Hello, I want to share some of my life story. I have always struggled with mental health since I was little. However, I know I can be happy. I have had a good year for awhile. And I wonder if I should keep trying. I want to die because life is too difficult and I don't mean to whine, I know nothing is easy. But it's too hard to be enjoyable why would I want to live a life where it's too hard to perform basic tasks? From the beginning, my dad wasn't the best, he played favorites between me and my sister. It caused so much tension between me and my sister, my whole family was constantly fighting. My dad drank and mixed weed together and he was just aggressive. He never hit me I was personally never abused. I don't want to go into much detail but ever since I was in Elementary my whole family was toxic and fighting. Already off to a bad start. I started to stuffer from depression from a young age because of this. I would stay up nights thinking about what happened. I wasn't even allowed to talk about what happened. My dad quit drinking and he got much better. Everytime in my life something goes good another tragedy happened. Then when I was only 11, I was attacked by the family dog, dog A. For context: my dad brought home a black mouth cur when I was in elementary, he wanted it to be a guard dog. But didn't train her properly so she's unsocialized and extremely territorial. The first time I was attacked I entered my dad's room which is an area of the house where she's possessive over. She bit my arm and wouldn't let go, I had to roll off the bed to get her off me. There was no blood, no big wound. I told my mother who was sleeping on the couch and she dismissed me she didn't even check on me. After that first attack, I started getting attacked frequently. Then our other dog, I'll call her dog B, she became territorial over my mother and the couch which is where my mother sleeps. (Context, dog B is the same breed as Dog A. She wasn't properly trained either.) And I would have to go over to the couch often which dog B started attacking me in the face. This happened weekly, it became the norm. My mother would blame me for the dog attacks and defend her dogs any chance she got. My mother loved her dogs more than me. I became very depressed because I was getting attacked a lot but my mom never got rid of the dogs. My dad who has always been my favorite parent didn't even help me. He at least didn't defend the dogs and would yell at my mom to get rid of them. However, my mom never did, my dad never took matters into his own hands. They never tried any solution to stop the dog attacks. They wouldn't even put the dogs into a training school or something for dogs. The only advice they offered was to try and be nicer to Dog B. (I hated this dog because she was always attacking me) I assume I was nicer to the dog and I also stopped going near the couch. But the attacks stopped. I was suppressing all my trauma, I was happy again for a while. Then the moment I felt alright, Dog A started attacking me. Dog A is significantly worse than Dog B. Dog A was actual pure evil. (Please do not defend the dogs. I am aware they would not be like this if they were trained right. However, these dogs are smart. They knew I was weak and could not fight back. They always have this look in their eyes of pure evil like they know what they're doing is wrong but they do it anyways.) Dog A is attached to my father and I was too. So, this dog was very jealous of me. I was constantly getting attacked by Dog A, my parents would also see me get attacked btw. At first she was only territorial over my dad's room. But then it got worse, she started becoming territorial over the whole house. I couldn't leave my room without Dog A barking really loudly and running up to my door just to intimidate me, I always showed fear. I was only like 12. My parents were aware of her behavior yet never did anything to try and correct it. I was incredibly depressed, I couldn't leave my room. I couldn't eat because I couldn't leave my room. I had no real friends at that time. The two friends I did have, didn't care whenever I tried to tell them what was going on, they only wanted to talk about theirselves. Eventually, I became everyone's therapist. My friends were going through some petty middle school boy drama and would constantly vent to me while I was going through hell and no one would listen, not even my parents bc they got defensive. I resent my mom the most, this post does not tell the full story in great detail so my mom doesn't seem that bad. But she really was so terrible to me at the time. She wouldn't even let me talk about my dog trauma EVEN TO MY THERAPIST bc she didn't want her dogs to get taken away. I was always getting into fights with my mom. She would just fight with me for no reason too. I should note that the dog attacks weren't bloody massacres like you normally would think. They never got a good grip on my skin and I would scream and back up which they would let go before they could break skin. However I still had their teeth marks on me and a little blood like a minor scratch. It was more so the psychological behind it all. The fear of being attacked, getting attacked, was always on guard, my parents abandoning me to deal with everything by myself. At 13, was the worst dog attack I