Story i made my life lifeless and it made everything worse

[an_alias]

i'm the human equivalent of a rat endlessly drowning-walking in its cage, hitting its head on the walls again and again
i don't have a future. since i was 12 or so i first realised that i was too inalterably soft yet also heartless to have any place in the world - chewed up and spat out by the fucking wind. most of my life since then has just been me torturing myself - trying to keep myself away from any escape - tearing my brain in half, hoping I'll come up with a finally successful attempt after the next day of suffering

i have to do something for someone or i'll fucking cry. i am a manwhore and i suck up the entire world around me, i can't live such a one-sided world; it'll be too agonising. the point is that it should be painful - that way I'll build up the courage to try and hang myself again - but instead it keeps me bound to bed, and now i'm out of sight and my own fucking mind. I'm lonely man. I'm really fucking lonely. I'm soooooooooooooooooooooo love you so like the burnt feather that you wake up in tomorrow jajafjaga, so I have to do something for someone, something that will never happen. something that's stuck with me forever