I might be a disappointing bum

[gremlintime]

I'm so fucking disappointed with myself. I got laid off, no fault of my own, just didn't win the fucking lottery of the few that get to keep their jobs. Instead of being responsible, I decided to continue going on a planned camping trip with my friends, hoping it'd distract me. It didn't and I feel like I brought the mood down way too much, even though I realistically didn't by much. I should've stayed home and started going through what I should pack and get rid of for/if I have to move to some cheaper apartment or crash with a friend. I should've stayed home to clean up my room and do the chores that I haven't been doing for weeks. And then, I can't even drink peacefully without feeling guilty because my boyfriend hates when I drink. I've disregarded his feelings often on the matter, and the guilt of that stupidly over weighs the mental reprieve I got from drinking. I hate that I can't do anything without thinking about how others will be affected by my action. And I care too much about others to just fucking ignore them. If I could just forget about people and completely disregard my relationship and friendships, I could've killed myself so much sooner. My bf told me I disregarded his feelings, but bro's fucking lucky that I regard his and others feelings enough to be alive for them. I'm so disappointed I don't put myself before others.