had gone through. I don't remember the wound itself but I mean the stuff I went through afterwards. My mom defended the dog as usual while I'm crying after being attacked I couldn't even treat myself I had to get into screaming matches with my mom over why she needs to get rid of her dogs. Eventually my mother's solution was to keep me prisoner in my room. She said I could only come out to go to the bathroom and she would bring me food. I immediately said no. She was constantly texting me while I was trying to calm myself down after the attack. She was rubbing it in my face that she valued her dogs more than me and she had the audacity to love bomb me after. She was saying ily and spamming heart gifs while I was telling her to leave me alone. (My mom never says ily to me btw I never say it to her either) That night was the worst night of my life I cried for days, I have never felt more suicidal in my life than that night. I would have killed myself unfortunately I did not have the resources to. I was going to just take a knife to my throat but I couldn't leave my room bc of the dog so that's the only reason I'm alive. I have always had suicidal thoughts. I think of plans, and fantasize dying. It comforts me to think about death. I have tried to kill myself multiple times. I don't remember the earliest attempt but I know I was around 11. I was too young to know how to properly kill myself so it was mostly just me trying to suffocate myself with pillows and choking myself with ropes. Eventually, the dog attacks stopped for a few months, I was feeling a little better although still very depressed. Then Dog A would try to attack me again and it would trigger me back into how I felt when I was constantly getting attacked. For a long time I had a fear of dogs even small ones. Dogs would just trigger me back into my trauma. I was so desperate to be loved by someone, anyone, any animal. I started to beg my parents for a third dog. It's kinda sad that I was so desperate I begged for the very animal that I was so scared of. I ended up getting a third dog because my parents were aware I was suicidal and had tried to kill myself. I'll call her Dog C, she is a Labrador, I made sure to pick a nice breed with low aggression. She is the only dog that turned out to be an angel. And you know why? Because I trained her. It was not hard at all to train her to not be aggressive. I had a new puppy to teach tricks to and spend 24/7 of my attention to. I was happy again, not completely but distracted enough and too tired to think of all my trauma. I was still constantly on the verge of nearly being attacked by dog A. Which triggered me. But around the age of 14/15 I became so fed up with being attacked, the dogs could sense that this time, I would actually fight back and kill them. I stopped showing fear and would hit them with brooms when they tried to scare me. So, they stopped. Not entirely but enough to give me some peace. Me and my sister fixed our relationship we hangout everyday for a few months till we got COVID. I was incredibly happy to have someone by my side because my sister didn't like the dogs either. I started to talk to people online and met my first true friend. He has been friends with me for a few years. Everytime I was happy, it was only distractions. We talked everyday together. I was actually becoming confident in myself developing a personality and my social anxiety was getting better. Don't get me wrong, I was still suicidal and constantly thinking of my trauma. I also devolped anorexia because of my ADHD medication which was making me feel physically terrible but I loved having control over this one thing in my life. I have never had control over anything in my life. However, my mom kept accusing me of being anorexic, not because she noticed how skinny I was, but because during my every few month Drs appointment, I was dropping at least 10 pounds. The doctors showed concern, I showed concern at first. My eating disorder devolped because I couldn't leave my room to eat and when I was able to, I could not get out of bed. I begged my mom to cook for me she rarely ever did and I told her multiple times I wasn't eating. Instead of my mom using her brain, she accused me of being anorexic. Which made me realize if I asked for help with food stuff she would get suspicious of me and then I just stopped talking about food entirely and actually did develop an eating disorder. Which took control of my life for years. But I couldn't stop. One day, she accused me again and was going to force me to eat, not bc she cared but bc "it makes her look bad." That was the only thing I had control over plus I was constantly being triggered by the dogs so I was going to kill myself. I actually started collecting stuff to kill myself and forming a plan. Then I meet this girl I became obsessed with. I was so in love. I was happy to live for once because I had a goal. Make lots of money, we both leave our toxic families, and we live together. She was also suicidal and we made a promise to not kill ourselves for each other. I stuck true to my promise. She did not, she was constantly trying to kill herself, and never tried to better her situation. Plus she was constantly venting to me. I was fine with it at first but our whole conversations were her complaining about her