NaturalBornNEET
知らないわ 周りのことなど 私は私 それだけ
- Feb 22, 2022
- 250
I just had my first bad trip on DMT. All my pscyedelic experiences hitherto have never involved the whole "delving into your trauma" aspect, they've been very impersonal and universal. Until the DMT trip just now!
I'm not really going to delve into the content of the bad trip because it would take too long to explain, unless you guys want me to make a separate thread on that (I would be curious to see how relatable my trauma is), but instead I'd rather try to capture one of the lessons I learned from this, that being the nature of hell.
From what i now understand:
1. All we perceive are symbols; whether it be a tree, rottweiler, your spouse, shoes, red, a police officer, and even abstract concepts like nature or love.
2. These symbols, whether we are consious of it or not, carry unfathomably significant weight, emotional weight, existential weight. They are a symbol but also the thing they are symbolising, and they're connected to each other and operate in ways the every-day human mind cannot see, which can lead to deep suffering and catastrophe
3. If a symbol holds a negative meaning for you but you try to ignore it by pushing it deep into the subconscious (so you still perceive the object but don't perceive its symbolic significance), this will cause it to fester and eventually and inevitably erupt back into the conscious realm with a vengeance
I need to go vegan, once and for all, unequivocally and unwaveringly. I deeply intuit I will go to hell if I don't. I say go to hell but hell is already here, it's just buried deep into my subconsious and manifests subtly as chronic self hate shame and depression. But when I stripped the barriers of my mind just before with DMT it allowed me to drown in this ubiquitous hell with no protection. I genuinely wonder what will happen then come my phyaical death, considering the mind also slowly dissolves during then too, could I get locked in those few seconds of dying in a subjective experience of pure unfiltered and mind manifested hell where time dilates to feel eternal?
I've always believed in veganism as a philosophy, but my will is feeble and my empathy isn't strong enough to have that alone be my guiding torch. And the thing that's always bothered me is realising any desire I've had to be vegan, or to do anything virtuous, ultimately comes out of a self serving mechanism of the mind, I've never been able to escape this. But now I understand that this self service isn't a bug but a feature. I should be virtuous just out of the fact that I intrinsically view being unvirtuous as bad symbolically, and if I ignore that I will eventually have to reckon with it.
The bad trip I had didn't even involve any vegan content, this is just a lesson I'm trying to extrapolate from it. My trip was extremely personal, too personal. It unearthed childhood trauma I didn't even realise was childhood trauma and then this trauma and fear became an existential coffin that my mind was trapped in. Genuinely the most terrifying experience I've ever and I think will ever have. I could write in a separate thread the contnet of this revelatory trauma but honestly some of you may even laugh at it, it was so peculiar and unexpected, but now I know exactly what I have to do.
Oh another note, I'm very emotional rn and I just realised the whole veganism rant mightve came off as preachy. This is a completely personal thing, I realise now how personal symbolic meaning can be, and what I can know for sure is that this IS a meaningful and deeply consequential matter for ME. In theory if I didn't view the meat on my plate and the knowledge of where it came from as an unjust and grusuem thing then it would not be an unjust and grusuem thing. But also you can't just go off how you view something superficially, since there's so much subconsious activity at play.
I'm not really going to delve into the content of the bad trip because it would take too long to explain, unless you guys want me to make a separate thread on that (I would be curious to see how relatable my trauma is), but instead I'd rather try to capture one of the lessons I learned from this, that being the nature of hell.
From what i now understand:
1. All we perceive are symbols; whether it be a tree, rottweiler, your spouse, shoes, red, a police officer, and even abstract concepts like nature or love.
2. These symbols, whether we are consious of it or not, carry unfathomably significant weight, emotional weight, existential weight. They are a symbol but also the thing they are symbolising, and they're connected to each other and operate in ways the every-day human mind cannot see, which can lead to deep suffering and catastrophe
3. If a symbol holds a negative meaning for you but you try to ignore it by pushing it deep into the subconscious (so you still perceive the object but don't perceive its symbolic significance), this will cause it to fester and eventually and inevitably erupt back into the conscious realm with a vengeance
I need to go vegan, once and for all, unequivocally and unwaveringly. I deeply intuit I will go to hell if I don't. I say go to hell but hell is already here, it's just buried deep into my subconsious and manifests subtly as chronic self hate shame and depression. But when I stripped the barriers of my mind just before with DMT it allowed me to drown in this ubiquitous hell with no protection. I genuinely wonder what will happen then come my phyaical death, considering the mind also slowly dissolves during then too, could I get locked in those few seconds of dying in a subjective experience of pure unfiltered and mind manifested hell where time dilates to feel eternal?
I've always believed in veganism as a philosophy, but my will is feeble and my empathy isn't strong enough to have that alone be my guiding torch. And the thing that's always bothered me is realising any desire I've had to be vegan, or to do anything virtuous, ultimately comes out of a self serving mechanism of the mind, I've never been able to escape this. But now I understand that this self service isn't a bug but a feature. I should be virtuous just out of the fact that I intrinsically view being unvirtuous as bad symbolically, and if I ignore that I will eventually have to reckon with it.
The bad trip I had didn't even involve any vegan content, this is just a lesson I'm trying to extrapolate from it. My trip was extremely personal, too personal. It unearthed childhood trauma I didn't even realise was childhood trauma and then this trauma and fear became an existential coffin that my mind was trapped in. Genuinely the most terrifying experience I've ever and I think will ever have. I could write in a separate thread the contnet of this revelatory trauma but honestly some of you may even laugh at it, it was so peculiar and unexpected, but now I know exactly what I have to do.
Oh another note, I'm very emotional rn and I just realised the whole veganism rant mightve came off as preachy. This is a completely personal thing, I realise now how personal symbolic meaning can be, and what I can know for sure is that this IS a meaningful and deeply consequential matter for ME. In theory if I didn't view the meat on my plate and the knowledge of where it came from as an unjust and grusuem thing then it would not be an unjust and grusuem thing. But also you can't just go off how you view something superficially, since there's so much subconsious activity at play.
