Venting I just want to get taken care of

[toxicjester]

This is all stupid bullshit rambling from a dumbass but I want to let it out somehow, I'll try to not have this be a recurring thing on places like this so I don't be annoying :(

I dunno, I'm tired and I feel like I try my best but that it's never enough for anyone

My gf keeps saying that she wishes her attempt didn't fail and that she can't stay out of guilt

I feel like I'm living for her but I'm not good enough for her to live for me, it's stupid and selfish but that's what it feels like

I just want to get taken care of but anytime I indulge even a little bad stuff happens

I can't even go downstairs to get food for just myself because bad stuff happens and I'm too scared to do that

Doing anything for just myself is scary and bad but then my gf gets upset because I need to take care of myself first before I can help her :(

I just want to have my mama and I'm feeling age regression stuff I guess and it's fucking g stupid but I just feel like a little seal stuck in a storm calling for mama but she can't help me :(

And I saw art of a seal passing and being an Angel and then its friends being confused and it made me bawl my eyes out

I just want mama

 

[emptinessdancing]

This is all stupid bullshit rambling from a dumbass but I want to let it out somehow, I'll try to not have this be a recurring thing on places like this so I don't be annoying :(

I dunno, I'm tired and I feel like I try my best but that it's never enough for anyone

My gf keeps saying that she wishes her attempt didn't fail and that she can't stay out of guilt

I feel like I'm living for her but I'm not good enough for her to live for me, it's stupid and selfish but that's what it feels like

I just want to get taken care of but anytime I indulge even a little bad stuff happens

I can't even go downstairs to get food for just myself because bad stuff happens and I'm too scared to do that

Doing anything for just myself is scary and bad but then my gf gets upset because I need to take care of myself first before I can help her :(

I just want to have my mama and I'm feeling age regression stuff I guess and it's fucking g stupid but I just feel like a little seal stuck in a storm calling for mama but she can't help me :(

And I saw art of a seal passing and being an Angel and then its friends being confused and it made me bawl my eyes out

I just want mama

Dang, to be honest with you... I don't know exactly what to say. Except. I have felt a lot of the same things as you are before. Even right now. Not in the same context, but the resulting feeling seems to be the same, nonetheless. Except I would never reach out to my mother LMAO, but I digress. A motherly figure would be nice sometimes after I have spent my entire life taking care of myself and then straight from that to taking care of everyone else. I know this is something that can be reversed. It takes maybe a lifetime of work, but it can be worked toward. Anyway, I don't know what I am trying to say other than, I see you. I hear you. You are not alone. I hope you are able to mother yourself in a whatever you needed most, should you find you have the capacity for that.

 

[toxicjester]

Dang, to be honest with you... I don't know exactly what to say. Except. I have felt a lot of the same things as you are before. Even right now. Not in the same context, but the resulting feeling seems to be the same, nonetheless. Except I would never reach out to my mother LMAO, but I digress. A motherly figure would be nice sometimes after I have spent my entire life taking care of myself and then straight from that to taking care of everyone else. I know this is something that can be reversed. It takes maybe a lifetime of work, but it can be worked toward. Anyway, I don't know what I am trying to say other than, I see you. I hear you. You are not alone. I hope you are able to mother yourself in a whatever you needed most, should you find you have the capacity for that.

I appreciate your words, sorry if my words are weird or anything

When I talk about "mama" it's more of an idea, never about my actual mom cause I know she's not motherly like that lol

I don't have the strength or the means to ctb and it'd especially be selfish considering my circumstances, so for now I'm just in agony and anxiety all the time, oh well

I do appreciate being seen nonetheless

 

[emptinessdancing]

I appreciate your words, sorry if my words are weird or anything

When I talk about "mama" it's more of an idea, never about my actual mom cause I know she's not motherly like that lol

I don't have the strength or the means to ctb and it'd especially be selfish considering my circumstances, so for now I'm just in agony and anxiety all the time, oh well

I do appreciate being seen nonetheless

I totally get the context of "mama".... I say it all the time. i do see you, and your words are your words-- and they matter, so they could never really be weird. Whoever needs to hear them, will. I will never be of the belief that ctb is selfish no matter the circumstances. I think its just one of those things that will 100% always be viewed as such from eyes that have never been in the position you are in. And good for them, you know? Hang in there. But stop saying "oh well". You can work with that.... best to you.

 

[casual_existence]

I think this is something that life beats into people. Nobody can save you. Helps to have people anyway. I sometimes wish somebody else would kill me but no one other than a psycho would kill me for no reason. I either have to create an enemy or go through with it myself.

 

[toxicjester]

I think this is something that life beats into people. Nobody can save you. Helps to have people anyway. I sometimes wish somebody else would kill me but no one other than a psycho would kill me for no reason. I either have to create an enemy or go through with it myself.

