I just turned 20. I feel lost.

[imcurious]

Today is my 20th birthday. Days like these are tough—I never looked so much forward to getting older. Entering a new decade, however, makes it feel just that extra bit painful. I look back and I wonder what version of me would have existed had I made different choices.

I recognize my privilege. I never had to worry about financial resources—my parents, despite my tension with them—still provide me with the necessities I need to survive. Each birthday is a table filled with expensive gifts and a cake. I appreciate their efforts and will forever be grateful to them for giving me what they couldn't have as children. But I'm not genuinely happy. I guess this is my cliché way of saying, I wish I had more.

No one other than my immediate family wished me a happy birthday. No birthday posts, or friends reminiscing on our memories together. A phone with no notifications. This day is just as ordinary as any other.

I guess this is my stupid way of saying I wish I had the genuine things in life. I wish I had close friendships and relationships and all the things money can't buy. I wish I had someone to talk to in the darkness of the night about how scary 20 feels. It doesn't feel real. And it makes me wonder if this is what life is going to be like onwards. Soulless and a grind for just money. It makes me sad.

I'm not sure what this post is. I guess the grass is greener on the other side.

 

[woe-boy]

OP, I wish I was 20 again. That was five years ago.

This is not the time for you to feel great sadness. I did not know how deep the broken spirit went until I was 24. Enjoy this time with your immediate family, and see how deep their love goes. I learned through my knowledge as an only child, that a parents' love for me was extremely limited. There is a true point where parents don't understand you, to where they'll throw their hands in the air and not want to help you.

If they get to that point, perhaps with ease; if you are financially sound and can live on your own, do it at your earliest convenience. I sadly am too dependent on my surface level parents, who use the pandemic as a weapon, and dad getting cancer only adds a spin to the nightmare that is my 20s.

I send my greatest wishes to you on the start of your second decade. Find who you are, unwrap is slowly. It is a gift, a very fragile one. Extremely fragile.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I'm sorry if I'm too late, but happy birthday.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. As someone who's scheduled to turn 40 this year, I'd like to share what my 20s were for me. I first made a plan to kill myself when I was 19. The world was cruel. My relationships were crumbling. The things that brought me joy weren't cutting it anymore.

But I made it through, and my 20s became a net-positive decade. I came out to my family, had my first serious relationship, finished three university degrees, landed my first full time job, and started to craft a life that I could enjoy.

That's not to say it was all positive. I lost my best friend to a terminal illness, and has several bouts of depression and suicidal ideation. But, on the whole, the promise of a life worth living kept me going.

I don't say this to compare lives or to suggest that my experiences are universal. I share because I'm someone who at 19, didn't want to turn 20. I wanted to end it all. Despite that, I still had many positive years and experiences. Sure, things would go terribly down hill after 35, but it doesn't take away what I felt in my 20s.

I hope you find a positive path. I hope you find joy. And for the moments that are really tough, I hope you find solace and support here on this site.

Sending you virtual birthday hugs.

 

[Judy Garland]

Happy Birthday, today is my birthday too. I've turned 38. How depressing.

 

[deleted]

I'll be 20 in a few months, I'm the opposite of you but I identified with the part of not getting notifications and not having genuinely happy memories to remember, I think there's still hope for you we're very new compared to other people, have a good family and money to have a comfortable life can put off your ctb for a while, i think the scariest part of being young is thinking "fuck will i die at this age if i only experienced pain and sadness?" "Where's my happy ending?" Anyway I don't want to lessen your pain but if I had a structured family and money I would give it a chance after all you can ctb whenever you want

 

[houseofleaves]

I wish you happiness from all my heart, truly, seriously.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really is so depressing and I'm sorry that you suffer. I know that it is hard to carry on when things seem hopeless. I do not like birthdays personally, I am horrified at the thought of getting older. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[YourNeighbor]

If you choose a life of service to others, and you can do that with whatever skills you choose to develop and in countless ways, you will find far more purpose. A soulless grind just for money is unlikely to lead to any deeper fulfillment or sense of meaning, and you already figured this out. You are far ahead of the curve.

 

[fathead30]

Today is my 20th birthday. Days like these are tough—I never looked so much forward to getting older. Entering a new decade, however, makes it feel just that extra bit painful. I look back and I wonder what version of me would have existed had I made different choices.

I recognize my privilege. I never had to worry about financial resources—my parents, despite my tension with them—still provide me with the necessities I need to survive. Each birthday is a table filled with expensive gifts and a cake. I appreciate their efforts and will forever be grateful to them for giving me what they couldn't have as children. But I'm not genuinely happy. I guess this is my cliché way of saying, I wish I had more.

No one other than my immediate family wished me a happy birthday. No birthday posts, or friends reminiscing on our memories together. A phone with no notifications. This day is just as ordinary as any other.

I guess this is my stupid way of saying I wish I had the genuine things in life. I wish I had close friendships and relationships and all the things money can't buy. I wish I had someone to talk to in the darkness of the night about how scary 20 feels. It doesn't feel real. And it makes me wonder if this is what life is going to be like onwards. Soulless and a grind for just money. It makes me sad.

I'm not sure what this post is. I guess the grass is greener on the other side.

Do not do it! You have not even begun life yet. You will thank me