Venting i love my mother but maybe ctb is the only way?

[moya117]

i love my mom, i love her so much, but sometimes and more often than i like to admit, she made me realize that maybe ctb is the answer for me, but i know for sure that she will go crazy if i commit and i don't want that, i want to see her smile and put herself above anyone else, she have been through so much already and i just want her to be happy. she cried this night talking about how and why karma did not get her abuser but rather get her when she noticed im feeling down, the way she words it out... it felt like im the problem and maybe just killing myself is the quick solution to all her problems, if only i know that she would not go crazy if i do it then i might already done it a long time ago, i know it hurts to see her daughter like this but im trying, i trully do, i shower regularely now, i even take care of myself and use some skincare but i somehow dont listen to her advice about "take care of your body"? when she clearly instruct me to litarally shower and use skincare, i get that its not enough and i should have done more b ut can't you atleast say that you're proud of me? if that's too much to ask for then maybe stop blaming me that i don't take care of myself enough when im clearly trying my best.
i love my mom, but why does she cry and tell me that "im always wrong, i always do" when i explained to her not to mention that my weight goes up when im feeling down cus its making my problems worse.
she talks that its just silly to wonder if im on the spectrum or not, and when i said i just dont want to feel crazy or just overreacting when i feel this way, she answer with "you do overreact" and when i answer with "oh" she said "go get it tested then and we'll see, you are normal" now im afraid that i am "normal" and just overreacting, just because im "smart" does not mean im "normal" no?
is there like a way to just disappear and make everyone forgot i exist? is there like a devil that i have to make contract with to make it happen?
i want to ctb but i don't want her thinking that it's her fault, it's just the way i am. but at the same time, im afraid od ctb, i dont know wether or not the afterlife exist and im just a coward i suppose.
maybe one of you thought "well just recover" or "ctb is not the only answer" but my road to recovery feel very long and out of reach now, i do become a functioning member of society, i do laugh and make jokes, i am "better" now, but it feels like im wearing a mask, i feel like im faking it, i feel like i don't deserve it.

"if you really love me, then you would not be like this" i love you, i really do, is it not enough? i dont know, my ability to love you is this much, is it too litle for you? im sorry that i did not recover quickly enough but i promise its not because i love you less, is it? i even doubt myself now

mom, i just want you to be happy

 

[miseryonearth]

I will CTB in three days. I know my mother will be sad but that's okay. I need to exit this existence

 

[moya117]

I will CTB in three days. I know my mother will be sad but that's okay. I need to exit this existence

may you find peace my friend

 

[spypilot896]

I wish my family would stop worrying abt me , they call and visit me so much
before I ctb I'll leave them a note assuring them I'll be fine

 

[IDontKnowEverything]

I'm certain that you truly do try your very best and it really sounds unfair.
All of the ways that she is affecting you negatively too, know it isn't your fault.

mom, i just want you to be happy

That's the difficult part because that is on her, not on you.
Nobody can truly fix her but her herself. You aren't the one who either should be nor actually is responsible for that.
It isn't up to you to take her happiness into your own hands nor do drastic things for it, even if you truly do love her.
The way that I, a stranger see it, is that she will never be truly happy no matter how hard you try to do anything unless she herself chooses change.
I am by no means trying to diminish her own difficulties in life but it really is unfair if you yourself were driven to this point.
I don't know if moving out is an option? Doesn't have to be right away but eventually?
Leaving her to her own devices for a little while might be an alright idea if it is an option. You can always still talk, just don't have to live together anymore.
But in any case, don't CTB for her sake, it won't go the way you are imagining it here.
As for the faking it part, that is all the process of finding your true self in a way.
I never could afford to take any tests but personally I kind of hate the way they are structured.
If it would help, go.
But no matter the result, it isn't something that can change you as a person.
Figuring your own mind and triggers out is an arduous process, but if you can, try to eliminate as much self blame from it as possible.
You didn't nor do you do have it easy.
Best of luck with whatever it is you will do.