I know there's no one to save me but I just keep being selfish and wanting it and wanting things to be okay and like I didn't waste 23 fucking years being alive when I've been passively suicidal since p much elementary school :(

I'm too much of a pussy to do anything and anyways I don't have the means to except maybe in stupid ways like overdose

 

[Anonymousa]

I have this too. I just want to cared for and looked after so I feel valued. I feel helpless and don't think I can get better on my own but I don't have much people that can properly emotionally support me. If I try to get help, most of the time I just burden others and they don't know what to do which makes me feel guilty and worthless. I age regress too and I desperately want a mama that can take care of me most of the time so I can feel like a child again and experience that parental love again.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

I sometimes wish I could go back to being a kid. When something went wrong, I went to mom. Mom made everything better.

Only problem with that wish of mine, I would have to relive the last 50 years and I sure as hell don't want to do that.

 

[toxicjester]

I have this too. I just want to cared for and looked after so I feel valued. I feel helpless and don't think I can get better on my own but I don't have much people that can properly emotionally support me. If I try to get help, most of the time I just burden others and they don't know what to do which makes me feel guilty and worthless. I age regress too and I desperately want a mama that can take care of me most of the time so I can feel like a child again and experience that parental love again.

I think I also worry that by having this need, I'm directly causing my gf to have this feeling also

A lot of your words sounds like stuff that my gf has told me before that she feels and it just makes me feel like no matter how much good I want to do it isn't ever enough and I don't want this stupid learned helplessness but I don't know how to get better and I can't ask anyone for help

I'm sorry this is something that you're going through as well, I hope someone can give you what you need soon

I sometimes wish I could go back to being a kid. When something went wrong, I went to mom. Mom made everything better.

Only problem with that wish of mine, I would have to relive the last 50 years and I sure as hell don't want to do that.

I regret so much not being more like a kid when I was younger. I couldn't enjoy kid stuff because of how weird I was and mom wasn't the best when I was little so I couldn't go to her for a lot of stuff.

I wish I was a kid again, but I wish I also had a mama that was motherly back then with me

 

[iamrealandyouarenot]

This is all stupid bullshit rambling from a dumbass but I want to let it out somehow, I'll try to not have this be a recurring thing on places like this so I don't be annoying :(

I dunno, I'm tired and I feel like I try my best but that it's never enough for anyone

My gf keeps saying that she wishes her attempt didn't fail and that she can't stay out of guilt

I feel like I'm living for her but I'm not good enough for her to live for me, it's stupid and selfish but that's what it feels like

I just want to get taken care of but anytime I indulge even a little bad stuff happens

I can't even go downstairs to get food for just myself because bad stuff happens and I'm too scared to do that

Doing anything for just myself is scary and bad but then my gf gets upset because I need to take care of myself first before I can help her :(

I just want to have my mama and I'm feeling age regression stuff I guess and it's fucking g stupid but I just feel like a little seal stuck in a storm calling for mama but she can't help me :(

And I saw art of a seal passing and being an Angel and then its friends being confused and it made me bawl my eyes out

I just want mama

I understand this sentiment completely. And it's embarrassing to say out loud. I feel like I didn't have enough time as a child because my parents were drug addicts and I didn't feel that love and safety and it feels unfair that I didn't get it and then was thrust into adulthood and academia and everyone just expects me to be successful and strong. And I AM doing it, and I feel like I'm only doing it for the praise. I don't care about any of this shit I'm doing. I'm gonna get a degree, then a masters, then a doctorate and for what? Just to CTB when there's nothing else to gain. There's a limit.

I almost yearn for this completely made up 1950s reality where I can have a man make all of my decisions and I can cook and clean and somehow he makes all the most perfect decisions and takes care of me, but that's not real and never was.

 

[mortalityisbadass]

This is all stupid bullshit rambling from a dumbass but I want to let it out somehow, I'll try to not have this be a recurring thing on places like this so I don't be annoying :(

I dunno, I'm tired and I feel like I try my best but that it's never enough for anyone

My gf keeps saying that she wishes her attempt didn't fail and that she can't stay out of guilt

I feel like I'm living for her but I'm not good enough for her to live for me, it's stupid and selfish but that's what it feels like

I just want to get taken care of but anytime I indulge even a little bad stuff happens

I can't even go downstairs to get food for just myself because bad stuff happens and I'm too scared to do that

Doing anything for just myself is scary and bad but then my gf gets upset because I need to take care of myself first before I can help her :(

I just want to have my mama and I'm feeling age regression stuff I guess and it's fucking g stupid but I just feel like a little seal stuck in a storm calling for mama but she can't help me :(

And I saw art of a seal passing and being an Angel and then its friends being confused and it made me bawl my eyes out

I just want mama

I've felt the same way. There have been countless nights where I cried myself to sleep because I wanted someone to hold me. The feeling often reminds me of Class of 2013 by Mitski, highly recommend if you want a good cry.