.

Thank you for sharing. One thing I know for sure, there is a chance for you to overcome this ... a big one. You just have to start with small steps and just gather yourself for few days. What you are going through in a way most of us do. We fell in love, for whatever reasons and we make that ONE person our whole life. Nothing else mathers, just him ... that ONE person. And we just cant let go, life seems imposible without him. But this is not true.

Life is about the wide variety, its not about one thing, one situation, one love, one mistake, one person .... Its about going forward, not backwards. Memories are baloons that we create and carry ourselfs. If you revisit them everyday, they wont go away.

Take a hold of youself. There is nothing to be ashamed about. People make mistakes, this how we learn and become more experienced. Recently I heard from the girl that I like that "she hates him and doesnt want to see me again". It was painful, I was ashamed. It was my fault because I let emotions overcome me and acted like lunatic. So in my case, I have a choice - to let one specific situation to define me or I could accept it, the idea to be wrong/weak/not right and move forward. Its not easy, I still cant but I sure hope help you understand it yourself.
You are a strong girl, you just have to let go and it would come to you.

 

[JimFord99]

Agree, take it easy for a while ....

 

[Fordprefect]

I failed badly in a long relationship. I let him treat me badly. I couldn't stop it. it was me and him. id cut off from everything else. I just wanted to be good enough. im 37. the police turned up at my house in march. someone had told them I was being hurt. I fought it. I tried to get them to leave us alone but they didn't. after a really bad incident in may they took it out my hands. two months now. I havnt seen him. first time in years. I still think of what he would say. I cant give the police the evidence they want because ive never told anyone. I feel ashamed. the thought of going to court scares me. what happens if I cant cope. ive been on medication for years. I had psychotherapy to help me cope with my up bringing. I thought that was bad but what has happened to me in the last year has pushed me to my limit. I am ok with ctb. I cant keep trying to be strong and putting a brave face on. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with these memories. I have taken all I can.

Can I ask what kind of medication? It doesn't seem to be working for you, have you been on the same thing for years?
I hate toxic relationships :((
Please try as varied treatment as possible.
Do you love that person?

To be fair, AD's don't work for everyone (although it'd be life changing if they did.)

Yep, it's true, but in most cases people try one or two that don't work and they're done with it. I'd suggest trying at least TEN :) from different classes of AD. Affective and personality disorders are poorly diagnosed, I have BPD but was diagnosed with just anxiety and depression for years without therapists digging deeper. Prozac didn't work, nor did venlafaxine, Mirtazapine, amytriptiline, valdoxan, then I tried escitalopram and it was a godsend.

 

[Blackjack]

Can I ask what kind of medication? It doesn't seem to be working for you, have you been on the same thing for years?
I hate toxic relationships :((
Please try as varied treatment as possible.
Do you love that person?



Yep, it's true, but in most cases people try one or two that don't work and they're done with it. I'd suggest trying at least TEN :) from different classes of AD. Affective and personality disorders are poorly diagnosed, I have BPD but was diagnosed with just anxiety and depression for years without therapists digging deeper. Prozac didn't work, nor did venlafaxine, Mirtazapine, amytriptiline, valdoxan, then I tried escitalopram and it was a godsend.

Fair enough. But "good" therapists who will go the distance and to those lengths for a patient are few and far between.

 

[ksera]

I was diagnosed with BPD and complex PTSD a long time ago. I have been on many medication combos. I currently take quetiapine, venylafaxine, lorazepam and zopiclone. I doesn't fix things but I struggle more off it. I had addiction problems so this helps with that. I have to decide to give evidence and go to court. that's massive for me. no one in my life who's hurt me has ever been punished. I got close but each time I gave in and eventually went back. the last 6 months has bee terrible. the police say I just need to talk about it. its not that easy. this is not a chat. what happened was terrible. I have never wanted to die so much. he took every strength I had. I don't want sympathy or pity. I have reached all that I can take. all I wanted in life was a simple life, and a job where I could help people. I didn't expect anything else. but to go through what I went through has put a stop to everything

 

[Fordprefect]

I was diagnosed with BPD and complex PTSD a long time ago. I have been on many medication combos. I currently take quetiapine, venylafaxine, lorazepam and zopiclone. I doesn't fix things but I struggle more off it. I had addiction problems so this helps with that. I have to decide to give evidence and go to court. that's massive for me. no one in my life who's hurt me has ever been punished. I got close but each time I gave in and eventually went back. the last 6 months has bee terrible. the police say I just need to talk about it. its not that easy. this is not a chat. what happened was terrible. I have never wanted to die so much. he took every strength I had. I don't want sympathy or pity. I have reached all that I can take. all I wanted in life was a simple life, and a job where I could help people. I didn't expect anything else. but to go through what I went through has put a stop to everything

Fuck. I hear you.
BPD is a hell of a disorder, I know this too well.
Personally I would get rid of venlafaxine and use a clean ssri like Lexapro instead. What's your quetiapine dosage?
Can I also ask: what kind of addiction? They usually prescribe neuroleptics to people who use stimulants to deal with the cravings, and nor ally for a short time. What with you already taking zopiclone for your sleep, I see no point in taking dopamine affecting quetiapine.
I have to say BPD complicates matters, it's a fucking tightrope, you never know when you're gonna fall of it, but you know that you definitely will

 

[Bukmeikara1]

