I had everything planned out, I bought SN from DMC which was sure to kill me, I even took anti-emetics so I don't vomit it out, and I even bought Propanolol to help potentiate it, but I chickened out at the last minute and notified my family.
I fell for the trap once again, I fell for the exact same trap 2 years ago, I had an assured method of leaving this damned earth but I let my primal survival instinct win over me, and mainly it was for the love of my family.
I study abroad and I even took the risk of traveling with that substance so I can die at peace at home so I can spare my family additional pain and effort.
Since then (It has been 17 days), I have locked myself in my room, unable to do anything, I flipped my sleeping schedule so I only get like 3 hours of sleep during the afternoon and I stay awake all night so I can avoid my family and maybe eat something while they are asleep.
But guess what happened just two days after my attempt, my mom came up to me and said "When's your flight back?", dude like what? And she literally told me if I had booked a flight or not? My life was almost over like 48 hours ago and you ask me this question? Even my middle sister did the same.
A week afterwards, my dad came up to my room telling me that the money transfer (He gives me a small sum of 300$ every month so I can help myself up a bit, he is capable of more and it is just a thing that he does, I don't really care that's not my point) has been blocked by his bank and that they need a new uni certificate for 2025 so they can allow the transfer, I was enraged after him telling me this and he kept on insisting and asking other questions, like "What are you going to do with the money you still have in your bank abroad"; I broke the silence and I basically shouted "You are doing all this for 300 bucks, have some shame" after that he was left silenced and left my room.
That same day I noticed my older sister was gone, but I had a feeling it was just a vacation, and guess what IT WAS A VACATION, she took a vacation in the midst of all this, which is like fine for me, still a bit disrespectful but fine maybe she just wanted some fresh air, at this point everything they did I kinda forgave them for it.
But yesterday, my sister was back from her holiday vacation whatever, and guess what? You would never guess what happened, they bought a brand new VW car for her, mind you this is not a regular occurrence for them, last time they bought a car was 13 years ago and it was a third of the price of this one.
I knew that because basically my older sister came up to my room while I was asleep and brought me food or whatever and told me that they brought a new car, I was dumbfounded, I usually don't even answer anyone talking to me, I don't know how I got up and went downstairs to see the car, and she was like "Oh it's the blahblahblah edition, it has a sliding roof, you must help me with the Carplay setup, at that moment I flicked a switch, rage filled my conscious.
Even my father came up to me again saying what are you doing now with your life just locked in this room, you don't wanna study anymore???, We've paid for you to go study 3 years in a row now (Even mentioned the first year of study which I failed).
So these are the people I have been caring about all along? These are the people I have been so considerate towards them that I even traveled with an illegal substance just so my death isn't as gory or bloody to them so I can save them from trauma ? Right.
Now, I don't care, my next attempt will be as brute as possible, as raw as possible, I wouldn't care if I get hit by a train now, I would rather have them see me with my head popped off with brain matter all over it, I would jump off the highest cliff and fucking arrange to send them the footage, they deserve it; and it is not going to be long before I plan my suicide again.
I fell for the trap once again, I fell for the exact same trap 2 years ago, I had an assured method of leaving this damned earth but I let my primal survival instinct win over me, and mainly it was for the love of my family.
I study abroad and I even took the risk of traveling with that substance so I can die at peace at home so I can spare my family additional pain and effort.
Since then (It has been 17 days), I have locked myself in my room, unable to do anything, I flipped my sleeping schedule so I only get like 3 hours of sleep during the afternoon and I stay awake all night so I can avoid my family and maybe eat something while they are asleep.
But guess what happened just two days after my attempt, my mom came up to me and said "When's your flight back?", dude like what? And she literally told me if I had booked a flight or not? My life was almost over like 48 hours ago and you ask me this question? Even my middle sister did the same.
A week afterwards, my dad came up to my room telling me that the money transfer (He gives me a small sum of 300$ every month so I can help myself up a bit, he is capable of more and it is just a thing that he does, I don't really care that's not my point) has been blocked by his bank and that they need a new uni certificate for 2025 so they can allow the transfer, I was enraged after him telling me this and he kept on insisting and asking other questions, like "What are you going to do with the money you still have in your bank abroad"; I broke the silence and I basically shouted "You are doing all this for 300 bucks, have some shame" after that he was left silenced and left my room.
That same day I noticed my older sister was gone, but I had a feeling it was just a vacation, and guess what IT WAS A VACATION, she took a vacation in the midst of all this, which is like fine for me, still a bit disrespectful but fine maybe she just wanted some fresh air, at this point everything they did I kinda forgave them for it.
But yesterday, my sister was back from her holiday vacation whatever, and guess what? You would never guess what happened, they bought a brand new VW car for her, mind you this is not a regular occurrence for them, last time they bought a car was 13 years ago and it was a third of the price of this one.
I knew that because basically my older sister came up to my room while I was asleep and brought me food or whatever and told me that they brought a new car, I was dumbfounded, I usually don't even answer anyone talking to me, I don't know how I got up and went downstairs to see the car, and she was like "Oh it's the blahblahblah edition, it has a sliding roof, you must help me with the Carplay setup, at that moment I flicked a switch, rage filled my conscious.
Even my father came up to me again saying what are you doing now with your life just locked in this room, you don't wanna study anymore???, We've paid for you to go study 3 years in a row now (Even mentioned the first year of study which I failed).
So these are the people I have been caring about all along? These are the people I have been so considerate towards them that I even traveled with an illegal substance just so my death isn't as gory or bloody to them so I can save them from trauma ? Right.
Now, I don't care, my next attempt will be as brute as possible, as raw as possible, I wouldn't care if I get hit by a train now, I would rather have them see me with my head popped off with brain matter all over it, I would jump off the highest cliff and fucking arrange to send them the footage, they deserve it; and it is not going to be long before I plan my suicide again.
