Last month I was in a horrible psych ward. I almost took SN but my friends called the police. I am in a horrible shape and I think I cannot stomach that for much more time. Since the last days I might have caught covid or a really bad flu. Since last Sunday I get more and more depressed. My sleep rythem gets out of control
I barely can eat I feel so sick to my stomach. The depression caused severe vivid nightmares the whole fucking night. I wake up every 5 minutes after traumatizng as shit nightmares and have to force myself to sleep. I even consider just to stay awake but if I don't get enough sleep I become psychotic. I crashed from mania to depression the last weeks so often. Currently, I am not manic anymore but I become more and more depressed. My pulse is extremely high and it feels so fucking bad. My blood pressure is either way too high or way too low. I have all the time love delusions where I crash from heaven into hell.
From the outside noone sees that. I am a young healthy man with a lot of life ahead of him. I wish my head would simply explode it would be way more human.
I cannot kill myself now. I want to wait until April and collect more reasons to go through with. I hope my determination grows until then.
I feel so so fucking bad.
I simply cannot endure that shit much longer. I am so full of it. The pain is unbearable and it simply won't stop. My depression is so bad I barely can leave the bed.
I have a high mental pain tolerance but I reached my limit. Since April I have crossed this certain line where I become acute suicidal.
I feel bad for my parents, grandma, and closest friends that have to cope with my loss. But I cannot survive them.
I think many people though won't give a shit about my death. One of my aunts rather blamed me for planning my suicide how could I do something like that to my parents.
I try to prepare all of them as good as possible. To birthdays of my friends I write them very personal birthday cards where I put a lot of effort into it. I stopped blaming my parents for ruining my childhood by abusing me. I think my suicide might ruin their lives/ kill them. I am well aware of that. Maybe I played the cards I have been dealth with the wrong way. I put extremely much power in my attempt to attend college. I should have quitted earlier. But everyone pushed me to continue. Therapists and my family. But honestly collge ruined my health even more. My attempt to save my life backfired spectacularly. However, I should not torture me over that. I think almost all of my possible decisions would have ended in suicide.
I want to scream, I want to shout, I want to cry, I want to cut of my head, I want to blow out my brain. I cannot live with thinking anymore. Thinking is torturing me. Praying I die in my sleep won't help me I know that. There is only one person than can end this. This never ending torture. I have 5 decades ahead of me if I don't do it. This is totally nuts. I think I might be in so much pain that I become totally delusional.
I barely can eat I feel so sick to my stomach. The depression caused severe vivid nightmares the whole fucking night. I wake up every 5 minutes after traumatizng as shit nightmares and have to force myself to sleep. I even consider just to stay awake but if I don't get enough sleep I become psychotic. I crashed from mania to depression the last weeks so often. Currently, I am not manic anymore but I become more and more depressed. My pulse is extremely high and it feels so fucking bad. My blood pressure is either way too high or way too low. I have all the time love delusions where I crash from heaven into hell.
From the outside noone sees that. I am a young healthy man with a lot of life ahead of him. I wish my head would simply explode it would be way more human.
I cannot kill myself now. I want to wait until April and collect more reasons to go through with. I hope my determination grows until then.
I feel so so fucking bad.
I simply cannot endure that shit much longer. I am so full of it. The pain is unbearable and it simply won't stop. My depression is so bad I barely can leave the bed.
I have a high mental pain tolerance but I reached my limit. Since April I have crossed this certain line where I become acute suicidal.
I feel bad for my parents, grandma, and closest friends that have to cope with my loss. But I cannot survive them.
I think many people though won't give a shit about my death. One of my aunts rather blamed me for planning my suicide how could I do something like that to my parents.
I try to prepare all of them as good as possible. To birthdays of my friends I write them very personal birthday cards where I put a lot of effort into it. I stopped blaming my parents for ruining my childhood by abusing me. I think my suicide might ruin their lives/ kill them. I am well aware of that. Maybe I played the cards I have been dealth with the wrong way. I put extremely much power in my attempt to attend college. I should have quitted earlier. But everyone pushed me to continue. Therapists and my family. But honestly collge ruined my health even more. My attempt to save my life backfired spectacularly. However, I should not torture me over that. I think almost all of my possible decisions would have ended in suicide.
I want to scream, I want to shout, I want to cry, I want to cut of my head, I want to blow out my brain. I cannot live with thinking anymore. Thinking is torturing me. Praying I die in my sleep won't help me I know that. There is only one person than can end this. This never ending torture. I have 5 decades ahead of me if I don't do it. This is totally nuts. I think I might be in so much pain that I become totally delusional.
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