Venting i might actually do it tonight

[mitsurumors]

crux is, I've survived so often that I'm really afraid of the "what-if"s

like do i let the key in the keyhole, making it for my partner harder to get into the apartment, thus taking them more time to find out what I'm doing, while I jump out of the window (ground floor) to get to the location?
if I survive this will cost me dearly, locking me up and not to speak of the money
also do I take my phone with me so I can browse this site before I fall asleep? or should I not, since it's a very expensive one?

I wanna take a whoooole bunch of Psychopharmaka while maybe attempting to drown myself
but like I said, I'm scared of survival

 

[Salting the wounds]

I also need to leave tonight, I can't stand another day

 

[human909]

I wish you good luck and hope you find the peace that you've been searching for.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best in what you decide.

 

[mitsurumors]

thank you so much
I've arrived at the location, but taken phone and keys with me
the thing that really makes me a coward is the fear of survival, since I've survived a few times already
even now I'm thinking like "if i climb down the way to the water there's no way my disabled body will get back up again, and if I survive they gonna lock me up again"

also it's just so cold out here

edit says: nevermind it's just too cold, the kind of "I'm autistic so I'm quite vulnerable to cold, pain etc., I'm hungry, sleep deprived, and in chronic pain, and now it rains" cold
I'll update tomorrow if I'm gonna go through with it or not