 

[moya117]

I wish my family would stop worrying abt me , they call and visit me so much
before I ctb I'll leave them a note assuring them I'll be fine

same, as much as i want love from them, i sometimes want them just to not care for me so i can be gone peacefully without worrying about them. its a good idea to leave notes, maybe they will blame themself less. i wish you well on your journey ♥

I'm certain that you truly do try your very best and it really sounds unfair.
All of the ways that she is affecting you negatively too, know it isn't your fault.

That's the difficult part because that is on her, not on you.
Nobody can truly fix her but her herself. You aren't the one who either should be nor actually is responsible for that.
It isn't up to you to take her happiness into your own hands nor do drastic things for it, even if you truly do love her.
The way that I, a stranger see it, is that she will never be truly happy no matter how hard you try to do anything unless she herself chooses change.
I am by no means trying to diminish her own difficulties in life but it really is unfair if you yourself were driven to this point.
I don't know if moving out is an option? Doesn't have to be right away but eventually?
Leaving her to her own devices for a little while might be an alright idea if it is an option. You can always still talk, just don't have to live together anymore.
But in any case, don't CTB for her sake, it won't go the way you are imagining it here.
As for the faking it part, that is all the process of finding your true self in a way.
I never could afford to take any tests but personally I kind of hate the way they are structured.
If it would help, go.
But no matter the result, it isn't something that can change you as a person.
Figuring your own mind and triggers out is an arduous process, but if you can, try to eliminate as much self blame from it as possible.
You didn't nor do you do have it easy.
Best of luck with whatever it is you will do.

thank you, im gonna move out if i have the money, far from my mother and my sister, but when my mom gets older i promise to take care of her... so i don't know... she did make me happy but she's the cause of my sufferings too.
i dont know how the tructure of the test is cus i have never take any test before, my psychologist just diagnosed me with severe deppressive episode and thats it i guess, i tried talking about my other issues to both my therapist my psychiatrist but nah they just dissmiss it, as long as im alive i guess but theyre wrong cus my other issues is the cause of me being this way

 

[IDontKnowEverything]

she did make me happy but she's the cause of my sufferings too.

Mine made me suffer loads as well and gave me so many complexes.
Yet she does love me as her child and once I got a little older, the two of us indeed forged some happy memories together.
I forgive her as a parent and as a person but that doesn't mean that the damage ever really fully went away.
I don't have any intentions of blaming all of this on her however.
My advice on this is that be it love or hate, you shouldn't force either feeling.
It's very difficult to ignore the pain very often, especially as it is still actively happening.
Yet what all of the situation, no matter how complex meant for you, that gets a lot simpler to process and think about once you can finally properly breathe.

but when my mom gets older i promise to take care of her.

Haha, you really rock.
If it gets to that, by that point try to talk things out a little bit with her.
I don't know where you are from, how things are settled over there usually if they are ever settled at all, but having the conversation of some things simply not being okay to have been done or said to you by that point seem quite important.
Now too, bringing some things to light would be good for you.
Even if she isn't the type to listen, she can only pretend not to hear.

Although I understand many of the sentiments you expressed here quite well, fact remains I am ignorant of your true situation and that I already said too much.
Only you can be the judge of when things are right or not in your life.
I was mostly trying to relay that when possible, self advocation be it sooner or much much later, means a lot especially with people who have so much power over you as a person.

i dont know how the tructure of the test is cus i have never take any test before

Depends on which one, but seeing how so many many things concerning the mind are wide spectrums, it is very difficult to not only view the mind as a true science, but create any set of tests that doesn't end up with plenty of both false positives and of false negatives.

i tried talking about my other issues to both my therapist my psychiatrist but nah they just dissmiss it

Very, very tough one and I despise how often it happens.
See if you can find an online support group that takes up your region.
It can help you understand yourself better, vent it out some more, but also to see if anyone has had good experiences with specific professionals that you can also get the name of.

