Venting I live only for my mother. How long can I continue this?

[Sunset Limited]

My mom is 70 years old. She has health problems. I'm staying with her right now. I do my best to keep her from getting infected. 5-6 years ago, when everything was "very good", I decided to CTB. I had a job, I had money, but I had a terrible life. I don't want to continue living with such a past. Now our financial situation is also terrible. All conditions for CTB are ripe. My mom is the only thing between me and the bus. I have a sister. She can take care of my mother after I die. But my mom doesn't really want to live with her. I think CTB in June. In this case, do you think I would have done a very bad thing? I will leave her with pain that she will carry throughout his life. This is a terrible situation. I wake up by cursing the sun rising every morning. How long can I bear this?

 

[Donk]

How long can I bear this?

until you cannot

 

[jgm63]

Very sorry to hear your situation.
I don't know the answers, but I pray that you somehow find them.

 

[Blutsager]

You may bear this until she has left this world, and then you may accompany her. If not, and you decide to end it all before her... I won't judge my friend, nor will she. You are carrying a perhaps to heavy weight in your back to endure it.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If not, and you decide to end it all before her... I won't judge my friend, nor will she.

How do you know whether or not the OP's mother will judge? Have you met her?

 

[magick'sgone]

I'm in a similar boat so I know how you feel. Some days it feels like i can hang on until after they've died so as to save them from ever knowing that I ctb. Other days I know that I can't wait that long and will be forced to break their hearts. Do you get that fluctuating resolve, too? I would be leaving behind a family and just know that my departure would fuck up their whole dynamic. I can't picture them coping or moving forward in any way. ‎

 

[nothingleft]

The empathetic part of me wants to wait until my mom passes. The realistic part knows she'll probably live past one hundred. It's a matter of how long I can survive like this, utterly devoid of hope.

 

[Sunset Limited]

I'm in a similar boat so I know how you feel. Some days it feels like i can hang on until after they've died so as to save them from ever knowing that I ctb. Other days I know that I can't wait that long and will be forced to break their hearts. Do you get that fluctuating resolve, too? I would be leaving behind a family and just know that my departure would fuck up their whole dynamic. I can't picture them coping or moving forward in any way. ‎

I know really. Sometimes I feel so good. I say to myself, 'I wish I could always continue until the end if I always felt like that' Unfortunately, I cannot control it. The next day I find myself cursing everything. I wish I had a mother who never cared about me. Then I could have killed myself in joy.

 

[Oyoy]

The pressure of being an only child for me makes it officially a nightmare. All I think of is my mom when I try to end it.

 

[Suez]

Hey there. Im so sorry your in this situation. I was in almost the exact same situation myself not that long ago. I was looking after my mum who had terminal cancer. When she got so ill that she became bed bound i ended up moving in with her. I became her fulltime caregiver, feeding her, bathing her, giving her medications to her. They were very long days but i absolutely loved my mum. She meant more to me than life itself. For me i was unable to kill myself while she was still alive. My mum knew that i had been depressed for a very long time and that but not for looking after her, i probably would have committed suicide earlier. I looked after my mum until she dies. That was the promise i made to myself. Now that she is gone i feel like it is now my turn.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I'm in the exact same situation. Im only here because of my mother and I am terrified what will happen to her once i ctb because I'm sadly and only child. I'm just taking one day at a time and I have actually had lengthy conversations with her preparing her that she will probably outlive me... longevity sadly runs in my family. Part of me feels cruel I'm going to do this to her and then the other part of me says I have to put myself and my feelings first since I'm the one living this hell. I'll just keep going until I can't anymore but only for her.

 

[Genetics]

My mom is 70 years old. She has health problems. I'm staying with her right now. I do my best to keep her from getting infected. 5-6 years ago, when everything was "very good", I decided to CTB. I had a job, I had money, but I had a terrible life. I don't want to continue living with such a past. Now our financial situation is also terrible. All conditions for CTB are ripe. My mom is the only thing between me and the bus. I have a sister. She can take care of my mother after I die. But my mom doesn't really want to live with her. I think CTB in June. In this case, do you think I would have done a very bad thing? I will leave her with pain that she will carry throughout his life. This is a terrible situation. I wake up by cursing the sun rising every morning. How long can I bear this?

