Venting I just want to feel needed

[imsotired005]

I hate that I'm still struggling with this.

I currently have a plan for life, but theres still this overwhelming battle fighting the urge to CTB and it keeps getting triggered by my inability to face anything similar to loss or abandonment.

I think the boyfriend Ive mentioned in the past is leaving tomorrow. For the first time ever he's gone essentially completely silent. We live together. Im used to him getting upset and ignoring me but not to this extent. Its taking everything not to repeat what ive done in the past which is begging him not to leave. Im too scared to even confirm thats what hes doing. But it feels like it.

Im making unsmart decisions and about to try to just drink, getting high just doesnt feel enough.

I hate that Im so self aware of my own situation without being able to get rid of the feelings in my chest. I just feel like my end is near even if Im not planning anymore. I just really feel like I want close connection but I dont want to start over. I love him.

To those who recommended the womens shelter, this apartment unfortunately is in my name not his. Does that mean I could kick him out? Yes. But the episode that ensues from that ends up putting the situation to a stop especially because as embarrassing as it is i dont want him to go...I feel like this is all my fault and Im the reason Im in pain.

 

[timf]

You might call the police department and ask what can be done. They must be familiar with what amounts to a room mate dispute. You would think that the person whose name is on the lease would be able to stop others from living there.

 

[Sutter]

Haunt.

Walked for a few years in this life. Will offer you what I would my daughters.

Let him walk out. Not the answer you wanted but it stands. Apartment in your name, let him leave, get locks changed.

You Miss love a man in a way he may not be able to. If you love him, let him make his choice. I understand wanting to be needed, wanting to be loved. Don't let it die with him, spend sometime learning how to love you, in the way you love others. You are needed and wanted. There are many more out there looking for what you have to give.

See a few things, experience new things, be as sure about life as ctb. Spend sometime with someone else that cares about you. If there is no one maybe a pet.

There is a reality that you may find only yourself walking this path but if you want to try, could also find the love of your life. Nothing is guaranteed but a passing that's coming regardless. Knowing that do you still feel like walking. That answer may change many times, it's fine it's your answer.

There are some pairings in the world that share one soul. May not find them in a dating site, or in a club. Follow your own interests and keep an eye out for friends while looking. He might be walking down the street, hanging by a tree, watching the heavens after sundown. Go for a walk listen to the world, use it to calm your own thoughts and begin.