It's so horrible to me how suicide is this difficult in this world, I find it inhumane how we are denied the option of a straightforward way to just reliably leave, it disgusts me how we are expected to be prisoners from this existence until we die anyway, I certainly hate this world where suicide isn't viewed as an valid option. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you are searching for, it's such a cruel punishment how it's this hard to find permanent peace from all the suffering that this existence brings.