I knew I would die by suicide when I was fourteen

[Xta4Love]

I just knew.

My depressions started in my early teens. I was very shy, very socially awkward, bad at P.E, but also really smart and sensitive.

I led a pretty normal life till age 21. That is when I got repeatedly hospitalized for psychiatric illness. My life was in and out of hospitals. A lot of suffering.

Im 37 now. Im unmarried, no kids, no relationship, no work, no future. My illness prevented all that. I got addicted too. Alcohol, shopping, vaping, spending crazy amounts of money, social media, oxazepam, diazepam.

My physical health is bad. I gained a lot of weight. Im obese. I never exercise. I dont leave the house. Im too depressed and anxious. Im always out of breath, tired, dizzy, weak.

I dunno how to go on from here. Im isolated. Most people dont understand prolonged severe mental illness. Let alone addiction. So they walk away. In this society people believe everything is a choice and anything can be overcome.

I did my fair share of therapy but it was never effective. I really tried. I read a lot too.

It is a miracle im still alive. So yeah, I will die by suicide. I have no doubt. I already knew that a long time ago.

 

[hearball]

sad as hell .

 

[Eventually_An_Angel]

i dont think you know that yet. you didnt know that at the time and you dont know it now. its always just guesswork until it happens

 

[LunarLight]

I'm sorry life brought you to this point. Do you happen to have a chosen method yet?

 

[FuneralCry]

It really does sound like you've suffered a lot, I understand why you'd feel tired, I hope you find peace.

 

[TAW122]

I can relate to a lot of things, and I'm just a few years younger than you are, in my 30's as well. I know it is likely I will CTB, but dependent on time and circumstance of course. Anyways, I'm sorry to hear about that and I wish you peace in whatever you choose to do.