SpinandPainr
Member
- Jun 9, 2025
- 31
Sorry to the mods if I misinterpreted the "anything else you can't ask elsewhere" part of the forum…subheading, I think. I'm high functioning autistic(relevant to this whole incoming post, probably) and prone to hyper-liter misinterpretations. I don't mean to break rules and am very thankful to have found this, having not had a safe place since reddit shut down its forums on suicide.
So. I live with my family. The rest of them are out of town. Around maybe…IDK. 3 or 4 am my brother in law comes to my door and might have knocked, might have spoken, but asked if he could cuddle. I was half asleep (was sleeping when he came to the door) and I can't remember if i went mhm-mm and shook my head or actually said a proper verbal no. IDK if he heard it or not. I want to presume not, though it doesn't really help the rest of it.
So he walks over and I freeze. In the span of a couple seconds I thought to myself: So my sister has talked at length before about how he struggles greatly when she goes away, and my niece has separation anxiety. I figured it may be just that and let him lay down and gave him little back rubs. My family does this to each other all the time and has since I was a baby. It's always over clothes. To me this is a nonsexual act of comfort. I say that because please reader let me know if I am misleading people when I do give those.
So that was strange, but fine to me. Whatever, people have different needs. He also gave me a forehead kiss; have had so many of these in platonic settings, and having always heard he was touchy ran with it. Well he did my shoulder a couple times which was weird. I kind of froze up again.
Worth adding a note here; with my ex-husband I was SA'd in my sleep by his dad, who my husband then defended. I was also groped and propositioned by that Brother-in-Law. A few years ago I had to sleep with my boss to keep my job. I generally don't feel safe around men anymore. It's embarrassing but I freeze up, I mean every muscle in my body locks. But now I will return.
So I froze up, and he put his hand on my stomach. Which would again be pretty normal I guess? A comfortable sleeping position. Then he put his hand up my shirt and was kind of just avoiding the breasts until he wasn't. I froze up to where I couldn't speak for a couple moments then just flatly said "that's a boob" and he let go. I don't know, I want to presume innocence always even when damning.
He went back to doing it a second time and kissing my neck and i just completely froze. He put a hand on my crotch over my clothes and I just said "don't do that" and he stopped and then I kind of mentally black. I think i just kept talking because I was so nervous. Like word vomiting.
He asked me in the kitchen if I minded when he touched me. I said no, being too fucking autistic to realize what he really meant until later. Cause a tap on the shoulder or a regular hug is fine. He's also been giving me butt slaps for a while but when I asked about it to thee guys I am closed to they had thought at the time (weeks ago mind you) that it was just friendly, especially with them all being from the same part of the country where they said it was just common between male friends.
And side note my sister doesn't wear makeup whereas I am very girly. Nothing better about either of those options. But i overheard her say she would try to wear makeup when they were on a call. I heard him say he misses her old body.
In a separate conversation I had with my sister, she told me it was hard to live with me (as she put it, hard to live with her conventionally attractive sister when she is so overweight) and then emphasized it wasn't my fault. I had a feeling in that moment he had said something but could not confirm until this morning, when he said he told my sister he finds me attractive. Naturally, I said why the hell would you do that. He said because he wants to keep things honest with her. How is this honest at all? And I have no witnesses or proof here. If I was not staying with them I will be homeless again. I am quite frightened of that. At the same time I have to tell her. It's wrong of her time to be used on someone who would try to cheat on her and she deserves better than that. I just feel crazy guilty and sick. My sister has also been very open with her husband about how insecure she is feeling and how she doesn't feel he finds her attractive (I would argue all of this as proof he doesn't love her, but what do I know) and he has COMPLETELY failed to even attempt to reassure her. I feel like me telling her this is going to destroy her. None of us could afford this mortgage alone and we all have minimal savings due to costs vs our pay (rural south) so I feel horrific at the thought of my niece getting uprooted in a divorce. I mean logically I know this isn't my fault or whatever but I feel like I wasn't verbal enough.
