i keep postponing ctb, head is a mess

[nowizard]

i've been postponing ctb this year WAY too often. bfyr, i'm supposed to ctb tonight/early morning of tomorrow. i have a fully fleshed out plan, i have the full and ready mindset for it, but these little things keep getting in the way of it. like,, i decided to properly fast before ctb (to avoid...unpleasant results post ctb) but my mother made us all get takeout and she's already been suspicious of my ED so i ended up eating. i could just do it despite having food in my system, but if i don't properly follow the points of my plan, i feel like it's doomed to fail.
plus, i recently sent a birthday gift for my long distance best friend, but their birthday is in the beginning of september, i'd maybe like to see their reaction, but at the same time i don't care? it's messy
i've planned my ctb so that it doesn't happen during my period, because i don't want people to think my mental illness mixed with period made me impulsive or something, does that make sense? f i postpone it AGAIN i'll have to wait until around sept 10th, but that's around the time school starts where i live, and i don't want to ruin it for my little sister since she's starting 2nd grade.
at the same time i'm thinking, fuck it, what happens, happens, i shouldn't worry about the little stuff, but they seem important. i'm scared that if i hold off on it too long, i'll lose my courage. i can't go back to living, i've ruined my life already.

i just feel like a such fraud being on here, and not properly going through with it. i wish it was easier.

 

[ctb_warrior]

It alright my friend.. There's nothing wrong in it..some part of you wants to live more that's why you are unconsciously doing this.
Don't be too harsh on yourself.. you can ctb anytime you want as you've all things ready
So, may be live a bit more till your heart and mind wants you to live. You are not being a fraud here.. life and death is no joke.. even the most desperate ppl fear to execute it

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I've postponed my plans to kill myself so many times and for so many different reasons so I get it. While a part of me will always want to die, a part of me wants to live still and that is probably true for you as well. There's no need to rush this or feel bad for not having done so. When the time is right, you will know and your plans won't fail if you planned them out properly. I can only hope the same is true for me, because at the moment I don't actually have a plan or a good method yet. Part of me still wants to live because I enjoy creative writing still, I enjoy drinking whiskey, and playing video games.

The time for me hasn't come yet but I know it will eventually and the same will be true for you too. I agree with ctb_warrior, you're not a fraud, you just have reasons for wanting to live still and that's okay. I also wanted to add that suicide takes a lot of courage to go through with it, because it's not cowardly to do it at all despite what some people might say. I also think it's equally courageous to choose to live too, it's just a matter of a person deciding what's best for them.

 

[ctb_warrior]

I've postponed my plans to kill myself so many times and for so many different reasons so I get it. While a part of me will always want to die, a part of me wants to live still and that is probably true for you as well. There's no need to rush this or feel bad for not having done so. When the time is right, you will know and your plans won't fail if you planned them out properly. I can only hope the same is true for me, because at the moment I don't actually have a plan or a good method yet. Part of me still wants to live because I enjoy creative writing still, I enjoy drinking whiskey, and playing video games.

The time for me hasn't come yet but I know it will eventually and the same will be true for you too. I agree with ctb_warrior, you're not a fraud, you just have reasons for wanting to live still and that's okay. I also wanted to add that suicide takes a lot of courage to go through with it, because it's not cowardly to do it at all despite what some people might say. I also think it's equally courageous to choose to live too, it's just a matter of a person deciding what's best for them.

Beautifully expressed