Venting I made a mistake

[highjumping]

I really wanted to try and get better but I feel like giving up.
The person I talked to for some time isn't responding anymore, I'm no longer of need.
There is nobody left to care at this point, it's getting bad again and my brain is clouded, I just feel like giving in, into the thoughts that haunt me all night, telling me I'm not good enough, the world is going to shit anyways, I'm just looking for sleep after years of insomnia. I'm getting sick of people telling me suicide isn't a solution and then just leaving me to rot. Then give me a better one if you think suicide isn't a solution. I'm too tired to be mad, I dragged myself out of bed just to write this on my pc because my thoughts are so overwhelming I can't deal with them alone anymore. At least people here listen to me i guess, not like I have anyone else left at this point.
I feel stupid for writing this and thinking anyone would care about my stupid issues, I'm no more than another sick person in a dying world.
I'm wasting my time alone in my room but I have nobody who would spend time with me, I feel like falling into a hole of self pity, I disgust myself.
Staying clean is harder every day, I hope people suffer greatly once I'm gone soon.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

You can always vent here and there if a always people like me who can listen and offer you support tbh.

I don't really miss people as per say tbh, because anyone that can easily be lied to or manipulated is not worth talking to. Today I tried to call sister because she sent me a good morning message my mum told me a few months ago upon visiting her how my sister always referred to me as her "murungu" because of how supportive I was towards her and also she would post me on her what's app story and call me a deputy parent and she told me I did a lot for her and she was thankful and grateful. Our relationship hasn't been easy either with full ups and downs but I pity her somehow because she is being lied to and she doesn't know the whole truth and the full back story of what happened five years ago sometimes I wish I had mentioned this earlier or just listened to my mum when she she told me a guy was trouble because some people just like destroying things with their lies and like what my mum predicted she said "he is only going to stop once someone is dead".

My biggest regret in my life was not listening to my mama and right now I would still be supporting my sister and other family members. There is a lot of things that i knew that I used to keep to myself and tbh I wish I said back then because that would have avoided the disaster that I'm in right now.

Never help any mf because they will still not like seeing you doing well In life and when they had nothing they came to you for help.

Just look at the case of Abby Choi humans are filled with devious intentions and cruelty and in this world the first time this happened I didn't say a word but I'm planning on causing havoc. People don't like it when I expose their hypocrisy and lies and even this guy is still lying saying to this girl I told this guy that she liked about something when in reality it was him because she had said he looked like an animal the thing is people like that don't change and I knew that he was trouble and I should have ditched him so many many years ago oh wait I did but he came with some fake apology.

Since you said people don't want to talk to you take it as a blessing because you know what you won't have to deal with their bs and them using anything against you. When I was in my early 20s I kept most of my personal issues to myself and no one tries any f?ckery with me then and I wish I had stayed like that. Humans are weird and on most cases are cruel or sometimes indifferent.

Trust nobody because the moment you do you will be in for a great shock and it is better to rely on strangers than on people you would consider as "close" never again till I CTB.

The fact that my mum didn't want him in our house says a lot about him and how my mum viewed him as a person and not only that when she saw him on national tv she had to have a pep talk with me and she said please don't ever speak to him again he is a big big trouble that guy. Before I ctb I'm going to record this to her and apologise for not listening to her because our family calamity was brought by him and the two girls she didn't want in her house as well… ahahahah

 

[MrDarkness]

Hey bro I understand not being able to sleep due to thoughts, I suffer from it constantly, if you need someone to talk too my dms are always open

 

[highjumping]

Hey bro I understand not being able to sleep due to thoughts, I suffer from it constantly, if you need someone to talk too my dms are always open

thanks, i'm just scared of getting too close to people because they always end up leaving me and i just get more depressed

You can always vent here and there if a always people like me who can listen and offer you support tbh.

I don't really miss people as per say tbh, because anyone that can easily be lied to or manipulated is not worth talking to. Today I tried to call sister because she sent me a good morning message my mum told me a few months ago upon visiting her how my sister always referred to me as her "murungu" because of how supportive I was towards her and also she would post me on her what's app story and call me a deputy parent and she told me I did a lot for her and she was thankful and grateful. Our relationship hasn't been easy either with full ups and downs but I pity her somehow because she is being lied to and she doesn't know the whole truth and the full back story of what happened five years ago sometimes I wish I had mentioned this earlier or just listened to my mum when she she told me a guy was trouble because some people just like destroying things with their lies and like what my mum predicted she said "he is only going to stop once someone is dead".

