Venting I miss her >_<

[fromange]

Ahhh. Sorry for spamming with threads. But dumping my rumination, read if bored.

I don't feel as bad if I think about other things ->
Maybe I don't have to go ->
But I'm lonely ->
I think about ex ->
I miss her ->
She'll never reach out to me again ->
I hurt her and pushed her away by being unattractive. I'll always ruin relationships. It's very unlikely I find love again and it lasts ->
I'm a loser she'll definitely never come back with me like this. It's so embarrassing I'm still alive. I need to kms. ->
There are others in worse situations and I'm claiming to be suicidal with this bs I'm just weak. Toughen up ->
I'm not that tough. I'm not cut out for reality I just want things to be easy. I don't want to try hard. ->
Kys kys kys....

Start over once tired of thinking and realizing I don't have the courage or "enough good reasons" to commit at the end of the day and I'm just an asshole using suicide ideation as an escape.

 

[anonymoustache]

I feel mostly similar to how you described it. That makes the two of us.

 

[whybother2002]

I don't really have much experience on the subject to say something worthwhile. But reading "I hurt her and pushed her away by being unattractive" makes me really confused. Being sad it's not about rational thoughts at all (the opposite, actually), but I don't think what you said is true.

Unattractive? You loved this person deeply and you clearly experienced something meaningful in this relationship. You had a taste of love and you were loved. Why unattractive then? Why undeserving of love? Sorry, even if you fucked up (and all of us do, including your ex, even if she has become an ideal instead of a person now), to me your account of what happened means you clearly have lots of love to give and receive. And that no, you're not unattractive at all (or else, how would you have lived this with the person you put into a pedestal?)

But for now I'd concentrate in keeping my head busy. It's time, even if it seems you have no force at all, to get back on that hobby you like. Maybe go out with some friends. Watch a long anime. Change your style. Buy new clothes... Love will eventually get back into your life, and this time around you won't think about how you are unattractive and how you will destroy everything.

 

[fromange]

I don't really have much experience on the subject to say something worthwhile. But reading "I hurt her and pushed her away by being unattractive" makes me really confused. Being sad it's not about rational thoughts at all (the opposite, actually), but I don't think what you said is true.

Unattractive? You loved this person deeply and you clearly experienced something meaningful in this relationship. You had a taste of love and you were loved. Why unattractive then? Why undeserving of love? Sorry, even if you fucked up (and all of us do, including your ex, even if she has become an ideal instead of a person now), to me your account of what happened means you clearly have lots of love to give and receive. And that no, you're not unattractive at all (or else, how would you have lived this with the person you put into a pedestal?)

But for now I'd concentrate in keeping my head busy. It's time, even if it seems you have no force at all, to get back on that hobby you like. Maybe go out with some friends. Watch a long anime. Change your style. Buy new clothes... Love will eventually get back into your life, and this time around you won't think about how you are unattractive and how you will destroy everything.

Well, I can be loved if I'm the one put on a pedestal. But I revealed more of myself to her, she couldn't stand me. That crush infatuation died out. I wanna be loved. Sure it's "possible." But I realistically find it really hard to change myself. Unloveavle traits being ADHD and depression symptoms. Maybe a better chance with someone with all the same flaws or as many flaws as me, but hypocritically, I don't find that hypothetical person attractive either. I'm just sad that even if the world moves perfectly and she comes back or someone enters my life, it won't work because I'm the issue, not them.

I try my best. I journal, I meditate (more like breathing exercise now when my HR is up), medicate, try to go outside and socialize. But I feel like a burden and just an unnecessary person in a social setting because of my depression and anxiety. I don't have anything intetesting or funny to say. Yes I have thoughts that I think are funny but I get cold reactions when I say them. Everyone laughs at everyone else's jokes and all. But I don't find them funny and sometimes upsetting. I try to smile as much as possible and laugh at jokes I wouldn't naturally laugh at if no one was watching. But I can zone out at look like a sad loser. Who wants to be around someone like that, you know. A downer. My favorite activity is cycling but I felt so empty while doing it recently. I just wanted to talk to her. Idk what's fun for me anymore. If you have movie or show recommendations I would like some since I haven't seen anything recently. My mind just spirals in "kys" and the r word with the slightest moment of silence. I had a nightmare last night where I told my family about my thoughts and I get yelled at and chased around the world by them. It was awful. I have no one that can comfort me. I'm sorry it's negative but I've been so bogged down recently like nothing is helping.

 

[SadGirl]

I identified with your story, so I'll tell mine. I was hospitalized for depression and attempted suicide for 18 days. When I was discharged, I went to talk to my girlfriend; I missed her and wanted to see her. But she broke up with me. Our relationship wasn't good, but since I improved in the clinic, I thought our relationship would improve too. Well, she broke up with me. She said she wasn't well, and she's not. She gave several reasons for the breakup, and my heart was shattered. Since yesterday, I've spent the whole night crying and remembering our moments together. I tried to reverse the situation, but she wanted to break up anyway. She said things she felt about me that left me heartbroken. She truly doesn't feel anything for me anymore, and there's nothing I can do but move on. I don't think about suicide anymore, but I feel depressed about the breakup, which is normal. Don't feel like a loser or anything like that, I know it's difficult, but you need to be strong. I ruined everything between us, I miss her, but apparently she doesn't. So I have no choice but to move on and get over it.

