thaelyana
peace, love
- Jun 28, 2025
- 102
Sometimes I feel, in a strange but deep way, that if I were to die one day, it would be by suicide. Not because I really want it, nor because I've chosen it… but because I would break down in a moment of panic or emptiness.
I know it wouldn't be a thoughtful decision. I'm someone too clear-headed, too aware of the consequences. I couldn't plan something so final, because deep down, I would know it would be a mistake. It would be an impulsive reaction, not a real will.
What scares me the most is precisely that: losing control on a day when everything becomes too heavy. Doing something irreversible in a moment of temporary suffering. Dying when I'm not ready — neither in my mind nor in my body.
I'm also afraid of what it could cause around me. Especially for my little sister. We are very close, we love each other so much. I know that if I were to disappear, she wouldn't recover. It's such a strong bond that it often holds me back, even in the worst moments.
This paradox follows me all the time: I can feel really bad for a while… then a few hours later, everything calms down. And sometimes, even, my life improves. It's a cycle. I've lived through this many times. I see it in hindsight:
At 15, I wanted to end it. And today, I realize that if I had done it, I would have wasted a life that, over time, turned out to be far less terrible than I thought.
And that's why I'm afraid of a misstep, of a moment that's too intense. I'm afraid of not dying right away, of surviving half-alive, disabled, or slipping into terrible anguish. That would be an unfair, absurd, painful end.
But despite all that, I keep going. Because even when I hit rock bottom, there's always a lull. And often, a little more light. I've already been through the worst, and I know that my life, slowly, is getting better.
So no, I don't want to die. I just want the pain to pass. And sometimes, I simply hold on to this truth: I am still here.
Sorry if the text is not understandable, I translated it .
I know it wouldn't be a thoughtful decision. I'm someone too clear-headed, too aware of the consequences. I couldn't plan something so final, because deep down, I would know it would be a mistake. It would be an impulsive reaction, not a real will.
What scares me the most is precisely that: losing control on a day when everything becomes too heavy. Doing something irreversible in a moment of temporary suffering. Dying when I'm not ready — neither in my mind nor in my body.
I'm also afraid of what it could cause around me. Especially for my little sister. We are very close, we love each other so much. I know that if I were to disappear, she wouldn't recover. It's such a strong bond that it often holds me back, even in the worst moments.
This paradox follows me all the time: I can feel really bad for a while… then a few hours later, everything calms down. And sometimes, even, my life improves. It's a cycle. I've lived through this many times. I see it in hindsight:
At 15, I wanted to end it. And today, I realize that if I had done it, I would have wasted a life that, over time, turned out to be far less terrible than I thought.
And that's why I'm afraid of a misstep, of a moment that's too intense. I'm afraid of not dying right away, of surviving half-alive, disabled, or slipping into terrible anguish. That would be an unfair, absurd, painful end.
But despite all that, I keep going. Because even when I hit rock bottom, there's always a lull. And often, a little more light. I've already been through the worst, and I know that my life, slowly, is getting better.
So no, I don't want to die. I just want the pain to pass. And sometimes, I simply hold on to this truth: I am still here.
Sorry if the text is not understandable, I translated it .
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