Venting girlblog (recovery diary)

[notrllycherub]

this thread is going to act as my diary to record any progress in my recovery. i do have a physical diary, but i often struggle with writing new entries. i also think, that sharing my feelings and thoughts with anyone here might make me feel a bit less lonely or depressed.



i'm very happy with how my day went today. i hung out with my best friend and in the evening i went out with some of my classmates for drinks. don't think i've had this much fun in a very long time.

i'm still anxious about my finals. exam season starts in four days and it's the only thing i can bring myself to think about right now. some of my friends couldn't care less if they pass or not and i'm so jealous of them it's making me sick. my whole future depends on it and even though i spent hours studying almost every day i still feel like i could do so much more. sometimes i can't help but feel like i already failed. i'll propably kill myself if i won't get into uni.

i recently started having issues with hygiene. not to make it sound like i'm dirty or something, i'm still clean and i consider myself to be a very hygienic person. i started struggling with smaller things, like getting myself to wash my teeth, or with doing my morning skincare. it's not a lot, but it's still enough to really bother me.

~ cherub

 

[notrllycherub]

cw: ventttt

not much has happened since thursday, but i feel worse. previously i've posted, that i ordered SN, but i decided to request a refund before it got sent. i keep revising for my exams, but i'm starting to think, that i might not even pass. i don't even have enough words to articulate how much of an idiot i think i am. i wish i didn't have this much trouble with studying, sometimes i genuinely feel like i'm too stupid for a low wage job, not to mention getting into university. everything seems to be a challenge to me and every time i talk with other people i feel so, so behind. getting into uni is a dream of mine and it pains me that i'm the way i am, i keep beating myself up over each time i embarrass myself or get a fact wrong. i wish i was smarter.

 

[milkteacrown]

Be kinder to yourself. Being on here tells me that you struggle with a weight many of your peers in university will never experience even a fraction of in their lives. You aren't stupid—I can tell that from your post. You can read, write, and communicate effectively, and that means you can get a degree with enough resources and support. I know it doesn't feel that way, but I promise, people do it all the time.
I have a memory disorder and am basically pre-dementia in my early 20s, but I'm about to get my AA. You can do it, too.

 

[Diceroller90]

this thread is going to act as my diary to record any progress in my recovery. i do have a physical diary, but i often struggle with writing new entries. i also think, that sharing my feelings and thoughts with anyone here might make me feel a bit less lonely or depressed.

View attachment 165796

i'm very happy with how my day went today. i hung out with my best friend and in the evening i went out with some of my classmates for drinks. don't think i've had this much fun in a very long time.

i'm still anxious about my finals. exam season starts in four days and it's the only thing i can bring myself to think about right now. some of my friends couldn't care less if they pass or not and i'm so jealous of them it's making me sick. my whole future depends on it and even though i spent hours studying almost every day i still feel like i could do so much more. sometimes i can't help but feel like i already failed. i'll propably kill myself if i won't get into uni.

i recently started having issues with hygiene. not to make it sound like i'm dirty or something, i'm still clean and i consider myself to be a very hygienic person. i started struggling with smaller things, like getting myself to wash my teeth, or with doing my morning skincare. it's not a lot, but it's still enough to really bother me.

~ cherub

Thank you for sharing, Cherub. Its great to hear how you went out for drinks with your friends. When you are depressed, it can feel like a weight on your chest that makes it hard to get up, never mind socialize, yet you did so and were rewarded for it.

Final exams are tough. When I was in school I always stressed about them. @milkteacrown is right, you are articulate and intelligent. You just have a massive burden on your plate so you need to work twice as hard just to maintain pace with the crowd. Here is the thing, you are maintaining pace with the crowd! So let that be proof of how smart you really are and how much more successful you will be when you come out of this mess.

As for the small stuff, I recommend treating yourself. I put my toothpaste on top of my MP3 player (am I old?) so that if I want to listen to music when I shower, I have to pick up the toothpaste and brush my teeth first. Reward yourself on the little things since for you they are not little. Just look around this board and you will see how many people's goals are to get where you are at right now. Celebrate how far you have come and use that as fuel to reach your goals.

I look forward to more of your posts. Best of luck in your finals and if there is anything I can do to help (even if its just make flash cards) let me know.

 

[monetpompo]

number 1 cherub fan logging into SaSu!! let's flipping go!!!!!!!!!

everything seems to be a challenge to me and every time i talk with other people i feel so, so behind. getting into uni is a dream of mine and it pains me that i'm the way i am, i keep beating myself up over each time i embarrass myself or get a fact wrong

i completely relate to how you're feeling. it makes me feel resentful of just about everyone i know and it feels agonizing to think that i'm stupid and incapable of doing everything my peers and the people close to me can seemingly achieve with ease. like @milkteacrown said, you're definitely smarter than you think you are. i've always doubted myself, but i still get told by the people i know that i'm never actually as dumb as i tell myself i am. it's really easy to feel like a waste when you're always tell yourself that, but it's never true!! you're going through grief that's different from your peers, which is why it seems like they have everything easier than you. i know that i think that when i think about my friend who seems to know everything and cope with his own issues without breaking down like i do. it's comforting to see your posts since they're one of the first few i read before making my own account. i look forward to reading more of your posts! ♡

 

[notrllycherub]

before i say anything, i'd like to thank everyone, especially @getoutgirl and @monetpompo, for the overwhelming amount of support<3 i've been feeling a bit worse recently, but the kind responses i got here helped me get though the last few days. i am endlessly thankful for every kind word<3

i am almost done with my finals! i also haven't specified what exams i'm taking, but they're basically the equivalent of SATs in the US. what's important is that i need those to get into uni. i have three exams left, but they're in around 10 days. here's how each one of them went so far:

my native language - i will be retaking this exam in three months. i calmed down by now, but i'm still very angry and dissapointed with myself. i was hoping for a score of over 90%, but i ran out of space to finish the excercise worth many points and it went downhill from there. i'm not sure if i was going through a panic attack, but i panicked. i pretty much started bawling once i went to the bathroom lol. in the end i haven't even started the essay, which is worth over half of the exam's score. some of the teachers were kind enough to help me, but i'm still very much embarrased.

math - math is not taken into consideration where i want to apply, so i didn't really care about the score. after checking the answers i should end up with about 55-60% which i'm not very mad about (but still a lil dissapointed).

english - i went there for sports lmao i'm hoping for a 100%

advanced english - pretty much the same as basic level english. i've heard many opinions abt this one, but my expectations were way higher. hoping for over 90%

 

[monetpompo]

AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! A WIN FOR CHERUB FANS AROUND THE WORLD!!! WE BELIEVED IN THE DREAM!!