I just want to be done. I've lost everything

[littleearthquakes]

I can't do this anymore. I've been fighting my body my entire life and all I do is get sicker and sicker. I had a little bit of hope and it all got taken away from me and that's always what happens.

I just want to walk again I want to eat normal food I want to be able to type on my computer. I want even a sliver of a normal life I want to be able to get out of my bed out of my room. I want my partner to care about me and not constantly pick fights and be distracted and hate me for what I'm going through.

I want to feel safe in the world I want to feel safe in my body and in whatever this relationship is. I want to feel like people understand me I don't want to feel alone all the time. I don't want to feel like a monster and a freak and something that scares people. I'm so limited and no one wants that or wants me.

Either they don't believe me or they're frightened of me or bored by me or disappointed by me or overwhelmed by me. I get pushed away over and over and I lose everybody and everything.

There's one medication left that probably won't even help and I know it's not going to fix the permanent damage.

What am I even fighting for I don't want this. I wish I knew an accessible and sure way that I could end this. I have no autotomy I'm completely disabled.

Nobody cares what I'm going through and if I told them any of this they would just make things worse. I have no one and I have nothing and I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what to do.

 

[Zeir Anpin 729]

I just want to walk again

I feel that. Both of my legs are broken and I am bedridden, alone in an apartment that I can no longer afford. The worst thing is all the job opportunities I have lost. They refuse to hire me once they figure out I am disabled. Every day it feels more and more like RFK JRs hitler concentration camps would actually be more merciful.

 

[littleearthquakes]

I feel that. Both of my legs are broken and I am bedridden, alone in an apartment that I can no longer afford. The worst thing is all the job opportunities I have lost. They refuse to hire me once they figure out I am disabled. Every day it feels more and more like RFK JRs hitler concentration camps would actually be more merciful.

I'm Jewish so I'd rather not go out that way with more suffering and horrors but I wish the US had MAID or death with dignity for chronically ill people.

 

[Galam]

I feel that. Both of my legs are broken and I am bedridden, alone in an apartment that I can no longer afford. The worst thing is all the job opportunities I have lost. They refuse to hire me once they figure out I am disabled. Every day it feels more and more like RFK JRs hitler concentration camps would actually be more merciful.

I sometimes thought so too, but not whenI think about that women they were raped by the staff and other prisoners and all in a animalistic way. The concentration camps are more like the modern asylums. I was abused in asylum and after this just let alone since then, I have not even much to eat because the welfare I had cut me off. It was not disability but something similar where people like me are euphemised as a customer. In germany the whole system is still nationalsocialist.

 

[littleearthquakes]

It is inhumane for anyone to expect me to live under these conditions and everything has gotten worse and I just lost yet another potential friend because I'm depressing and needy and insufferable. My partner/ex lashed out during a meltdown of mine again. I have every right to be struggling and miserable but people don't care. I want this to be over. I just wanted a friend or anyone to care if I have to stay here. I ruin everything. My life is nothing.

 

[littleearthquakes]

It's not worth a new thread for this. This is just getting fucking ridiculous. Every single time I start to get close to somebody either they ghost me or block me or push me away or act weird the second that I talk more about my disabilities or my trauma.

And I tell them upfront that I have that stuff but if I go into detail people suddenly freak out and can't handle it even if they're disabled too. Or maybe that's not what I did wrong this time and it was because I gave this person a little bit of gentle feedback that they weren't asking me questions as we were talking and it was making me feel self-conscious. I was nice about it but people also hate when I give any kind of feedback.

They sort of platonically love bombed me and made me feel safe. I put hours of effort writing long messages to this person for multiple days and then they lied and told me that they were having a chronic illness flareup and then blocked me the next day after I waited patiently for them to come back.

What is even the point of anything. My life is horrible I'm so disabled I'm so sick I'm so limited. I keep thinking that maybe I can still be a friend and I can still offer something to somebody. I give these things my all and I put my whole heart into it and I hold all the space for everything that they share and I ask them questions and I show up.

