I need for bad things to stop happening

[Braindead Atheist]

I'm done with life. It seems everywhere I go I'm abused. My work experience program is up and I'm being put at a new place since the store I was working at can only employ me for 1 day a week.

The new place won't be an internship like the one I was at and I don't think I can trust this situation. My parents are forcing me to move out. They gave an ultimatum. I'm out by may regardless of my circumstances.

But what do I do if I can't rely on a stable job?! And that's going to be the rest of my life. I dont even think I can trust my friends with this harsh truth I have of just wanting it to be over before something horrible happens.

And with the economy being how it is, I won't be able to afford the stuff that keeps me going like gymnastics and art stuff. As far as friends, it's only a matter of time before they ditch me for being this way.

I'm pretty sure fate has it out for me to end up homeless or at best very poor with no disposable income and no friends. I have nothing going for me but failure and abuse. I love my friends and I've stayed for them despite countless abusive work and social situations, and that's a sacrifice I made for them. I just don't trust anyone on thar level anymore.

Abuse is going to happen again because the circumstances that made it happen are still the same. Im still retarded and I'll always be retarded, there's still no jobs for people like me that pay what i need to be happy let alone survive. And with the need for a lot of money, comes a demanding job I can't do. But whats it matter if this happens every where?

its going to happen again, bullied and fired. I can just forget about making it in the graphic design industry since i can't even be a cashier. I also come off as intelligent, articulate and analytical. So people expect me to be a top performer and when i can't even do the minimum they abuse me and or fire me.

So working towards my degree in design is useless. Me be successful in design?! Yeah right, those people have at least 20 iq points on me. Not going to happen.

Permanent circumstances=a need for a permanent solution.

If I stay: at worst abuse, being fired and homelessness, and lonely. at best a pleasureless and lonely life with all work and no play maybe even abuse.

vs if I leave(ctb) my friends will get over it eventually and find some one else they click with. My parents want me out anyway, so whats the difference? Life will go on. For me there will be nothing. Life after death is impossible and a myth.

Since theres no judgment and people get over it, suicide is not a sin. People only say it is because it hurts people (who get over it) and they think theres some god in the sky who says its wrong. Well where is that god for people like us? Yeah that's what I thought.

I don't think it matters as much as people say. People move on, my best friend of 7 years threw my friendship away because I was suicidal as did another friend i had for 3 years. I don't put it past others to do the same. The truth is, people care until it's inconvenient for them and we don't need that. They can't handle our pain, so why should we?

We are capable of solving our problems via ctb. Some stupid prolife agenda doesn't solve our problems and the people who claim they want us here would rather never talk to us again than listen to our side of things. So either way we'd be leaving their life's. So whats it matter?

People and their hippocritical logic..

I don't know when I'll ctb. I don't have that answer right now, but I do know I've made peace with my decision to eventually leave this world and it's abuse and endless dissapointments.

 

[Forever Sleep]

They can't handle our pain, so why should we?

This is SO accurate! Like you say- most people only want a certain version of you around. If you become too much of a downer/liability- you need to either 'get better' or- hide yourself away because sympathy only lasts so long.

I'm so sorry you are in this position. I'm creative also and it is SUCH a struggle. One that I'm losing.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It sounds like you're making some worst-case predictions without necessarily having the grounds for them.That's okay, we all tend to do that especially when we are feeling terrible and overwhelmed. Try to separate fears/anxieties that are more tangible/immediate from the ones are aren't and focus on the former.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so tiring and awful what you have to go through, the reality is that there is simply nothing fair about any of this. It certainly is such a cruel existence and there does seem to be no real relief from the endless problems and suffering that this life continues to bring. This is why the thought of non existence is so incredibly appealing to me because it's horrific how in this world there is no limit as to how awful things can get for us and after all, to die solves everything.

Your feelings of wishing to be gone are understandable, at least to me it makes so much sense not wanting to face a future where we are just guaranteed to suffer more and more. No wonder so many decide to ctb in this world, and I envy them so much.

 

[Braindead Atheist]

It sounds so tiring and awful what you have to go through, the reality is that there is simply nothing fair about any of this. It certainly is such a cruel existence and there does seem to be no real relief from the endless problems and suffering that this life continues to bring. This is why the thought of non existence is so incredibly appealing to me because it's horrific how in this world there is no limit as to how awful things can get for us and after all, to die solves everything.

Your feelings of wishing to be gone are understandable, at least to me it makes so much sense not wanting to face a future where we are just guaranteed to suffer more and more. No wonder so many decide to ctb in this world, and I envy them so much.

Exactly. It's like we're the horses and the universe is the driver whipping us while holding the carrot infront of us that we'll never get. Hope is a cruel illusion.

It sounds like you're making some worst-case predictions without necessarily having the grounds for them.That's okay, we all tend to do that especially when we are feeling terrible and overwhelmed. Try to separate fears/anxieties that are more tangible/immediate from the ones are aren't and focus on the former.

I'm just trying to prepare for the worst case scenario because I know there's at least a 50% chance of one or more of those terrible things happening to me again. I don't like those odds looming over me impending ly. That's my life. Everything sucks then it gets better temporarily and just when i least expect it, things spiral out of control awful. Its not something that happens on rare occasions either.

This is a cycle of about a year or two. If I expect for the other shoe to drop, I'll at least be able to plan ahead and either 1.Prepare with a back up plan or 2. If that plan fails, make a new one. And if that one doesn't work, Ctb. It's exhausting always having to protect myself emotionally from a cruel universe and life. And every one wants to take my coping skill away. All I hear is that I need to be positive and it will all go away. When really, if I'm positive, it all stays the same and now I hit a lower low because I had hope that things would get better. People are so ignorant.

This is SO accurate! Like you say- most people only want a certain version of you around. If you become too much of a downer/liability- you need to either 'get better' or- hide yourself away because sympathy only lasts so long.

I'm so sorry you are in this position. I'm creative also and it is SUCH a struggle. One that I'm losing.

People are selfish and shallow. They have a lot of air in their heads which they put in ARROGANT. they only care about themselves and show it my thinking they are better than people like us because we're suicidal.

We're "damaged" "screwed up". Etc and they are their "best self" without "toxic" and "negative " people like us. So it's negative and toxic to vent and see reality for what it is?! People are so fake and what sickens me is that they think this quality about them that you and I described makes them good/better people.

One of the worst things you can do is cut someone out of your life for feeling low and then mask it as a positive thing. Yeah I'll just fix myself and this will all go away because thats how it works...Right.