I might have failed an exam. I feel like throwing up. I despise myself.

[noname223]

I describe it quite often. But performance pressure is triggering me extremely hard. A few days ago I had a pretty difficult exam. Yeah I thought it would be way easier. The lecturer tricked us more or less. I think her intention was that many people fail. She was pretty evil in how she deceived us students. I won't go into details but it was kind of unfair.

I am extremely anxious that I have failed. I had very good marks in my past exams because I have a lot of OCD concerning studying. I am doing it for a very long time. But I fell for her trap. I thought some detail questions would never be asked. Yeah she screwed us.

If I failed I consider to quit college. Usually I had a second attempt. But I just cannot cope with this pressure. I am feeling really really awful when I think about exams. Despite the fact I always have two attempts I always feel extreme anxiety and I am really scared it triggers a new manic or psychotic epsiode.

Waiting for the results is so torturous. I had to guess quite often. Sometimes I could exclude two possbile answers so that I had a 50/50 chance to answer it correctly. I checked some of these questions. Some of my answers were right, some were wrong.

If I had to bet I would say I have passed the exam. Maybe 2/3 pass against 1/3 not having passed.Though 33,3% is still pretty pretty high. I just cannot cope with it. When I think about the exam I physically feel sick. It feels like I had to throw up. Especially when I looked some solutions up and found out my answers were wrong.

I just despise myself so much. It was a pretty hard exam. Most people said it was the most difficult of this semester. It was really unfair. But in the future I will face way more difficult exams. There will be exams about topics in which I am pretty pretty bad. I will dependent on the mood of the lecturer to be honest. My marks so far were pretty pretty good.

But honestly I think this does not mean much. It is still very unlikely that I can work. The last times I tried a job the work made me extremely depressed. I just underego this severe extreme presssure and anxiety probably for nothing.

Though I think it is quite likely I will need to quit college. I don't want to go into details because I am really scared about doxxing. I am pretty pretty sure that some courses will be insanely burdensome and triggering for me. I am not good in some courses/issues. I read a little bit about the things which I will be supposed to do. I am horrible in these subjects. It feels very impossible for me to pass these exams.

Maybe it is not fully impossible for me to pass the exams. I have met many students from higher semesters. And some of them don't seem to be that smart. I think there is something which will completely destroy me. In these extreme difficult exams I might could pass it with a very mediocre mark or with second worst one. But this is not how my brain is functioning.

I am always extremely anxious. I had the best possbile grade one time and my anxiety that I have failed were also insane this time. I was scared that I made some formal mistakes. I can remember it I waked up one day at like 3 a.m. and had something like a panic-attack about it.
I had a similar thing which happened to me some days ago. Very early in the morning getting extremely anxious about failing the exams.

I want to point out the following out. If I am not perfectly prepared for an exam and don't really get the content I am extremely anxious. I think being overburdened makes me usually either manic or psychotic. And if I only get half of the content I will be so anxious that I will get mentally very ill.

Honestly I think I might collapse if I find out I failed the exam. I could get seriously mentally ill. My self-hatred with be in another dimension. I think it would trigger me extremely. I might will get pretty suicidal. Depressive, manic or psychotic. My brain is really fragile. But I think I will extremely despise me. I really don't want to experience that. I am just so sick of this extreme pressure. It is so extremely torturous. I almsot can't think about anything else as long as I don't know the results. I will let you guys know it whether I have passed it.

I am so extremely anxious. I hate myself so much. I have studied so much how could I fall for her trick. Honestly it was really unfair. She left many hints that the exam will be not that difficult. And that some topics won't be this important. And yeah she made an about-face/ flipp-flopper. And asked really stupid detail questions.

I fucking hate myself. I cannot cope with the tension not knowing it. But I will cry so fucking hard if I failed. I just cannot take this shit anymore. It is so insane. (I think I am triggered so badly due to past chid abuse. I was abused when I did not perform well in school. It will haunt me till I die.)

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound so unbearable and I cannot even imagine how hard it must be having to endure all that. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering as none of us should have to endure such agony.

 

[noname223]

Just one remark. I have distracted myself this evening. I talked with my best friends, wrote a lot of threads in this forum. My best friend told me I should stop thinking about exams after I wrote them. I told him this is impossible. My brain does not work this way.
For example the panic attacks are caused by my unconscioussness.

I also feel kind of guilty because I distracted myself. It is is insane how much pressure I am doing to myself. I feel like I had the duty to worry about it without a break because otherwise this would show I lack motivation or dedication.

Honestly on a rational level I see this behavior is really insane and toxic. But I really cannot do anything about it. No matter what I do my brain wants to fuck me. The only thing that could help me getting a positive feedback.

This feeling like having to throw up is pretty nasty. I don't want to imagine how I feel in case I have failed the exam. It will destroy my whole remaining self-esteem and my tiny hope for the future.
Thanks for giving me here a place to share this.

I think many people cannot really understand why I am so obsessed by such an unimportant topic. But honestly child abuse can destroy your whole brain and limbic ystem. I am such a wreck.

 

[noname223]

Sorry I am whining even more about it. But I just cannot take this anxiety, pressure and tension anymore. I remembered 2 more mistakes which I probably made. I felt often like throwing up today. I just cannot take it anymore. Even if I am able to distract me for like half an hour I feel extremely guilty that I have distracted myself afterwards.

