Venting I look like a fucking toddler

[Wolf Girl]

I'm so fucking embarrassed, ashamed, and upset today. Like many SaSu members, I have autism and do not take pride or joy in it. I HATE the way I am in public anymore. I try to talk to someone like a cashier or server and I just put my head down, pull on my clothes and hair, and go "um um um, sorry, um" like a fucking TODDLER and try not to cry. I hate myself so fucking much. I hate the way people perceive me. I hate that I don't understand anything.

And then I go online and see people posting shit like "I just got my eval and they said I'm not autistic. I'm absolutely crushed!" Like???????? It's not a special club, it doesn't mean you're smart or "not like other girls." Autism means you're fucking disabled by your abnormal development. I hate the autism trend among white girls.

 

[eggsalad6167]

Absolutely fucking on point. Autism is a curse, I suffer from ADD as well and it's just a debilitating cocktail.

I feel so useless in most aspects of life and it's extremely embarrassing, there's nothing good about it... No one actually wants to be this way, I refuse to believe it. Quirky maybe, autistic NO

 

[psp3000]

And then I go online and see people posting shit like "I just got my eval and they said I'm not autistic. I'm absolutely crushed!" Like???????? It's not a special club, it doesn't mean you're smart or "not like other girls." Autism means you're fucking disabled by your abnormal development.

 

[EternalShore]

People just want to feel special~ That's why they're claiming all these mental disorders and stuff that they absolutely do not want to have~ plus, you're not even allowed to complain about something unless it's like mild anxiety~ I want to be special ofc too tho~ I'm so different from others now (and even back then tbf) that it just makes it difficult to talk with and befriend others (making me more sewer slidal)~ how fun~ :/

I wish things were better for you tho, Wolf Girl~ :( the benefit of using this site is that you won't see people talking about stuff in that way~ :)

 

[Cloud Busting]

So I tend to think autistic people make the world more interesting and also tend to take a social rather than medical view of disability. When I worked at a group home the autistic nonverbals were some of my favorites.

I have noticed a new type of ableism where autism is the "good" disability because it's like a superpower. So either autistics are souls trapped in a body and need to be cured to be let out… or they're quirky wunderkind geniuses. It's almost as if society doesn't view autistics as human….

 

[WrathfulGloom32]

Don't you enjoy being looked at like you are a stupid child? your ideas being dismissed all the time and talked to like you are some sort of ticking bomb? How could you not want this life? /S

And let's not forget that your whole life leading up to adulthood was "go to school, get ostracized by other kids, go home, get ostracized online or even by your own family, repeat".

Not everyone but you can also develop second guessing yourself syndrome (idk if it exists) but basically even when I'm 100% right I still need to be told if I'm right or not by some external party. Fuck that, I tried speaking my mind in the last year or two and honestly while it still happens , at least I can get some ideas out instead of deleting 500000 paragraphs or not opening my mouth in real life.

 

[Pluto]

 

[SummertimeSadGirl]

Same. I've come to be avoidant of people in general after being looked down upon so many times.

 

[TBONTB]

I'm so fucking embarrassed, ashamed, and upset today. Like many SaSu members, I have autism and do not take pride or joy in it. I HATE the way I am in public anymore. I try to talk to someone like a cashier or server and I just put my head down, pull on my clothes and hair, and go "um um um, sorry, um" like a fucking TODDLER and try not to cry. I hate myself so fucking much. I hate the way people perceive me. I hate that I don't understand anything.

And then I go online and see people posting shit like "I just got my eval and they said I'm not autistic. I'm absolutely crushed!" Like???????? It's not a special club, it doesn't mean you're smart or "not like other girls." Autism means you're fucking disabled by your abnormal development. I hate the autism trend among white girls.

First, I am sorry for your struggles with your diagnosis. I am not autistic but have family members who are. It is a serious diagnosis.

It hurts my heart a bit to hear the self-hatred you have. I'm not sure if you can try to lessen that, but I know you are lovable

Also wanted to comment on the trend of autism being an "in" diagnosis, as if it were a cute little personality trait. I think that has happened in the last while and doesn't do a
Lot to reflect the seriousness of the condition.

I hope you feel supported here