Venting i just want to be asleep all day

[monetpompo]

​

sometimes it feels like i can talk and it won't matter at all. i don't have anyone i can talk to about the way i actually feel because they'll just feel sorry for me or want me to go away and distract myself, and they think that telling me to distract myself will make me feel better even though they're just ignoring that i want them to care about the way i feel.

i'm thinking about taking sleeping medicine in the afternoon or getting hit by car since i seem to be getting progressively afraid of hanging, even though that's how i always imagined myself doing it. i went to the psych ward this year so i can't buy a gun when i turn 21. i can't join the army because i don't qualify. i'm afraid for my future because i feel so unmotivated and useless that i'd rather be at home then go outside, because i feel like a total waste for having no money in my bank account that i can't buy anything for myself.

today i watched a movie with my sister. we both don't have licenses, so we needed to get dropped off by our dad. she paid for my things because she was using her school fund. she bought our movie tickets and our drinks. a part of me immediately wanted to go home, because i didn't want to be around her and i didn't want to make small talk. she asked to watch a movie at 10 am so i went with her, but then she went to the post office instead and that made us late, so we spent 2 hours at a shopping plaza instead waiting for a 12 pm showing. i don't like hanging out with her because she's a normal person and i'm not. i lay in bed all day while she goes to university or hangs out with her boyfriend. i shouldn't have asked to hang out with her. there's no point in me wanting to go outside.

i really liked the movie we watched, but it's just tiring knowing the lack of independence we both have, but she still has the will to live that i lost because i feel like a failure to society. i just want to sleep. that's my favorite thing to do now. i don't want to go on my laptop or go on my phone. i honestly want to sell my laptop so that i can buy an uber to a bridge or something.

i don't care about going outside, finishing my bachelor's degree, getting a boyfriend, or even feeling the fresh air on my face. i'm tired of everything and i know that no one wants me or likes my depressed attitude. i don't care if i'm lazy. i am lazy, you can call me that. i don't get any joy out of being lazy because my existence is too pointless to get any joy out of it. my sister doesn't understand because she's always lived life like how she's supposed to, while i fuck everything up and disappoint everyone in my life. i am a bummer. it's on my face. don't talk to me unless you want to talk to a bummer who will make you wish that you didn't start a conversation with me. don't ask me about my day because i will complain and say that my day was boring, because it was boring. there is no point in interacting with a person like me because i'm the person that's always left behind for someone more interesting. i am not funny, smart, or someone that will make your day better. i hope that people turn away when they see the sad expression on my face.

 

[Kurwenal]

I fully understand a wish for endless sleep. I guess that's why death feels like the only option for so many of us. When I'm asleep, I don't feel the physical pain or the mental anguish. I do have nightmares most days, but even those are at least fleeting compared to how it feels being awake. I try to sleep as much as I can, but it's a struggle to achieve that.

I'm sorry your outing with your sister caused much more harm than good. It's exhausting being around people who seem to feel you're just "bringing them down". On the one hand, we're told we should reach out, not isolate ourselves, connect with others. But realistically, the average 'normal' person doesn't want someone negative around them. So they tell us to reach out and connect, but then we're just bringing them down when we're around them. We just can't win.

 

[Pluto]

 

[monetpompo]

I fully understand a wish for endless sleep. I guess that's why death feels like the only option for so many of us. When I'm asleep, I don't feel the physical pain or the mental anguish. I do have nightmares most days, but even those are at least fleeting compared to how it feels being awake. I try to sleep as much as I can, but it's a struggle to achieve that.

thanks for understanding so well. i feel really lonely tonight and have no one to text, so i mostly made a new post so someone would see it and leave a comment for me. it's tiring to have no will to do anything. i just feel bad about myself a lot and think about how some people would probably see me as subhuman and say i belong on the streets because i'm leeching off my parents. it's hard to tell if those people exist or if they're just in my head. i hate being such a lazy person because my younger self wanted me to run away from home and get 5 boyfriends or something. my dream has always been to leave my town, and i get depressed the longer i live here because i can't seem to make any new friends.

preach brother

 

[Hollowman]

My dream was to leave my town too. But my mental problems kept me in the same place. I can relate a lot with what you wrote and I'm probably over twice your age. Sleeping is all I want to do anymore too. I hope things somehow get better for you.

 

[Kurwenal]

I'm sorry you feel unable to do anything to change your situation. It's an experience I share. It is indeed exhausting having no will to take action, and I'll be a hypocrite here, because I wouldn't call you lazy. Meanwhile, I consider myself lazy for having the same problem. We all see ourselves differently from how others see us, for better or for worse, and we all hold ourselves to different standards from those we hold for others.

I think there will always be people on the outside, looking into our situations, who will indeed see us as leeches. I receive a government disability support payment, which was granted primarily on the basis of my mental state. Looking at me, few people would think I would be considered disabled. There is a strong feeling in society that 'mental illness' is treatable and curable. That it's just a matter of trying. Perhaps that's true for some, or even for many. I don't believe anymore that it is true for me. So I think it's reasonable to believe that outsiders can see me as someone who's given up, who doesn't want to be fixed, as a leech. I don't really disagree with them, I suppose.

The worst is when we ourselves call ourselves the leeches, though. I think once we internalize that, we're crossing a boundary that is difficult to come back from. It's easy to understand why we internalize that, though. By societal standards, we are lazy. We aren't pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps. So we take how others see us, internalize it, and it just gets worse. I don't have a solution.

I left my town twice and left my country twice. I ended up coming back every time because I never managed to escape the actual problem: me. I sincerely hope if you get to leave your hometown, you can find a new start.

I think this was mostly rambling. It served one purpose, of an outlet for me. But I hope in some way it can serve a greater purpose of giving you some form of comfort or connection or just something.