I like living… vicariously

[february in alaska]

There's a common trend in everything I actually enjoy doing, which is that they allow me to detach from myself and my own life

Like, I love drawing and writing about other people and places and stories. I love playing simulation games, even life simulation games, etc. I love watching reaction videos on youtube I can find about movies/shows/video games I like, to the point where I'll go through them for hours and hours just to see someone else's experience.

I wish I could go through life on spectator mode, not really existing myself but still getting to witness all the things I love.

I wouldn't burden anyone else by being in their life or making them care about me or letting them down. I could just be nothing and never be seen or known. I wonder if I would feel differently if I actually liked myself, and if I would want to be in the spotlight or if I'd be passionate about my own life, but I doubt it

I've lived a whole life of pure escapism… at this point, I don't know anything about myself or who I actually am. I say this a lot, but I genuinely feel like an NPC. I feel like a background character going through the motions like a robot

 

[theboy]

See the good. You have hobbies and a life ahead of you (as you put it) I encourage you to keep doing things to entertain yourself.

 

[wagner2029]

You are your own measure, if it makes you happy then it's good.
Don't try to measure yourself by other people.

 

[february in alaska]

See the good. You have hobbies and a life ahead of you (as you put it) I encourage you to keep doing things to entertain yourself.

The thing is, in my real life, away from all the internet and escapism and all of it, I'm really just miserable, constantly. And it's been this way for as long as I can remember, literally even as a little kid

I appreciate what you're saying but I can't base my entire life off of escapism. It's barely living at this point

 

[theboy]

The thing is, in my real life, away from all the internet and escapism and all of it, I'm really just miserable, constantly. And it's been this way for as long as I can remember, literally even as a little kid

I appreciate what you're saying but I can't base my entire life off of escapism. It's barely living at this point

I understand that you want to escape from this world by doing things. It's like a defense mechanism of the brain, do you have something in mind to change your life a little bit?

 

[february in alaska]

I understand that you want to escape from this world by doing things. It's like a defense mechanism of the brain, do you have something in mind to change your life a little bit?

Honestly I've already got my SN and a plan to leave by April, so I'm not really looking to change at this point.

Sorry if that's blunt— I'm not really in a place where people can give me advice, no matter how good it might be :')

You are your own measure, if it makes you happy then it's good.
Don't try to measure yourself by other people.

This is a nice thought. I just wish the world/society wasn't built around one "good" way to be. It feels like objectively, I've already lost lol

 

[theboy]

Honestly I've already got my SN and a plan to leave by April, so I'm not really looking to change at this point.

Sorry if that's blunt— I'm not really in a place where people can give me advice, no matter how good it might be :')

This is a nice thought. I just wish the world/society wasn't built around one "good" way to be. It feels like objectively, I've already lost lol

Don't worry. I hope you find peace in so much torment.

 

[devin44]

Honestly I've already got my SN and a plan to leave by April, so I'm not really looking to change at this point.

Sorry if that's blunt— I'm not really in a place where people can give me advice, no matter how good it might be :')

This is a nice thought. I just wish the world/society wasn't built around one "good" way to be. It feels like objectively, I've already lost lol

Can I just double check that you've tried therapy and medication? They can genuinely work wonders, the brain is very plastic.

 

[february in alaska]

Can I just double check that you've tried therapy and medication? They can genuinely work wonders, the brain is very plastic.

I've gone to a few therapy sessions, never worked simply because I have no intention of letting my walls down and really putting in the effort-- although I think it could probably be extremely helpful for people who actually want to!

I was also on sertraline up until about ten months ago. When I first started it really felt like I'd been "cured", but (about ten months ago) it suddenly stopped one day, completely, for no apparent reason. I realize the obvious solution would be to talk to my psychiatrist and explain and start trying out new antidepressants... but I just feel like I'm past that point. It feels like a lot of effort, and I'm tired.

I really do appreciate you suggesting them though, I'm definitely not anti recovery for others

 

[devin44]

I've gone to a few therapy sessions, never worked simply because I have no intention of letting my walls down and really putting in the effort-- although I think it could probably be extremely helpful for people who actually want to!

I was also on sertraline up until about ten months ago. When I first started it really felt like I'd been "cured", but (about ten months ago) it suddenly stopped one day, completely, for no apparent reason. I realize the obvious solution would be to talk to my psychiatrist and explain and start trying out new antidepressants... but I just feel like I'm past that point. It feels like a lot of effort, and I'm tired.

I really do appreciate you suggesting them though, I'm definitely not anti recovery for others

As someone who's attempted before, I'd ask you just to think about retrying therapy if you can afford it, just as a 'why not' if nothing else. Bluntly, there's always time to die later if nothing truly works. But I just think, having worked in mental health as well, that I've seen one or two too many transformations to let anyone write themselves off too soon, and I think that being an NPC is a (horrible) feeling rather than a reality. One thing that's worked a bit for me: pick a corner of the world and try to make it a little bit better.

More than anything else I'd just like to say I hear your pain and I'm sorry it sucks so much, I give a fuck. :)