I mourn the loss of who I used to be

[WonderlandsFallen]

Everytime I think of my predicament and my suicidal feelings, I mourn and cry like I would for someone else.

I don't cry for myself but I view myself as if I were my own child. I view myself as somebody else and I want to protect and nurture the poor little girl who lost her way into adulthood. I have made so many mistakes and I'm sorry that I put myself through them.

I want to hold her. I want to care for her. She was so happy and so innocent. I mourn for her suffering at the hands of others. And I mourn for her suffering at the hands of me.

I'm sorry, little Wonderland. You are a beautiful young girl and you don't deserve to be in pain. I'm sorry you grew up to be me. Everything used to be so much better. Your upbringing wasn't your fault. The mental illnesses that live in your head were planted there beyond your control.

I so desperately wish I could go back and change your outcome. I wish I could have helped you live out your potential. Guided you on right and wrong. Prevented you from ruining your relationship. Held you when you needed somebody to love you. To tell you that you are good enough, that you are loved and wonderful.

But my dear little Wonderland, we cannot go back in time. I'm so sorry I killed you. I hurt for you everyday. You're just a memory now. I can't revive you. I can't bring you back. The dead have to stay dead, as much as I wish I could get you back. When I was you, I didn't love me. But now that I'm not you, I love and miss you so much.

Rest in peace, little one.

 

[Pen>Sword]

This is so poetic. Your expression is felt. I wish I protected my younger version too from all bad decisions that my past self has created. I've grown up wiser. These mistakes made my mental health terrible.

 

[Lost Magic]

Everytime I think of my predicament and my suicidal feelings, I mourn and cry like I would for someone else.

I don't cry for myself but I view myself as if I were my own child. I view myself as somebody else and I want to protect and nurture the poor little girl who lost her way into adulthood. I have made so many mistakes and I'm sorry that I put myself through them.

I want to hold her. I want to care for her. She was so happy and so innocent. I mourn for her suffering at the hands of others. And I mourn for her suffering at the hands of me.

I'm sorry, little Wonderland. You are a beautiful young girl and you don't deserve to be in pain. I'm sorry you grew up to be me. Everything used to be so much better. Your upbringing wasn't your fault. The mental illnesses that live in your head were planted there beyond your control.

I so desperately wish I could go back and change your outcome. I wish I could have helped you live out your potential. Guided you on right and wrong. Prevented you from ruining your relationship. Held you when you needed somebody to love you. To tell you that you are good enough, that you are loved and wonderful.

But my dear little Wonderland, we cannot go back in time. I'm so sorry I killed you. I hurt for you everyday. You're just a memory now. I can't revive you. I can't bring you back. The dead have to stay dead, as much as I wish I could get you back. When I was you, I didn't love me. But now that I'm not you, I love and miss you so much.

Rest in peace, little one.

Wow, this resonates so much with me. I was looking at pictures of me as an innocent little boy with hopes and aspirations, but as I grew older I now realise that they those desires now lay in a graveyard of broken dreams. It is like a feeling of mourning and despair that never goes away.

 

[stevieu]

This is so heartfelt and resonates so much

 

[fatefulstillness]

I'm so sorry you know this pain. Mourning the loss of who we used to be is a terrible feeling, especially when it happened in such tragic circumstances. Sending you much love, thank you for sharing this.

 

[DoodleBug]

Really wonderfully said. The constant flow of time is one of the essential factors of life, but also one of the most cruel. We cant change anything, every bad day becomes yet another Brick in the memory. Every mistake is forever stuck in the chaotic archives od your psyche. Nostalgia twists and turns in your gut leaving it rusty and shaking like broken pipes. No matter what compassion awaits, nothing seems fixable - mother time did her thing, yet human condition ensues.

Im sorry for all that happened to you, maybe there will be a glimour of Hope that's beyond mere SI.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living is very painful as we cannot escape from our thoughts and memories. We cannot go back in time and change things. Dealing with grief and regret can be agonizing. I'm sorry you have to go through this, it is sad to hear about how much some people suffer. I wish you the best.

 

[jimmy7754]

Everytime I think of my predicament and my suicidal feelings, I mourn and cry like I would for someone else.

I don't cry for myself but I view myself as if I were my own child. I view myself as somebody else and I want to protect and nurture the poor little girl who lost her way into adulthood. I have made so many mistakes and I'm sorry that I put myself through them.

I want to hold her. I want to care for her. She was so happy and so innocent. I mourn for her suffering at the hands of others. And I mourn for her suffering at the hands of me.

I'm sorry, little Wonderland. You are a beautiful young girl and you don't deserve to be in pain. I'm sorry you grew up to be me. Everything used to be so much better. Your upbringing wasn't your fault. The mental illnesses that live in your head were planted there beyond your control.

I so desperately wish I could go back and change your outcome. I wish I could have helped you live out your potential. Guided you on right and wrong. Prevented you from ruining your relationship. Held you when you needed somebody to love you. To tell you that you are good enough, that you are loved and wonderful.

But my dear little Wonderland, we cannot go back in time. I'm so sorry I killed you. I hurt for you everyday. You're just a memory now. I can't revive you. I can't bring you back. The dead have to stay dead, as much as I wish I could get you back. When I was you, I didn't love me. But now that I'm not you, I love and miss you so much.

Rest in peace, little one.

When I started to get manic and loose myself.. this is how I felt.. I carried a picture of me when I was a kid throughout my 20s and tried so hard to figure this out.. I managed to screw him all up and I feel sick to my stomach about it. I really felt this.. nicely written.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I definitely get it, I'm so sorry