Venting i love my mother but maybe ctb is the only way?

[moya117]

i love my mom, i love her so much, but sometimes and more often than i like to admit, she made me realize that maybe ctb is the answer for me, but i know for sure that she will go crazy if i commit and i don't want that, i want to see her smile and put herself above anyone else, she have been through so much already and i just want her to be happy. she cried this night talking about how and why karma did not get her abuser but rather get her when she noticed im feeling down, the way she words it out... it felt like im the problem and maybe just killing myself is the quick solution to all her problems, if only i know that she would not go crazy if i do it then i might already done it a long time ago, i know it hurts to see her daughter like this but im trying, i trully do, i shower regularely now, i even take care of myself and use some skincare but i somehow dont listen to her advice about "take care of your body"? when she clearly instruct me to litarally shower and use skincare, i get that its not enough and i should have done more b ut can't you atleast say that you're proud of me? if that's too much to ask for then maybe stop blaming me that i don't take care of myself enough when im clearly trying my best.
i love my mom, but why does she cry and tell me that "im always wrong, i always do" when i explained to her not to mention that my weight goes up when im feeling down cus its making my problems worse.
she talks that its just silly to wonder if im on the spectrum or not, and when i said i just dont want to feel crazy or just overreacting when i feel this way, she answer with "you do overreact" and when i answer with "oh" she said "go get it tested then and we'll see, you are normal" now im afraid that i am "normal" and just overreacting, just because im "smart" does not mean im "normal" no?
is there like a way to just disappear and make everyone forgot i exist? is there like a devil that i have to make contract with to make it happen?
i want to ctb but i don't want her thinking that it's her fault, it's just the way i am. but at the same time, im afraid od ctb, i dont know wether or not the afterlife exist and im just a coward i suppose.
maybe one of you thought "well just recover" or "ctb is not the only answer" but my road to recovery feel very long and out of reach now, i do become a functioning member of society, i do laugh and make jokes, i am "better" now, but it feels like im wearing a mask, i feel like im faking it, i feel like i don't deserve it.

"if you really love me, then you would not be like this" i love you, i really do, is it not enough? i dont know, my ability to love you is this much, is it too litle for you? im sorry that i did not recover quickly enough but i promise its not because i love you less, is it? i even doubt myself now

mom, i just want you to be happy

 

[miseryonearth]

I will CTB in three days. I know my mother will be sad but that's okay. I need to exit this existence

 

[moya117]

I will CTB in three days. I know my mother will be sad but that's okay. I need to exit this existence

may you find peace my friend

 

[spypilot896]

I wish my family would stop worrying abt me , they call and visit me so much
before I ctb I'll leave them a note assuring them I'll be fine