Venting I keep making excuses and hate myself for it

[ringo99]

I don't understand myself. I was so clearheaded and rational last year about wanting to ctb. Bought my SN, downloaded a copy of Stan's guide before it was removed, insurance filled out with my mom as the beneficiary, saw my fav nephew and niece grow into wonderful kids and closed out all my outstanding financial obligations. My mom's surgery is done and fully paid for and she's on the road to recovery. She'll be up and about next month. No wife, no kids, no real commitments to speak of. I can even get all the medications I need prior to ctb since my country is pretty loosey goosey when it comes to regulating drugs. Everything's almost in place to check out of this shitty motel called life.

So why am I making excuses for myself and keep delaying? I've got these stupid thoughts getting in the way: "do one more certification, this will be the one to change your life and get you that dream job", "wait for the masters of the air finale", "you haven't taken care of a pet and it's always been your dream".

God I hate my brain so much right now. Does anyone else feel this way? How do I stop myself from having these thoughts? They're just prolonging my pain and I can't stop them

 

[UKscotty]

Very very few people actually follow through and CTB. I think the vast majority of us are holding out for hope and recovery.

Only once we are truly ready and all alternatives have failed will we be ready to CTB. I guess that's why it's called the last resort.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

ctb is a stressful decision.

It's human nature to put off making such decisions if you know you can for a while. It can sometimes be easier to ignore a problem and distract yourself, than tackling it head on. (unless you are in severe pain/distress, in which case it cannot be ignored)

Only you know if you have anything worth sticking around for. You have to assess your life honestly with very clear eyes, and decide what makes the most logical sense for you.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's kinda SI that works against fully rational decisions. Maybe - I don't know your personal situation - there is really a little glimmer of hope left inside you. That makes it even harder to CTB.

 

[bobblong]

Insurance? I remember those have suicide clause . Hm , they can wriggle their way out of paying ur mom.

 

[ringo99]

Insurance? I remember those have suicide clause . Hm , they can wriggle their way out of paying ur mom.

No it's only for a year. After that even suicides have to be paid out to your nominee. I've been paying into it for over a decade now so I won't have a problem. It's a tidy sum and along with her own savings should be enough to take care of her for the next 15-20 years

It's kinda SI that works against fully rational decisions. Maybe - I don't know your personal situation - there is really a little glimmer of hope left inside you. That makes it even harder to CTB.

It's false hope. I've been here before several times, where I make a decision to change my life for the better, fail and end up feeling much worse with more time gone by and my mom less able to manage on her own. The rational part of my mind knows this but these thoughts keep fucking with my brain a lot more now that I'm close to ending it.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

SI is irrational and scary and works irrespective of your thoughts or how certain you are with dying