my other issues is the cause of me being this way

I feel that. If I myself was different as a person I likely wouldn't even be on this website.
Maybe at rehab, but if I was different I think I would even have made it.
Although one thing that stands is that if I was less self destructive and actually sought help, then in a decade or two I could have been fine with this life dependent of how things went.
I gave up and that is why it got worse instead of better.
You can do what you want with both your life and self-inflicted death and that is a freedom I won't stand for if it ever gets fully taken away.
But the possibility makes it easier to try.
I won't try to take away one of the rights that nature itself granted you, but if you feel like you can, I do reccomend trying to press on, even if a little longer, to make some desicions that were meant for nobody else but for you and for your own well-being, just to see how everything will play out.
I do apologise for basically spamming you.
I truly wish you the best of luck, again, no matter what you choose to do.
Much love.

 

[pauly369]

At the moment, Im only staying alive because I know that if I eneded things it would hurt her deeply.
Ive attempted in the past but I was so far gone that I didnt care anymore.
Staying alive for others is torture.

 

[moya117]

Mine made me suffer loads as well and gave me so many complexes.
Yet she does love me as her child and once I got a little older, the two of us indeed forged some happy memories together.
I forgive her as a parent and as a person but that doesn't mean that the damage ever really fully went away.
I don't have any intentions of blaming all of this on her however.
My advice on this is that be it love or hate, you shouldn't force either feeling.
It's very difficult to ignore the pain very often, especially as it is still actively happening.
Yet what all of the situation, no matter how complex meant for you, that gets a lot simpler to process and think about once you can finally properly breathe.

im sorry to hear that, i know parents are people too and theyre not perfect, but still...

Haha, you really rock.
If it gets to that, by that point try to talk things out a little bit with her.
I don't know where you are from, how things are settled over there usually if they are ever settled at all, but having the conversation of some things simply not being okay to have been done or said to you by that point seem quite important.
Now too, bringing some things to light would be good for you.
Even if she isn't the type to listen, she can only pretend not to hear.

if i talk about that i wont be able to take care of her, she would feel betrayed since she dedicated herself to and my sister, "its would be horrible for you not to take care of me, you know how your father treated me, how i endured so much suffering right?" she said that phrase so many times

Although I understand many of the sentiments you expressed here quite well, fact remains I am ignorant of your true situation and that I already said too much.
Only you can be the judge of when things are right or not in your life.
I was mostly trying to relay that when possible, self advocation be it sooner or much much later, means a lot especially with people who have so much power over you as a person.

its okay, you didn't "talk too much" it just show that you actually cares and im very gratefull for that

Depends on which one, but seeing how so many many things concerning the mind are wide spectrums, it is very difficult to not only view the mind as a true science, but create any set of tests that doesn't end up with plenty of both false positives and of false negatives.

true, humans are a very complex being

Very, very tough one and I despise how often it happens.
See if you can find an online support group that takes up your region.
It can help you understand yourself better, vent it out some more, but also to see if anyone has had good experiences with specific professionals that you can also get the name of.

i tried to call a suicide hotline back then but its not active, i tried calling for help but they sound annoyed and tell me to call suicide hotline when it doesn't work
many, and i mean most of online support group here is revolved aroun religion and im not really comfortable with that. online support group outside my country doesnt help that much, i can only rely on this site

I feel that. If I myself was different as a person I likely wouldn't even be on this website.
Maybe at rehab, but if I was different I think I would even have made it.
Although one thing that stands is that if I was less self destructive and actually sought help, then in a decade or two I could have been fine with this life dependent of how things went.
I gave up and that is why it got worse instead of better.
You can do what you want with both your life and self-inflicted death and that is a freedom I won't stand for if it ever gets fully taken away.
But the possibility makes it easier to try.
I won't try to take away one of the rights that nature itself granted you, but if you feel like you can, I do reccomend trying to press on, even if a little longer, to make some desicions that were meant for nobody else but for you and for your own well-being, just to see how everything will play out.
I do apologise for basically spamming you.
I truly wish you the best of luck, again, no matter what you choose to do.
Much love.

thank you, i will reconsider my choice so that i can make decisions that i trully want, not because of others. it would be very hard tho, since im a child, my happiness rely on other people.
and no dont apologize for spamming me, it shows that you actually cares.
much love to you too ♥

At the moment, Im only staying alive because I know that if I eneded things it would hurt her deeply.
Ive attempted in the past but I was so far gone that I didnt care anymore.
Staying alive for others is torture.

true, i also attemped in the past but i horribly failed and its just a silly attempt so i dont know if that even counts lolol
wishing the best for you love.