So sorry to hear this. I waited for my mom to die. She was in her 70's in very poor health. She died Nov 2018. You have to make that decision of timing.

I always wonder why we, cbt leaning, worry so much about what are loved ones will do when we cbt? We won't be here, they aren't going to yell at us, they can't curse us, we won't see any possible disappointment or pain because we will be on the bus to Kokomo. Yet, we do.

Now I was 11 years from now for the grand kids to be adults.

I send you love and hope you have clarity in your question.

 

[enjolras]

Things evolve fast. I could be in your shoes very soon. My mom's health (no other family) is plunging. Her epileptic ground gets worse, resisting to treatment and now experiencing side effects out of control (scary memory losses short and long term). Yesterday morning, she didn't remember her email, how to use the phone, or some actions 5 seconds ago selectively, and crying over realising the new fact. I might have to move over to take care of her unexpectedly.
I always had this issue taken into account and postponed due to it, with complete guilt of letting her behind facing old age, wanting to leave while she's sane so she can cope while rearranging a support system around. Now the dilemma reverses while getting clearer and I don't know how I will react if it turns out I pity her health state.

Back to you OP. Life teaches loving parents how to let go of their children. They have a complete picture of the hardships of life. She's prolly grateful of the attention you've handled her. I'm guessing that if your death shocks her with surprise, she will still find a way to forgive your act in the corner of her mind. Old persons carry a philosophical background with them and can understand many things with empathy. Since it's not like she will be alone, it's up to you to decide. You're not a bad person, this thread shows off. When the time comes you have to think about yourself, there's no blame to take imho. Even the sun you curse at won't take the blame when it'll die on us. There once was love and care. It takes 2 beer to remember and 3 to forget. Your mom will survive you, not in the best conditions maybe, but she'd wish you the best. A mutual understanding will last if/when you really have to give up

 

[Deathbydemo]

"Do you think I would have done a really bad thing?"

There really are no right or wrong answers to this, I'm afraid. Part of me wants to say yes, and to stick around for the sake of your mum but I also understand the pain of that may be too great to bear. Only you have the power to decide when the time is right. I hope you find the answers you are searching for.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Basically, you have to decide what would be best for her. I know that sounds counter to what a lot of answers here say, but, if it weighs this heavily on your mind, you would likely go with a lot of guilt burdening your heart and you want to go peacefully, not regretfully. That said, the decision is ultimately up to you. Sometimes our pain is so great it overcomes any sense of guilt or obligation. You must meditate upon the answers you seek and when you reach your conclusion, take action on that choice.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

You seem to be a good person. Most people only care for relatives to get inheritance. Rare to actually care for someone in this tradegy of a world.
If your mum really loves you would she want you to continue to suffer? But you also say life was very good, have you tried every step of recovery? Or just having a rough time.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

Can't really answer that question, because I'm in a similar situation. My mom is 56 and both physically and mentally ill, and she is the only reason I'm still alive (Along with my cat. May just be a pet for some, but damn that pet saved me, and I love him so much).
But yeah. What keeps me from ending it all is pretty much her. And the guilt of leaving her behind. Even tho sometimes I have the conviction that if I wasn't alive, her life would be so much better than it is. Also, I hate the idea of seeing her suffer over the death of her awful daughter.

 

[frostedreef]

My mom is 70 years old. She has health problems. I'm staying with her right now. I do my best to keep her from getting infected. 5-6 years ago, when everything was "very good", I decided to CTB. I had a job, I had money, but I had a terrible life. I don't want to continue living with such a past. Now our financial situation is also terrible. All conditions for CTB are ripe. My mom is the only thing between me and the bus. I have a sister. She can take care of my mother after I die. But my mom doesn't really want to live with her. I think CTB in June. In this case, do you think I would have done a very bad thing? I will leave her with pain that she will carry throughout his life. This is a terrible situation. I wake up by cursing the sun rising every morning. How long can I bear this?

I'm in the exact situation as yours. My aunt who raised us is 82 and lives with me. She doesn't want to be with my brother because of his wife. She prefers to be with my sister who'll just throw her into a nursing home. She's living in pain and hardly able to walk due to knee arthritis. I'm single and ironically I know her only reason for living in pain is me.

Does your mom have any clue about your plan to CTB? Mine knows my challenges in life and sometimes I give her hints about my plan. I just want to prepare her as much as I can before I leave.