I lost the game. I am not here to debate the pro and cons. Life spits me in my face again and again. I am unable to handle it. I am broken. I would need a hiatus from college my parents are against it. I am with my back against the wall. I am unable to handle the stress at college. My nervous system is so fucked. My body is in decline. My blood tests are horrible. My hunger is broken. I lose weight.
I won't discuss it with my best friends in detail. Two remain who are still willing to listen to my daily agony. But they are already doing it argumenting against killing myself. They are my best friends I expect that from them. But I am really at a point where rationally so so much is in favor of dying.
I have a source for SN and I won't share it. I could send an e-mail to the source now or tomorrow. From my experience I turn extremely depressed preparing my suicide. The night gonna be nighmarish. Whether I send him today or tomorrow this e-mail does not change the outcome. I think I do it this evening. I have promethazine this takes off the egde of my pain a little bit. I hope I can sleep.
I have to use online banking something I am not really familiar with. I am scared to fuck that up. I am really unable to handle the pain. The pain is so so so extreme. I cannot realize it I once again had a love delusion. I knew if this was another delusion I am unable to handle it. Something must happen. I considered to become an alcoholic me someone who never intentionally drunk alcohol. I am beyond my pain level. I have reached my limit. I am hiding it in front of my parents. Not sure how transparent I should be in front of my best frends.
My psychiatrist said none of her patients ever committed suicide. She soon retires. Well there is always a first time. Except for me in the instance to have a romantic partner. I kill myself instead. But I will be unable to get hurt anymore. I will simply cease to exist. And I cannot forget all of this cynical torture and living nightmare. I even praid to God to help me. It was useless. I cannot stomach it anymore. I simply can't.
If I try to kill myself I will take way more than what is recommded. I don't want to survive.
I am unable to carry the weight anymore. It feels like the right decision. I am very curious whether I am the type of person that feels relaxed having a safe and peaceful method at home or whether it will drive me nuts and can't stop ruminating until I flush it down the toilet. I am not sure when to take it. Could be soon. For the moment I feel way better. All my other options are far worse. The notion to stop existing feels so good. The best I can imagine.
I won't discuss it with my best friends in detail. Two remain who are still willing to listen to my daily agony. But they are already doing it argumenting against killing myself. They are my best friends I expect that from them. But I am really at a point where rationally so so much is in favor of dying.
I have a source for SN and I won't share it. I could send an e-mail to the source now or tomorrow. From my experience I turn extremely depressed preparing my suicide. The night gonna be nighmarish. Whether I send him today or tomorrow this e-mail does not change the outcome. I think I do it this evening. I have promethazine this takes off the egde of my pain a little bit. I hope I can sleep.
I have to use online banking something I am not really familiar with. I am scared to fuck that up. I am really unable to handle the pain. The pain is so so so extreme. I cannot realize it I once again had a love delusion. I knew if this was another delusion I am unable to handle it. Something must happen. I considered to become an alcoholic me someone who never intentionally drunk alcohol. I am beyond my pain level. I have reached my limit. I am hiding it in front of my parents. Not sure how transparent I should be in front of my best frends.
My psychiatrist said none of her patients ever committed suicide. She soon retires. Well there is always a first time. Except for me in the instance to have a romantic partner. I kill myself instead. But I will be unable to get hurt anymore. I will simply cease to exist. And I cannot forget all of this cynical torture and living nightmare. I even praid to God to help me. It was useless. I cannot stomach it anymore. I simply can't.
If I try to kill myself I will take way more than what is recommded. I don't want to survive.
I am unable to carry the weight anymore. It feels like the right decision. I am very curious whether I am the type of person that feels relaxed having a safe and peaceful method at home or whether it will drive me nuts and can't stop ruminating until I flush it down the toilet. I am not sure when to take it. Could be soon. For the moment I feel way better. All my other options are far worse. The notion to stop existing feels so good. The best I can imagine.
Last edited:
I see no new posts to the thread, I hope you are at peace or have organised everything 