 

[IDontKnowEverything]

im sorry to hear that, i know parents are people too and theyre not perfect, but still...

They aren't but you are a person too. Not even parents can ever be perfect and a lot of the time they truly do deserve to be forgiven for their mistakes, but that's usually if they are being at least decent, imperfect but decent people.
I'm not going to make any assumptions but it is very clear that your mother is hurting you much more than she should.
As you said, but still..
If you wish to forgive her and how is never going to be up to her, no matter what she ever says. Forgiveness can only be your decision or else it simply wouldn't mean anything.

she would feel betrayed since she dedicated herself to and my sister

Probably. Yet, as the people with healthy relationships say, communication is a two way street.
I don't doubt this but she's clearly doing it wrong.
I know how it is dealing with someone who won't listen but a bit unfair if she wants you to be the perfect caretaker later if she can't take her own kid giving her criticism on despite her many efforts, that she's doing some shit wrong.
I am sorry for the rant, truly. I'm just lots more sorry that this is your reality.

its would be horrible for you not to take care of me, you know how your father treated me, how i endured so much suffering right

This is a huge part of it.
Non doubt that she went through a lot but pinning that on you, making you who isn't at fault responsible, no parent should do that is the truth.
She says it a lot but it isn't an excuse. You don't deserve this.

its okay, you didn't "talk too much" it just show that you actually cares and im very gratefull for that

Haha, it is my bad but if it's a good thing then I am glad. Much love.

true, humans are a very complex being

They are. Makes understanding oneself a long journey.

i tried to call a suicide hotline back then but its not active,

Flip, for you as well? Yeah, ours aren't active either but I think I heard about other ways to do a hotline equivalent that doesn't rely on phone number and regions. A volonteer group that uses a type of software similar to Google meets? Or Discord voice chats? I don't fully remember.

many, and i mean most of online support group here is revolved aroun religion and im not really comfortable with that

Oh, that really is a problem then yeah.

i can only rely on this site

There are plenty of recourses in the recovery section that are good if anything at least distractions. Helps no matter what path you choose to take in the end.

thank you, i will reconsider my choice so that i can make decisions that i trully want, not because of others

It will be for the best. I wish you truly the best of luck.

it would be very hard tho

No doubt. You'd be a warrior either way.

since im a child, my happiness rely on other people

All young people deserve to feel loved.
But in any case congratulations on making it this far.
Your environment will change yet.

much love to you too ♥

Thank you.
Take care now.

 

[Polyxo]

I love my mother, as well. I relate to you deeply. It's just when I first revealed my suicidal thoughts to her when I was around 12, she was sobbing (understandable), but then she wailed "why would you do this to me."

I think since then I've been living for her and the rest of my family, but not for myself. It all broke down when I flunked out of college. I feel pathetic for it.

I want to CTB, but I'm going to have to leave a note for my mother especially, assuring her that my CTB was not an attack toward her and that I didn't do it out of resentment.

 

[Freebandzgang]

I love my mother, as well. I relate to you deeply. It's just when I first revealed my suicidal thoughts to her when I was around 12, she was sobbing (understandable), but then she wailed "why would you do this to me."

I think since then I've been living for her and the rest of my family, but not for myself. It all broke down when I flunked out of college. I feel pathetic for it.

I want to CTB, but I'm going to have to leave a note for my mother especially, assuring her that my CTB was not an attack toward her and that I didn't do it out of resentment.

I am shocked right now i had almost the exact same things happen to me. You are basically just stating what has happened in my life. omg