I keep thinking that a dead daughter is better than a living one

[nonliv]

I'm just passively suicidal, taking more sleeping pills than usual and shit like that. Due to reasons regarding ocd and contamination I can't visit my mom without feeling extreme discomfort. I was thinking all day of ways to meet up with her without me feeling like shit and I couldn't come up with anything. She pats for my rent, my food. I'm planing to move out soon but I just feel awful. She spends too much money on me and I can't even be there in person with her. I think in the long run, being dead would be better. I'm sure she would be sad, but there wouldn't be anymore bullshit for her to deal with. I feel like a person destined to end my life someday. I just need to work and pay off my debt to her and then leave this place. Sure I'm running away from problems, but facing them sounds worse than dying. I wish someone else would take my place, maybe if I had a sibling things would be better. My mom deserves much better than a child who can't get over themselves and just get better. She deserves the world, I love her so much

 

[tonicer]

How old is your mom? Mine is almost 80 so she has only 10 or so years left. I want to die too but i can't do it while she is still alive, it would break her heart and i don't want to do anything that harms her in any way. She is an amazing mother and woman. My mother also deserves a better son than i am. I am 43 soon and i am a KHHV without a job. I'm a parasite yet she still loves me that shows just how amazing she really is. Your mom sounds kinda like my mom. I think we both have to survive long enough somehow so our mothers don't have to bury us. It's the least we can do to show our love our mothers.

 

[h i]

parents of a person are truly the ones who never move on from ones suicide, trust me, just think of the joy and tears of happiness your mom had when you were born.
:(

 

[SASU-KE]

Aww,you're a good child to your mom OP.Don't doubt that.You're struggling terribly because of reasons beyond your control.

Parents accept all these things when they decide to have us. There's no need to feel bad or guilty about being here.You're here because of her choice to have you and there's no need for any guilt in accepting her help.It's her duty and responsibility.


I hope things get better for you and you one day show her how awesome you can be.