AngelTear
Dead before 30
- Oct 27, 2025
- 18
So for some back story my mom has delusions and her delusions have only increased and frequency and gotten worse. Yesterday (I can't even remember yesterday time blurs so much for me) she had a meltdown, was screaming then crying about her usual beliefs about us, her family, not being hers, us being clones, someone who attached her to a life that's not hers, that she needs to get back to her right area, back to her life... tbh she's not a mom to me anymore (not that she ever really was, she's always been too emotionally distant to be a mother) and she creeps me out and make me feel uncomfortable and very unsafe. She is also the main caretaker for my disabled dad too and a few months ago lost her job combined with the fact I'm unemployed and been struggling to get employed for years at this point. On top of that, she's so apathetic and unwilling to get help and better herself that we actively suffer (both of my parents are like that but this is about my mom.) Also my dad does pester her a lot, I know he's disabled and needs full time care but also he does not know when to leave people the fuck alone, me included. I did write a more extensive post about my situation but I accidentally made that thread private 
Anyways, that aside, I woke up in a fright and I still feel scared and anxious. I swear I hear her screaming at my dad but I couldn't tell what she was saying but I knew it was her voice. I immediately went to the top of the stairs to listen and she does sound angry from the little talking of her I heard. I don't know what happened I just know I feel extremely uncomfortable and I TIRED of living in this absolute mess constantly. Like I want to die yes but I also want to feel some sort of safety before I do but I guess it's just too much to ask for, it always seems I ask for too much. My family and living situation are tremendous stress onto me (I know they're stressed too but damn it's so dysfunctional and NO ONE ever tries to do anything to be better or get help and we're completely isolated too.) I almost feel like I'm going be sick from the amount of nerves I'm feeling right now, I'm shaking too. I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE. However due to HAVING NO FUNDS OR TRANSPORTATION OR ANYWHERE SAFE TO BE, I'm trapped here in his Hellish mess that I have no control over and that I can't clean up.
(Side note: As early back I can remember my mom having abnormal thinking. Whenever something went wrong it could never be her fault or something reasonable, it was always some conspiratorial thing that people were doing. The most recent example of this is her food card not working then her blaming "people in the back" messing with her card so she's never been rational ever. Stress obviously makes anyone worse and she is no different however she refuses to actually try and get help or make things better for herself and others and at this point I think she's sabotaging me too. I don't think she can take accountability and everyday more and more I wish I actually had a real family...)
Gosh I'm so scared right now, so hopeless. I wish I had a way out of this house and away from them. I wish I had a genie or a fairy godmother to grant my wish and put me somewhere safe and warm with food to eat or just give me a gun to blow my brains out with. I wish my friends had space for me. I wish there were better government benefits and protections for this kind of thing. I wish someone actually understood and stop telling me to just chin up. I wish, I wish, I wish...and there's never any help for me. I'm lost myself and I don't know what to do besides end it all to escape this bullshit environment. At this rate I will never make it to my 25th birthday (which isn't even significant due to my fuckass family being Jehovah's Witnesses and not celebrating birthdays) all because I have crappy parents who really SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TWO KIDS, a shit world, poor mental health, and just everything is truly against me even myself.
Anyways, that aside, I woke up in a fright and I still feel scared and anxious. I swear I hear her screaming at my dad but I couldn't tell what she was saying but I knew it was her voice. I immediately went to the top of the stairs to listen and she does sound angry from the little talking of her I heard. I don't know what happened I just know I feel extremely uncomfortable and I TIRED of living in this absolute mess constantly. Like I want to die yes but I also want to feel some sort of safety before I do but I guess it's just too much to ask for, it always seems I ask for too much. My family and living situation are tremendous stress onto me (I know they're stressed too but damn it's so dysfunctional and NO ONE ever tries to do anything to be better or get help and we're completely isolated too.) I almost feel like I'm going be sick from the amount of nerves I'm feeling right now, I'm shaking too. I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE. However due to HAVING NO FUNDS OR TRANSPORTATION OR ANYWHERE SAFE TO BE, I'm trapped here in his Hellish mess that I have no control over and that I can't clean up.
(Side note: As early back I can remember my mom having abnormal thinking. Whenever something went wrong it could never be her fault or something reasonable, it was always some conspiratorial thing that people were doing. The most recent example of this is her food card not working then her blaming "people in the back" messing with her card so she's never been rational ever. Stress obviously makes anyone worse and she is no different however she refuses to actually try and get help or make things better for herself and others and at this point I think she's sabotaging me too. I don't think she can take accountability and everyday more and more I wish I actually had a real family...)
Gosh I'm so scared right now, so hopeless. I wish I had a way out of this house and away from them. I wish I had a genie or a fairy godmother to grant my wish and put me somewhere safe and warm with food to eat or just give me a gun to blow my brains out with. I wish my friends had space for me. I wish there were better government benefits and protections for this kind of thing. I wish someone actually understood and stop telling me to just chin up. I wish, I wish, I wish...and there's never any help for me. I'm lost myself and I don't know what to do besides end it all to escape this bullshit environment. At this rate I will never make it to my 25th birthday (which isn't even significant due to my fuckass family being Jehovah's Witnesses and not celebrating birthdays) all because I have crappy parents who really SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TWO KIDS, a shit world, poor mental health, and just everything is truly against me even myself.