family, me needing to comfort her. We had a good time 25% of the time compared to the 75%. Plus she never took me seriously when I tried to vent to her. And she didn't appreciate me letting her vent to her. Eventually, we broke up I found out there's a chance she could have been lying about some of her bad situations and she basically cheated on me (admitted to talking to her ex 22 hours of the day btw this girl never slept) after the break up I wasn't sad because I had a friend to talk to everyday. I swore I was done with relationships for a long while and went looking for friends to keep me busy while they were busy. I found this one guy a few months ago, we ended up growing close really fast. We basically acted like a couple by week two. I had never been happier in my life. However he's incredibly insecure not just about his looks but trust issues stuff. He was very adamant about wanting to work through it so I thought it would be okay to get with him. After three months of knowing each other, he became my boyfriend. We started having trouble in paradise. Constantly having serious conversations, misunderstandings, him getting frustrated at me and making me shutdown. We just weren't compatible anymore. He changed. Like two days ago, he got mad at me for something small (like it was actually dumb), then I hung up and texted him later that night trying to fix our relationship. He said that it's his fault, he changes himself to match another person's energy and now he doesn't know who he is anymore and he's depressed. So he half broke up with me. I didn't want to break up however he said he doesn't want to hurt me and himself anymore. And I'm rushing him too fast to change. So now we're not allowed to say ily to each other, be flirty, and match pfps. We're still technically together, we kept our label and we're not allowed to date anyone else. You should know we were obsessed with each other, matched everywhere, constantly said ily. So this is a major change. I don't want to lose him. This past month he's been acting like he doesn't care about me, and unintentionally made me incredibly insecure about my ADHD. Because a lot of the issues he was having with me, was because of my unmedicated ADHD. I started taking my pills and stuff to better myself. I realized all I do is lay in bed all day. Nothing makes me happy, not even the things I used to enjoy. The only thing that made me happy was him. So now I've been feeling incredibly suicidal again. Not just because of him, but because of how hard it is to do tasks. I haven't been brushing my teeth regularly I skip a week brushing my teeth and brush my teeth only whenever I need to. Which most of the times I don't care about my breath and don't brush my teeth. I don't exercise, I don't want to, I don't want to do anything but I wish I wanted to. I can't get myself out of bed to take care of myself, I can't even find something to do that's just to entertain me. I think I'm going to be trapped in this endless cycle for the rest of my life. I can't take it anymore. Everytime I think about my bf I feel doom because there's no guarantee we're getting back together. (Our agreement was that I will wait for him to find himself and we can get back together) There is a chance that things will get better between us but I've just been feeling so bad this past month. Constant nightmares about him, dreaming of my dead cat, waking up and crying from my dreams, I can't sleep, I wake up so tired yet can't fall back asleep, I stopped eating again and taking my meds which is probably why I can't sleep. I should also add the positives to my story I have 4 amazing friends, they have been super supportive during this time. They're really great people. And I know things can get better in my life, I am in college I have a headstart to my future. I know what career I want. But what if my ADHD never gets better? I know I should wait until the time comes to see if my ADHD ever gets better. But it just hurts so much right now and the pain is so intense I can't bare it. Distractions aren't even keeping my mind off of things. I know I'm more fortunate than others, which is why I don't know if I should kms. Like I want to really badly, I wish I killed myself when I was being attacked. That's why I wouldn't mind if I killed myself now because I wasn't supposed to be here. I don't think about the dog trauma as much anymore but the fact I had to go through that gives me enough justification as to why I can killed myself. Any advice?
PS: If anyone wants a more detailed version of the dog trauma, pls let me know I would be happy to make another post. I think my dog trauma is very interesting to hear about because it's not as heard of. Like I'm not sure if what my parents did is considered abuse or not but I'm sure it kinda is. And it's intriguing to learn about less commonly known forms of mistreatment by parents.
PS: If anyone wants a more detailed version of the dog trauma, pls let me know I would be happy to make another post. I think my dog trauma is very interesting to hear about because it's not as heard of. Like I'm not sure if what my parents did is considered abuse or not but I'm sure it kinda is. And it's intriguing to learn about less commonly known forms of mistreatment by parents.
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