when I was at this point I felt I could do whatever I wanted cause as I was going to ctb what does it matter. it takes away all the preasure and resposibilities of the future. mind me asking how come youre feeling this way?
honestly, that's a fair perspective, one that I admire a lot actually and one that I needed to be reminded of today, so thank you.
when you've nothing to lose, the whole world is your playground. you can take risks that you never would've taken otherwise due to social anxiety, for instance. it's the perfect balance of not giving a shit and curiosity. the whole, "why not?" attitude. Kurzgesagt called it optimistic nihilism. realizing that nothing really matters can be so liberating, even though at first glance it can seem rather pessimistic. it's similar to the realization of how insignificant we are to this universe. the universe is neither for nor against us. it's perfectly neutral. it may seem scary that the universe doesn't really care about us, but then again, it can be so freeing. we have a whole playground to explore. it's basically just like a video game, and life is so much more stressful when you treat it more whimsically. when I feel that liberating freedom, I treat others kinder and I'm more empathetic, but at the same time, I've more confidence in myself.
the recurring problem with my brain is that, out of what's likely a defense mechanism, it cuts off my emotions. even when I'm not depressed, any emotions I feel are often short-lived. I'm not emotionless, not a psychopath. it's just that my brain keeps me in this safe zone, this lockdown mode where even my memories are locked away and difficult to access. I'll have periods where, as you said, I'll feel like I can do whatever I want, but my brain will default to futility again. it's very frustrating since it's not something I can seem to control. it's very difficult to cry, even when I really need to. I think it stems from a couple notable things. 1) I grew up in a household with a lot of drinking, screaming, fighting amongst my parents. I would get caught in the middle and I'd just dissociate. and 2) I was also traumatized at inpatient hospitals where any emotion I showed would be a sign that I needed to stay longer. an environment where I needed support and care and needed safe people to confide in, but they were cold, uncaring, and scary. so once again, I dissociated and played pretend. all of these things have fractured my sense of self and I don't really feel alive anymore. not how I used to. and it makes me sad to see how much I've lost. and even within therapy, I feel so much guilt and confusion when I bring up these things. I can never get the words right, I can never explain it right, and my head just goes in circles. so that's a nutshell of where I'm at right now.
sorry for the wall of text lol..
