Venting i just really hate my life

[batmanreal]

i'm so tired of repeating the same miserable routine every single day. things just get worse and worse at my job, i feel physically sick all of the time, there's nothing to do, no one really cares about me, i'm so fucking lonely it's genuinely suffocating. i feel just as lonely even when i have people to talk to, so it doesn't even matter. i have no one to vent to. occasionally, i'll accidentally drop my really depressing thoughts into random conversations without thinking. the thoughts just build up and overflow in my mind, i have no way of really getting them out, so they just end up spilling out before i even realize what i'm talking about. i've even hinted (and even directly stated) that i'm going to kill myself soon, but it seems everyone thinks i'm joking, so it's whatever. whenever it happens, the person i'm talking to will just frown and go "awww". sometimes, they'll reluctantly ask me if i wanna talk about it, but i'll never take them up on it. i hate myself for putting people in these awkward situations, but i just start speaking before i even realize what i'm saying. suicide is all i think about. even while i'm working, i'm passively thinking about how miserable i am. so as soon as someone finally speaks to me, the thoughts just carry over into whatever i'm saying. i wish i could think about something else. it's not even a matter of not being able to distract myself/my distractions no longer working. even if i am engaged in a completely unrelated task or conversation, i am still just thinking about killing myself.

this is such a horrible, pathetic existence. there's not a single enjoyable moment in my day. nothing to look forward to, nothing to be happy about. all i can do is think about how horrible i feel, nothing else. more than anything, it's just so boring.

 

[Hollowman]

I hate mine too.