I was diagnosed with BPD and complex PTSD a long time ago. I have been on many medication combos. I currently take quetiapine, venylafaxine, lorazepam and zopiclone. I doesn't fix things but I struggle more off it. I had addiction problems so this helps with that. I have to decide to give evidence and go to court. that's massive for me. no one in my life who's hurt me has ever been punished. I got close but each time I gave in and eventually went back. the last 6 months has bee terrible. the police say I just need to talk about it. its not that easy. this is not a chat. what happened was terrible. I have never wanted to die so much. he took every strength I had. I don't want sympathy or pity. I have reached all that I can take. all I wanted in life was a simple life, and a job where I could help people. I didn't expect anything else. but to go through what I went through has put a stop to everything

All that you want, its still possible. Its within your reach. But you have to find a way to let go and not judge yourself. Other people could only direct you with words but YOU are the one that could make it possible. Find one solid reason to move forward, to gain energy from it. For example, the idea about family, child that you would find the right person. Maybe all this happen for a reason, Life sended the cops to shake you over and continue forward. Dont resist it, find that solid reason inside you and work from there. Eventually you would cut the drugs and feel more in control in youself. You can do it

 

[Fordprefect]

Fair enough. But "good" therapists who will go the distance and to those lengths for a patient are few and far between.

I stumbled across escitalopram through self medicaton. I realized I have BPD while researching personality disorders myself. Then I went to a shrink who charged me 100 bucks for an hour long session and asked him why none of the doctors before him had diagnosed me with BPD when it's so obvious I have it. He explained therapists in my country "don't like this disorder". I was speechless. Psychiatry is a very problematic field of medicine, and the prescriptions you get are a bit of an experiment on the doctors part, they don't know what's gonna work, I'm afraid experimentation with different ADS is inevitable for a lot of people

 

[ksera]

im on 200mg prolonged release of quetiapine. I had addictions with alcohol and drugs. I also had massive eating disorders. I grew up through hell but I hated myself. I had years of psychotherapy to help me cope. I started to do better but then I met him. he was horrible to me from the start but I blamed myself. 10 years later things were out of control. what happened in the last year I cant bring myself to tell anyone. I understand why the police got involved but they don't see how hard it is for me to talk. im scared if I say, the last strength I have will go. I tried twice in the last few months to ctb. I got found each time. I wish they had just let me go. I don't feel good enough to be here. I just want someone to help me in this final part of life.

 

[Fordprefect]

Omg, listen, I'm about to ctb myself, but I'm completely sober. You, my friend, aren't thinking clearly because it's impossible what with the drugs you're taking
Your medication plan is fucked up, believe me I'm good at this.
200mg quetiapine is madness for somebody who is not psychotic. Please try this scheme (tell your therapist you wanna try this, be assertive): escitalopram 10-15 mg + hydroxyzine 25-50 mg during the first two weeks to help with the sleep and the jitters (this is optional, but you'll definitely need it at least for the first 5 days).
Get rid of venlafaxine, it's not helping you at all, and this is supposed to be the most important drug in your scheme.
You might still take 25-50 mg quetiapine right before going to bed.
Ditch zopiclone.
You're on very serious medications, the scheme is fucked up and is not working, please don't die without trying to change your medication.

 

[Rocksandsand]

@ksera - I have been through a similar process. I reported a rape, and the police officer propositioned me for sex after I made my statement. I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I know what it's like to have to comply with a justice system that doesn't give a fuck about victims.

Can I ask what country you're in? Are there any free women's legal services? I think you need support and someone advocating for you. They are often completely free. As for actually giving evidence... can you 'pause' your stress and anxiety for a moment, and think about what you actually want from this? It sounds like you maybe don't want anything to happen. And that's completely okay. Looking at this from a cost/benefit angle, it sounds like there's a lot of cost here for not much benefit?

 

[oopswronglife]

I reported a rape, and the police officer propositioned me for sex after I made my statement.

Jesus Christ...I shouldn't be surprised but the level to which so many will stoop hurts my soul.

 

[Rocksandsand]

Jesus Christ...I shouldn't be surprised but the level to which so many will stoop hurts my soul.

The shitstorm that erupted from that was astounding. I reported the detective, my case was found to have been mishandled, and I just tapped out of the whole process. Fuck engaging in a system that lets perpetrators run the fucking show.

As an aside - I already didn't like police, but now I am openly disgusted by them.

 

[ksera]

im in the UK. I tried to understand that the police have a job to do. when they got involved they took away my control. I said I didn't want to take it further but they didn't give me a choice. when they ask me to do things they sound so matter of fact, like its easy. the detective keeps telling me giving evidence is like having a chat. but its so not. these are some of the worst things that happened in my life. I still have massive panic attacks. when the police came by to tell me they arrested him, I had a massive panic attack, passed out and had a seizure. he was released on strict bail conditions (not allowed anywhere near me) but I have no faith that he will abide by this. I feel on edge permanently.

 

[I’vehadenough]

Imagine being on a Island with a fresh start and where nobody knows you. In this case, would you want to commit suicide?! Memories are just "baloons" that we are holding in our heads, they are not real. What kind of impact they would have on you, its only up to you and nobody else. Same goes for future/imaginery scary projections which seem to haunt you right now.
Right now you are deeply affected. What would help you 100%, a cold shower for 5 minutes. Go under it and dont back away. I guaruntee you that the scary thoughts would go away at least for the coming hours. Build on that, dont let the panic take hold of you.

If you are on an island where you don't know anybody, you'll get lonely and things will get worse. I tried moving to a new town. It didn't work

 

[ksera]

even when im alone I still have to cope with the memories. I don't want years of this. I am tired and I feel broken. I have been through so much for so long. unless you have been in that position you don't know how you'd cope. society says I should keep trying and fight for life but I cant. I just don't have it in me. if an animal was suffering you'd put in down. its the same for me.