I just got off the phone with two friends. Both male. One was just saying I'm sorry he's a shitbag, the other was saying because I didn't double down on my boundaries I had none at all
And my stomach hurts and I'm mildly dissociated. This is dumb. It's not like I was raped. I'm just garbage
So. I live with my family. The rest of them are out of town. Around maybe…IDK. 3 or 4 am my brother in law comes to my door and might have knocked, might have spoken, but asked if he could cuddle. I was half asleep (was sleeping when he came to the door) and I can't remember if i went mhm-mm and shook my head or actually said a proper verbal no. IDK if he heard it or not. I want to presume not, though it doesn't really help the rest of it.
So he walks over and I freeze. In the span of a couple seconds I thought to myself: So my sister has talked at length before about how he struggles greatly when she goes away, and my niece has separation anxiety. I figured it may be just that and let him lay down and gave him little back rubs. My family does this to each other all the time and has since I was a baby. It's always over clothes. To me this is a nonsexual act of comfort. I say that because please reader let me know if I am misleading people when I do give those.
So that was strange, but fine to me. Whatever, people have different needs. He also gave me a forehead kiss; have had so many of these in platonic settings, and having always heard he was touchy ran with it. Well he did my shoulder a couple times which was weird. I kind of froze up again.
Worth adding a note here; with my ex-husband I was SA'd in my sleep by his dad, who my husband then defended. I was also groped and propositioned by that Brother-in-Law. A few years ago I had to sleep with my boss to keep my job. I generally don't feel safe around men anymore. It's embarrassing but I freeze up, I mean every muscle in my body locks. But now I will return.
So I froze up, and he put his hand on my stomach. Which would again be pretty normal I guess? A comfortable sleeping position. Then he put his hand up my shirt and was kind of just avoiding the breasts until he wasn't. I froze up to where I couldn't speak for a couple moments then just flatly said "that's a boob" and he let go. I don't know, I want to presume innocence always even when damning.
He went back to doing it a second time and kissing my neck and i just completely froze. He put a hand on my crotch over my clothes and I just said "don't do that" and he stopped and then I kind of mentally black. I think i just kept talking because I was so nervous. Like word vomiting.
He asked me in the kitchen if I minded when he touched me. I said no, being too fucking autistic to realize what he really meant until later. Cause a tap on the shoulder or a regular hug is fine. He's also been giving me butt slaps for a while but when I asked about it to thee guys I am closed to they had thought at the time (weeks ago mind you) that it was just friendly, especially with them all being from the same part of the country where they said it was just common between male friends.
And side note my sister doesn't wear makeup whereas I am very girly. Nothing better about either of those options. But i overheard her say she would try to wear makeup when they were on a call. I heard him say he misses her old body.
In a separate conversation I had with my sister, she told me it was hard to live with me (as she put it, hard to live with her conventionally attractive sister when she is so overweight) and then emphasized it wasn't my fault. I had a feeling in that moment he had said something but could not confirm until this morning, when he said he told my sister he finds me attractive. Naturally, I said why the hell would you do that. He said because he wants to keep things honest with her. How is this honest at all? And I have no witnesses or proof here. If I was not staying with them I will be homeless again. I am quite frightened of that. At the same time I have to tell her. It's wrong of her time to be used on someone who would try to cheat on her and she deserves better than that. I just feel crazy guilty and sick. My sister has also been very open with her husband about how insecure she is feeling and how she doesn't feel he finds her attractive (I would argue all of this as proof he doesn't love her, but what do I know) and he has COMPLETELY failed to even attempt to reassure her. I feel like me telling her this is going to destroy her. None of us could afford this mortgage alone and we all have minimal savings due to costs vs our pay (rural south) so I feel horrific at the thought of my niece getting uprooted in a divorce. I mean logically I know this isn't my fault or whatever but I feel like I wasn't verbal enough.
I just got off the phone with two friends. Both male. One was just saying I'm sorry he's a shitbag, the other was saying because I didn't double down on my boundaries I had none at all
And my stomach hurts and I'm mildly dissociated. This is dumb. It's not like I was raped. I'm just garbage
