I lack care for my own existence

[bl33ding_heart]

At this point in my life I feel like I don't care whether I live or die. I don't have the desire to die, I want to get better and I want to live. But if I were to slip and fall off a bridge I wouldn't exactly be complaining in my final moments. I may have a very serious life threatening illness, but I honestly just don't have the energy to care. I have such dissatisfaction with my life I don't even care enough to go to a doctor and get checked. I'm not really suffering, but I'm not feeling joy and fulfilment either. There's no strong emotions making me wanna live or making it hard for me to die, and that's the problem. Because of this I just genuinely don't care if I die. I don't have the energy to go out of my way and go through with the act of dying, but I don't have the energy to keep going on as I currently am either. Lack of suffering and joy puts me in a weird predicament.

 

[webb&flow]

<3<3 i'm sorry to hear this heart…… feel free to add which condition if you wish as well…

what are you experiencing rn?

 

[mutsu]

i feel you so hard,,, i feel like im drifting through life not necessarily wanting it to end but i wouldn't mind if it did. i keep hoping ill get better but it seems like i just keep getting worse

youre not alone

 

[bl33ding_heart]

<3<3 i'm sorry to hear this heart…… feel free to add which condition if you wish as well…

what are you experiencing rn?

I may or may not have some type of cancer. It runs in my family and I have a lot of the typical signs. I considered going to get my blood work done but I don't have the energy for anything anymore. And I don't feel the need to even care.

 

[Grasp of darkness]

What you're experiencing is a defense mechanism to keep your mind calmer. You know that it will be difficult to try in life again, even without a serious illness but even more so with it. That's why you're mind makes you put it aside, that way you are less overwhelmed in the moment.
Whether or not it is a good mechanism is something else. I have been there before that I just didn't want anything anymore and nothing could console me really, so i won't try. I wish you ease in this troubling moment and hope the cancer isn't as bad as you expect.