 

[kiwimochii]

I try my best. I journal, I meditate (more like breathing exercise now when my HR is up), medicate, try to go outside and socialize. But I feel like a burden and just an unnecessary person in a social setting because of my depression and anxiety. I don't have anything intetesting or funny to say. Yes I have thoughts that I think are funny but I get cold reactions when I say them. Everyone laughs at everyone else's jokes and all. But I don't find them funny and sometimes upsetting. I try to smile as much as possible and laugh at jokes I wouldn't naturally laugh at if no one was watching. But I can zone out at look like a sad loser. Who wants to be around someone like that, you know. A downer. My favorite activity is cycling but I felt so empty while doing it recently. I just wanted to talk to her. Idk what's fun for me anymore. If you have movie or show recommendations I would like some since I haven't seen anything recently. My mind just spirals in "kys" and the r word with the slightest moment of silence. I had a nightmare last night where I told my family about my thoughts and I get yelled at and chased around the world by them. It was awful. I have no one that can comfort me. I'm sorry it's negative but I've been so bogged down recently like nothing is helping.

Im sorry if I'm overstepping here replying to this but the feeling of trying your best and nothing getting better is something I'm going through myself, and it just made me a bit glad(?) to see someone else I can relate with. Don't take this the wrong way, i do think it's really unfortunate you feel that way but ig reading this made me feel a little less lonely.
Id recommend watching Clannad and Clannad After Story, the first part might get boring for some but the second part is really nice. It's my comfort show, and even though it's been a while since I watched it (or anything for that matter), it holds a special place in my heart.

 

[fromange]

I identified with your story, so I'll tell mine. I was hospitalized for depression and attempted suicide for 18 days. When I was discharged, I went to talk to my girlfriend; I missed her and wanted to see her. But she broke up with me. Our relationship wasn't good, but since I improved in the clinic, I thought our relationship would improve too. Well, she broke up with me. She said she wasn't well, and she's not. She gave several reasons for the breakup, and my heart was shattered. Since yesterday, I've spent the whole night crying and remembering our moments together. I tried to reverse the situation, but she wanted to break up anyway. She said things she felt about me that left me heartbroken. She truly doesn't feel anything for me anymore, and there's nothing I can do but move on. I don't think about suicide anymore, but I feel depressed about the breakup, which is normal. Don't feel like a loser or anything like that, I know it's difficult, but you need to be strong. I ruined everything between us, I miss her, but apparently she doesn't. So I have no choice but to move on and get over it.

I'm sorry about your breakup. It just feels like despair. I'm glad you're not suicidal anymore. I know it's not a clear line, but that's cool. And like the other person said, I feel less alone knowing millions of people go through breakup everyday. Even though that's a tragedy of our existence to put it in a negative way. I sometimes wonder if I'm revealing too much info on this site for her or someone else I know irl to notice, but I realize I'm not even that special and there could be many others that check the same boxes in the world. Less lonely but makes me feel a little worse about how poorly I cope. Because you know, not everyone that check those boxes and sounds similar to me are on sites like this. Idk I'm rambling now but thanks for sharing.

Im sorry if I'm overstepping here replying to this but the feeling of trying your best and nothing getting better is something I'm going through myself, and it just made me a bit glad(?) to see someone else I can relate with. Don't take this the wrong way, i do think it's really unfortunate you feel that way but ig reading this made me feel a little less lonely.
Id recommend watching Clannad and Clannad After Story, the first part might get boring for some but the second part is really nice. It's my comfort show, and even though it's been a while since I watched it (or anything for that matter), it holds a special place in my heart.

Not overstepping at all. If this helps you I couldn't ask for anything more. Granted I have only been doing bare minimum this past week bailing on all the fancy self help shit. It's a negative feedback loop because once I fall off ofc it's harder for me to do extra work but that also means I'm not gonna feel better :/ Just taking it day by day I guess.

Actually a tangent but a video by therapy in a nutshell on how to improve self esteem was depressing for me because it basically said positive self talk is fine but real improvement comes from action and you being aware of that. E.g. volunteer if you feel useless. I'm like well shit. So I actually have to be a good person to think of myself as good. My self talk is evidence based, so I actually have to change, and kinda reinforced the suspicion I always had about positive self talk being delusional, narcissistic, and lazy. I.e., I'm not volunteering right now, so I am useless. Ok tangent over.

I actually started watching Clannad! Right after my breakup when I was bored and wanted to cry, because I've heard it gives you a good cry. I stopped because yeah it was kinda slow but now that I'm reminded I'll go watch it. Thanks!