I feel bad for thinking this

[twistedtransistor47]

I look at all the older adults I've met in my life and I can't help but think if that's what adulthood has in store for me, I really do have to kill myself.

I feel really bad for thinking this but one of my worst fears is that I'll end up like my relatives and that I'll wish that I had saved myself the pain and killed myself when I was young. My parents had nice normal lives, did everything right and they ended up divorced, my dad living in a shack alone in the middle of nowhere, my mom's life consisting of nothing but work 24/7 + stuck with a failure of a daughter. Every older adult I meet, I think I'd be miserable if I were them and I just wonder how and why they're staying alive.

I think the problem is that I just don't understand the appeal of life. I don't understand why everyone doesn't want to kill themselves. How could you not want to kill yourself? And if I don't kill myself now, I'll spend 50 more years in misery, stressing about money and bills and people and I'll realize that none of it was worth it and I should have just saved myself the trouble and ended it when I was 20 because life is fear and pain and the only way to never feel fear or pain is to die. I've felt so much fear about everything my whole life and I'm so tired of it. I don't want to worry about anything anymore, but that's just not possible if I'm alive.

 

[Aplev]

I wanted to kill myself. I tried. It was really hard, deep in such sadness, to gather the energy to do it. But I still did it. I made my best, I really did. Those who say I was just trying to get their attention or that I didn't try too hard/gave up too easily have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. I know I gave it my all, I made sure to be left alone for enough time, I made sure that I would die, but it still didn't work. People interferred, and now it's been decades, and I find myself every single day wishing I would have just died that day. Those days actually, because there was more than one attempt.

At this point, however, I'm just too miserable, and have nearly no energy left. I cannot gather the energy to give it another shot. Not to mention, if I fail again, this time I won't be getting out of the asylum anytime soon. And I've been there, it's fucking horrible, no way in hell I'm going back there. This life is hell, but it's still a thousand and more better than that place. So I'm trapped. All because I couldn't do it.

All the things I didn't want to live, I finally lived. There was nothing I could do to prevent it. I could only cry in despair, and see it happen before my eyes. Even now, it's still the same way.

My only hope is that my mistreatment of myself will, eventually, ensure I don't get past too many years.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand as I'd personally always prefer to not exist than be burdened with this existence, I'd just never wish for the suffering of existing and I find it the most terrible tragedy how this existence was even imposed that there was never a need for, I find it so deeply undesirable to exist in every way. I see existence as a burden that just causes so much pain and suffering with no limit as to how much one can suffer that was completely unnecessary, I only hope to cease existing with all finally gone and forgotten about for me.

 

[bankai]

Life is mostly misery with only a little bit of happiness. Mathematically, I would say that you need at least 51% happiness to make 49% of suffering worth it. However, the truth is we probably suffer 90% of the time or more.I'm swatting mosquitoes right now. I'm sick of this shit.