And I just get shoved away. People say they can handle me and like me and they won't go anywhere then they reject me. Or they make me have to reject them by behaving badly toward me. And god forbid I ever have a little bit of feedback or I need or an accommodation then suddenly I'm just an asshole.

I don't even know why I keep trying. I have no hope about my health why do I still have any kind of hope that I can have online friends that bring a little bit of happiness that are decent to me that I can be there for. I open up to people and I let my guard down and they just hurt me every single time. I just feel completely heartbroken and defeated on top of everything else I've lost.

 

[littleearthquakes]

Another update.

Rejected yet again after someone said they accepted me and asked me to trust them.

This is just becoming like such a sick pattern it's really fucking with me. I'm incredibly disabled and chronically ill. I'm autistic and I have mental health issues. I'm incredibly clear about that when I make friend posts on here and I let people know upfront that I have some specific ways of communicating and I can be a little reserved at first and I guess I expect a certain level of decency and maturity from people.

I just wanna be treated OK and I wanna be treated the way that they tell me they're gonna treat me with respect and kindness. If it's not a good fit fine and I tell people it's safe to tell me that but I still continuously end up getting ghosted, blocked, lashed out at, even after people tell me that things are going great and they really like talking to me they just disappear or they lash out at me because I'm being too much or not enough apparently.

This last person was upset because he was love bombing me and I was trying to take it slow and be appropriate. And he said I was making him scared that he was gonna lose the connection and that I was too closed off after only three days and he kept pushing me to trust him and then ultimately he completely lashed out at me and melted down and then discarded me when I tried to talk to him about it the next day.

It was all over the place and it was really messed up because he knew that I go slow with things and I am careful and I have trauma. He promised like everybody promises that he is good with feedback and he's mature and he'll accept me how I am. Not that I ask people to promise that because I think that we shouldn't be promising people stuff the second we meet them and he didn't like that I wouldn't do that and he didn't like that I wouldn't love bomb him back or immediately trust him and I was completely right not to.

He bailed on me after just a few days and one conflict that he created. I said I wanted to discuss it and he said we weren't compatible and goodbye. After making such a big deal about how great of a fit it was and how he accepted me and wanted to make it work and wanted me to trust him.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do in this world where people behave like this all the time. Just be mature and be honest and don't treat people like shit. Especially disabled people who are trapped in their bed and in agony and just wanted a little bit of connection and acceptance and I am nice to people and I give them attention and I make them playlists and I offer support.

I have a right to be how I am and I just don't want people to keep telling me that they accept me and I don't need to be perfect and then turn around and treat me horribly and throw me away. I don't know how to keep doing this and this was one of the few things that makes me happy but in the past week alone I've had two connections that were really promising, one person ghosted me and the other person lashed out and then abandoned me after making promises so and that's just this week.

I don't even know why I'm talking about it I just wanted some friends I wanted to be more than this lump in my bed I wanted to do something nice for people I wanted to have a little company and I don't understand why every single time people end up hating me for being who I say that I am. I can't be perfect and I can't be easy breezy and fun all the time and that I have some boundaries and some needs and I'm not allowed to.

I've been told my whole life that I'm too much or I'm not enough and I'm difficult and I'm needy and I'm clingy. But I'm also too distant and too reserved and I'm too sick and I'm too much trouble and I'm too critical and whatever maybe they're right but I feel like I'm just asking for a little bit of maturity and honesty and for people to be fair and apparently that's too much to ask for.

The world is falling apart and people are getting shittier and shittier and I'm just sick of this and I don't know what I'm living for anymore.

 

[littleearthquakes]

Just wanted to post somewhere that I'm leaving the site indefinitely. I appreciate those who have been kind and decent to me but I can't keep dealing with others lashing out at me. I'm sick and autistic and doing my best. It's not ok and I can't do this anymore. I came here for support.

I wish you all the best. But I'm clearly just making everyone's lives worse here too and it's doing the same for me. I can't do anything right. Goodbye.

 

[littleearthquakes]

I miss you. I know you don't come on here anymore but I do miss you and I'm sorry.

 

[littleearthquakes]

It's been a year. I wish we could at least talk again. I still miss you.