I just despise myself. This is really torturous. Today I checked myriads of times whether I received the mark. But the likelihood that it is updated on a Sunday is close to zero.

I just cannot handle this shit aynmore. It is ridiculous. If I failed I had the opportunity for a second attempt. But I just cannot cope with the pressure. This is way way too much for a human being to handle. It is extremely crippling. And I think I will collapse if I am exposed to this pressure.

I took a full benzo to ease the anxiety when I wrote the exam. And still I was insanely nervous and anxious. Sorry this will lead to an addiction. I just cannot take this shit. I even consider to kill myself because this pressure is so insane.

I see no way how I shall go on. The next semester will be way way harder than the past ones. Sorry I just see the abyss in which I am running in the future. Maybe I should just quit. I am so fucking anxious.

I had horrible nightmares that I have failed the exam yesterday. It was quite literally nightmarish. The funny thing is: the next semester will be way harder than the past ones. And I am already pretty close to collapsing/breaking down.

I just don't want to go on. I wish I had clarity. Though maybe as soon as I have the mark I might only want to forget it.
I am not sure whether I should kill myself. Playing this rigged game with this extreme inhuman pressure is insane. And everything that awaits me is the abyss. It is very likely that all my attempts to get a stable income will backfire in the end.

I am so fucking sick of it. Maybe I should have killed myself way earlier. I did not have the method knowledge at this time. I just see how the lives of my friends flourish. And I am still in this cage. Tormented every single day. Exposed to extreme anxiety, sorrows and pain. Everything is so cyncial.

 

[noname223]

Okay this is really really weird. This cannot be true.
I got the grade. And it is way way too good. I know like 10 mistakes for sure.

FIrst I had a very very good grade. Like the second best one can get. And now they changed it and I have the perfect grade. Like I had 0 mistakes.
This cannot be true...Not sure what I shall do?

I am very convinced this grade is not mine. I told it my best best friends and one guy I like in college. I almost made the mistake to tell it my learning group.

I have the feeling I should just shut the fuck up. I have made screenshots and downloaded the grades. But it is written these grades are not binding. Honestly it is pretty torturous telling me such an unbelievable good news. I could imagine they soon correct their mistake.
I am really not sure what to do...

 

[waitingforrest]

Okay this is really really weird. This cannot be true.
I got the grade. And it is way way too good. I know like 10 mistakes for sure.

FIrst I had a very very good grade. Like the second best one can get. And now they changed it and I have the perfect grade. Like I had 0 mistakes.
This cannot be true...Not sure what I shall do?

I am very convinced this grade is not mine. I told it my best best friends and one guy I like in college. I almost made the mistake to tell it my learning group.

I have the feeling I should just shut the fuck up. I have made screenshots and downloaded the grades. But it is written these grades are not binding. Honestly it is pretty torturous telling me such an unbelievable good news. I could imagine they soon correct their mistake.
I am really not sure what to do...

Glad to hear that it turned out okay, but it is understandable to be worried still after good news, fearing the downward spiral that may occur if the news was actually bad in disguise. I guess you are worrying if it was a mistake at the moment, which is in someways worse because of the uncertainty factor.

I know that it is hard to distract youself when it follows you into your dreams and you are getting physically sick from it as well. Hopefully, no more anixety-inducing news comes from the test and that is the last to hear of it.

It can sometimes feel like you are overreacting over nothing, but there's no shame in being worried over things that matter to you. (saying this in case you feel embarassed in any way or form)

 

[noname223]

Glad to hear that it turned out okay, but it is understandable to be worried still after good news, fearing the downward spiral that may occur if the news was actually bad in disguise. I guess you are worrying if it was a mistake at the moment, which is in someways worse because of the uncertainty factor.

I know that it is hard to distract youself when it follows you into your dreams and you are getting physically sick from it as well. Hopefully, no more anixety-inducing news comes from the test and that is the last to hear of it.

It can sometimes feel like you are overreacting over nothing, but there's no shame in being worried over things that matter to you. (saying this in case you feel embarassed in any way or form)

My best friend also said that I just was delusional how bad the exam was. But I am very certain these grades are not right. It is imposssible that I have the perfect grade. I hope they won't notice it.

I am very sure this grade cannot be true...

It would be quite heartbreaking for me to change in the bad direction.

Honestly this shit is too stressing for me. I cannot think of something else since hours. I am not feeling good. First my gaze became blurry. Like I had looked into the sun. Gladly this is gone now. But I have a very severe headache.
I would feel much better if the grade was realistic. With this grade I am sure there was a mistake. I hope very much they don't notice it.

I can get when people think this thread was cringe. But for me the relief is way bigger than the shame. The pressure that I do to myself is insane. I am so anxious. I still think they gave me a wrong grade. But I more and more gain hope they will not notice it. For sure I won't ask the university whether there might has been a mistake. I just hope noone will notice it.

 

[DarkNearDeath]

Wouldn't there be supplementary exam if you had failed? Or a second try to the exam, these are generally easier than the first.

 

[noname223]

Wouldn't there be supplementary exam if you had failed? Or a second try to the exam, these are generally easier than the first.

I think I could not stand the pressure. Even at my first try I needed benzos in order not to get ill. I think I cannot handle the pressure to know that if I fail I cannot go on. I know it sounds paradoxically but I would rather quit. The pressure makes me ill. I am too scared of relapsing. I am always very close to get a new manic or psychotic episode.