My biggest regret in my life was not listening to my mama and right now I would still be supporting my sister and other family members. There is a lot of things that i knew that I used to keep to myself and tbh I wish I said back then because that would have avoided the disaster that I'm in right now.

Never help any mf because they will still not like seeing you doing well In life and when they had nothing they came to you for help.

Just look at the case of Abby Choi humans are filled with devious intentions and cruelty and in this world the first time this happened I didn't say a word but I'm planning on causing havoc. People don't like it when I expose their hypocrisy and lies and even this guy is still lying saying to this girl I told this guy that she liked about something when in reality it was him because she had said he looked like an animal the thing is people like that don't change and I knew that he was trouble and I should have ditched him so many many years ago oh wait I did but he came with some fake apology.

Since you said people don't want to talk to you take it as a blessing because you know what you won't have to deal with their bs and them using anything against you. When I was in my early 20s I kept most of my personal issues to myself and no one tries any f?ckery with me then and I wish I had stayed like that. Humans are weird and on most cases are cruel or sometimes indifferent.

Trust nobody because the moment you do you will be in for a great shock and it is better to rely on strangers than on people you would consider as "close" never again till I CTB.

The fact that my mum didn't want him in our house says a lot about him and how my mum viewed him as a person and not only that when she saw him on national tv she had to have a pep talk with me and she said please don't ever speak to him again he is a big big trouble that guy. Before I ctb I'm going to record this to her and apologise for not listening to her because our family calamity was brought by him and the two girls she didn't want in her house as well… ahahahah

i'm sorry for what happened
humans are terrible and i wish i wouldn't get that attached to people anymore but i still do

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

thanks, i'm just scared of getting too close to people because they always end up leaving me and i just get more depressed

Oh poor thing, me I had to block a lot of them and tbh they were the ones reaching out to me when this mess was going on.

I don't really believe in friends or any of that tbh because when someone f?cks you over the first time please run and never look back because if
you do you will be more f?cked over by them.

Edit - I don't even reach out to anyone, I only respond if someone reaches out to me.

 

[MrDarkness]

thanks, i'm just scared of getting too close to people because they always end up leaving me and i just get more depressed

I'll try my best to reply if you do dm, I'll be around unless I'm sleeping or dead

 

[poa.alpina]

I suggest, as people above, do not trust people. I had this smilar problem - a friend, a person I cared about. As soon as we left university - contact dropped. I am still asking myself "why?"
Just keep a distance. It's not worth opening up.
Don't push yourself. Let yourself rest for a few days, or however long you need really.
Damn, i wish i could give you a hug. We care, we know how it feels so we care. And listen.

I would suggest DMs too, but i am aware that my brain is empty and prevents me from properly talking to people. I don't want to make you feel even worse. I periodically reassure my friend "hey, i'm still here, i just don't really know what to say".
(Seriously, if any of you feels like some time has passed, feel free to reassure them - it's way better than silence)

For insomnia, if you got these in your country, get ZzzQuil gummies, a violet bottle, very tasty (berries) and, most importantly, they knock you out cold. And i say this out of my experience. I used to work nightshifts, sometimes could go 3-4 days with 8hrs sleep total, and these were a lifesaver once i got them. They have melatonin and a bunch of herbs. Melatonin alone was useless to me.

 

[highjumping]

I suggest, as people above, do not trust people. I had this smilar problem - a friend, a person I cared about. As soon as we left university - contact dropped. I am still asking myself "why?"
Just keep a distance. It's not worth opening up.
Don't push yourself. Let yourself rest for a few days, or however long you need really.
Damn, i wish i could give you a hug. We care, we know how it feels so we care. And listen.

I would suggest DMs too, but i am aware that my brain is empty and prevents me from properly talking to people. I don't want to make you feel even worse. I periodically reassure my friend "hey, i'm still here, i just don't really know what to say".
(Seriously, if any of you feels like some time has passed, feel free to reassure them - it's way better than silence)

For insomnia, if you got these in your country, get ZzzQuil gummies, a violet bottle, very tasty (berries) and, most importantly, they knock you out cold. And i say this out of my experience. I used to work nightshifts, sometimes could go 3-4 days with 8hrs sleep total, and these were a lifesaver once i got them. They have melatonin and a bunch of herbs. Melatonin alone was useless to me.

thank you lot, I'm so grateful for this forum and that people just let me write my thoughts out and get it off my chest

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing here certainly is so dreadful and I do understand that it's awful when existing just continues to get worse, it must be really tiring what you have to go through, it's true that you cannot rely on other people in this cruel world, humans very often just create even more suffering. But anyway I wish you the best.