Archness
Defective Personel
- Jan 20, 2023
- 577
In the past, when I was in school, I'd go outside to a secluded spot and cut my ankles /w scissors. Not alot, not deep, but about a dozen incisions over a few months (or weeks, bad mem).
Then I stopped. Months, then years passed. I've forgotten why I did that. There wasn't any discernible reason I felt to take that action, and it didn't feel good enough for sh.
However, today I remembered : It was to confirm to myself, that this pain, this emptiness, was real.
Sometimes I could forget about it, sometimes I could distract and blind myself well enough to not see it. I could, if temporarly, escape it.
Back then, I was having these feelings for the first time. Even at it's weakest, when eascaping it was soo easy, I'd cut myself; I just did it, not fully understanding my own reasoning, but now I know it's so I knew those sensations where real, so I knew they where they and not a mere illusion of a sort.
Now I'd get thoughts abt doing it again, these recent days. That reason is why I'm considering it now. Now, perhaps it being the reason for why I did i then, is just my current interpretation of why I did that. Regardless, it's all for the realization of this gentle ache in my soul.
A... kind of self realization. Myself, these sensations, feel less and less real, my only reprise being distractions.
I used to think writting would help, but I give up too easly now, thinking it's no good. I also don't rly see the point. Maybe if I could actually write anything of value, but it's no good.
Then I stopped. Months, then years passed. I've forgotten why I did that. There wasn't any discernible reason I felt to take that action, and it didn't feel good enough for sh.
However, today I remembered : It was to confirm to myself, that this pain, this emptiness, was real.
Sometimes I could forget about it, sometimes I could distract and blind myself well enough to not see it. I could, if temporarly, escape it.
Back then, I was having these feelings for the first time. Even at it's weakest, when eascaping it was soo easy, I'd cut myself; I just did it, not fully understanding my own reasoning, but now I know it's so I knew those sensations where real, so I knew they where they and not a mere illusion of a sort.
Now I'd get thoughts abt doing it again, these recent days. That reason is why I'm considering it now. Now, perhaps it being the reason for why I did i then, is just my current interpretation of why I did that. Regardless, it's all for the realization of this gentle ache in my soul.
A... kind of self realization. Myself, these sensations, feel less and less real, my only reprise being distractions.
I used to think writting would help, but I give up too easly now, thinking it's no good. I also don't rly see the point. Maybe if I could actually write anything of value, but it's no good.
